Ephemeral Affairs [MXM]

Understanding Empathy

I am woken by the sounds of pots and pans downstairs, so I carry Asahi and myself to the origin of the noises.

We stop by the washroom to grab Asahi some baby blankets, before seeing Grandmama making herself tea.

"How's my little prince?" She holds the hot cup to her lips.

"He's still very warm," I go to sit beside her. "I'll take him to the General Hospital if he doesn't get better in the afternoon."

"If it's still around, take me to the shop you sold your hair," Grandmama pours me a cup of hot tea.

I feel the emerald ring on my finger and shake my head, "It's okay, Grandmama. I'll take care of it."

"Are you planning to sell your marriage ring?" She says in an angry tone, "That ring was once mine, and before it's mine, it belonged to mother and so forth. The ring itself symbolizes the Aarthian Queen; and you're going to sell it?"

"Even now, I can feel the heat radiating off of my precious baby," the knot in my throat from last night returns bigger and tighter. "I will do anything to make him better."

Then without my consent, bitter tears flows out of my dried eyes.

"If I sell it, maybe it'll find it way back to the 'true' Aarthian Queen," I manage a last argument.

I chug down the now warm tea hoping it'll eliminate the knot in my throat.

Grandmama stares at me with her experienced eyes of wisdom, sighs, and her mood changes into a melancholy one.

"So who can change your mind? Surely I am just an old pitiful woman standing at death's door; my wisdom means nothing to the younger generation."

"Grandmama, don't say that," I suck in my lips. "Don't talk about death so easily... I don't want I lose anyone anymore."

"And you think I still have a lot of loved ones left? I only have Asahi, Nien, Nillin, and YOU! What will happen to Asahi and I if you overworked yourself?"

I place the empty cup down beside me and focus on the deep bonds at hand.

"Have you thought about that? You didn't even eat dinner last night, and nowadays, you're eating less and less let alone dare to sleep in on one of these days."

How can I explain to her that if I don't work as hard as I do, there won't be any food on the table or clothes on their backs?

I rather see them eat well and wear new clothes while I'm drenched in sweat and blood and tears.

"Grandmama," I try to formulate my thoughts in words, "I don't mind all the sufferings as long as you and Asahi live comfortably."

"How can I live comfortably when I see you slowly killing yourself?" Tears also escape her aging eyes and down the skin of years living under the blazing sun.

"Allow me to be a little selfish—"

"What kind of a mother are you!" She slaps my face for the second time since our encounter, "Do you not want to see Asahi grow up? Do you want me to bury you when you should be the one preparing my funeral?"

Grandmama's loud anger wakes the sick child in my arms causing an uproar so early in the morning.

"I'm sorry," I look at her with no resolve inside me. "Why don't we resume this talk some other time?"

I take Asahi and return upstairs where Grandmama's bed is.

I recall what Grandmama said to me, and my only answer: You don't get everything you want in life.

Of course I want to see Asahi grow up. Of course I'm not so delusional to know Grandmama will die before me. But I would give all that up to see them happy before I'm gone. They are the last of the people I love and care about, I would do anything for them.

"Sorry, Asahi. Please feel better, okay?" I rub his back as I sit on the bed feeling the heaviness of my heart.

"My Queen?" Fiona comes out of my room and closes the door behind her.

She walks to me nervously and kneels before Asahi and I.

Her head swings low on her shoulders, "I heard your conversation, and allow me to understand the situation."

"I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk about it," I offer a weak smile hoping she'll take the hint; but she kneels there motionless.

After a while, I give in, "What is it that you want to understand about the situation, Lady Fiona?"

"Just call me Fiona, My Queen," she also put on a weak and fake smile hoping I'll understand her as well.

"Alright. Fiona," I firmly nod. "Call me Maeve."

"Oh, I cannot do that My Queen. The Queen will always be MY Queen."

I don't want to argue so I gesture her to ask her questions.

"How is your financial situation?"

What a tough question!

I pinch the bridge of my nose and decide to be honest, "Ten Nuons in emergency savings and zero Nuons for daily needs."

Her brows come together to form a fake unibrow with her eyes tightly squinted.

"My Queen, then why did you throw that feast yesterday for those undeserving men?"

"Even if we have no money, we still have food and shelter while they have none." I avert my gaze elsewhere, "They are also my soldiers and people, how can I let them be hungry without a roof over their heads?"

"How can you be so selfless? Don't you know, you yourself must be full before you feed another," Fiona argues with her fists pounded against the floor.

"I know but—"

"There's a limit to human empathy for a reason! You clearly surpassed it, My Queen. A giving tree shouldn't be what you're aiming for. It's not a feat you should be proud of since your family is suffering from your acts of empathetic selflessness!"

Her words strike me frozen in thoughts and in emotions. It is as if the murky fog in my head has lift a little.

I look down at Asahi with his short hot breaths against my skin.

"I'm sorry," I cry. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"Why don't you sleep until I finish making breakfast?" Fiona asks sweetly.

I could only nod as an answer.

She helps Asahi and I lie down on the bed before exiting the second floor.