Ephemeral Affairs [MXM]

Sympathy

The sun has already begin rising, but I still can't move my body or sleep.

Nillin wakes up with his arms still tightly around my waist and his head on my laps.

He looks up at me and his glaze immediately strikes fear into me. He also looks like he want to apologize, but doesn't.

"I'll come back again later in the evening," Nillin says and then leaves.

It is only now that I'm able to cry again and feel the slightest bit of sleepiness.

Caria and Carcyne rush into the room. Carcyne looks completely normal.

Was she in it too, to trick me?

However, my eyelids shut close and reality fades into black.

I wake up to Asahi crying and it seems no one knows what he wants.

"Bring him here," I say through my hoarse throat.

Carcyne brings Asahi to me and I feed him, "It's okay. It's okay, honey. Mommy's here."

Caria looks to Carcyne with all sort of gestures, "The Prince was hungry."

I look up to see that the medicine women, maids, and female warriors are nowhere in sight. They must've been here as part of the act.

"My Queen, please have sympathy for His Majesty," Caria lowers her head and kneels before me.

How can I have sympathy for someone who raped me and thinks of me as an item he bought twice?

Nevertheless, I give her a simple smile because I choose to believe she doesn't know any better and was simply following orders.

All of this is giving me a melancholic nostalgia.

It is like time is slowing down especially with the gently breezes from the open windows. However, my inner turmoil is a never ending blizzard.

"I am asking too," Carcyne also kneels on the floor. "Since King Nillin is madly in love with you, Queen Maeve."

Again, I give a simple smile.

They continue to kneel there even after Asahi has fallen asleep.

"Please. It's uncomfortable for me if you two don't stop kneeling," I place Asahi on the bed.

"Convey to us with words, My Queen. Please have sympathy for His Majesty!"

I place my wrists before them, "You wiped and dressed me, you two must've seen that I am abused and violated by the person I'm married to."

They stay silent before me and yet their request is unwavering.

"Don't beat yourself over it, but I can only sympathize with someone I don't understand once, I can't do it again knowing the sufferings in stored for me."

"I asked him for a divorce again," I turn away from them and allow some tears to flow out. "I can't be with him anymore if he continues all of this. However, I can't even return home like how I told him I will because I am now his person by the gods that govern our wedding vows."

I wipe my own tears, "So please, don't ask me to have sympathy for him. I'm just going to hold out the last of my patience."

"And then?" I hear Caria asks.

"I don't know. Maybe run away? Maybe kill myself?" I turn to face them, "When that time comes, and if I decided to kill myself instead, promise me you both will take my son back to my parents."

They look away, and Carcyne replies, "Prince Asahi is the heir to Aarth. To take him away is to deprive Aarthians of their hope for a future."

"Before he is an heir, he is my son," I search for their attention, but it's hopeless.

Without another word, I lie back down beside Asahi.

"Would you like a small lunch, My Queen?" Caria asks.

"No. I'm not hungry," I answer her. "Please leave me alone with my child."

"We can't do that."

I chuckle and asks, "Is it his order? Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. I just want to be alone."

They leave because I hear their footsteps going out of the room, but I can still feel eyes all around me. Perhaps the eyes belong to the female warriors or perhaps even assassins.

What is happening to my life? The more I allow myself to wake up for another day, the harder and more problems I seem be burdened by.

I trace Asahi's profile, "Was your father once as adorable as you?"

"You probably won't call me mommy or mother when you get older, huh? You'll probably be too embarrassed calling a man your mother," I can feel my heart dropping again.

"I hate myself for being so weak lately," I let out a laughter. "I don't even know why I'm crying so much. It's not manly."

"Asahi. Please grow up to be a gentleman and remember to treasure your spouse, whether or not your marriage will be arranged, okay?"

"Also treasure your people. They're very tired, so don't lead them into any more wars if necessary," I can hear my voice getting more hoarse and quiet.

"If I'm not around anymore, I want you to know that I love so very much; and I'm sorry that I probably won't get to see you grow big, get married, and have children, because I'm so weak."

I wrap his tiny fingers around my finger, "I'm sorry that you're born in such a broken family. I'm sorry that I'm your mother since I shouldn't even be able to give birth."

I confess some more for Asahi before dozing off again.

Before I know it, the sky is red and the windows are still open. I reach for the sleepy Asahi's beside me. His breathing is short and his skin is bright red.

The moment I touch him, he burst out crying.

Oh no. What have I done? He's burning.

"Anyone out there?" I call. "Please, somebody fetch me all the medications there are!"

The doors slam open with Nillin and a group of people in panic.

"What's wrong?" Nillin moves toward me.

"I don't know," I cry. "I wake up to check on him and he was already burning. I'm sorry."

He sits on the bed and pulls us into his arms, "Go on! Save the Crown Prince!"

The medicine women rush to do things in disarray. I don't want to be separated from Asahi, but they know more about medicine than I do.

They take him away and my whole body is shaken as I continue to cry on Nillin's shoulders.

"I'm sorry. I'm a terrible mother! I don't deserve to give birth to Asahi," it hurts more than anything I have been affected by.

"He'll be alright," Nillin pats my head. "You're a great mother. He's our son, he'll be alright."

"How can you know?"

I can only pray silently in my heart that a deity will spare my child even if I'll have to endure all the pain in the world.

"Because I'm his father," Nillin answers with a smile. "You should have faith in our son too."

"Did you poison my son?" I push him away.

He shakes his head, "What kind of father in their right mind would poison his own child?"

I give him a stern glare because I know he can.

Nillin takes me back into his arms, "Please. I don't want anymore misunderstandings between us."

"There aren't any misunderstandings between us," I declare. "It's has always been you tricking and manipulating me."