Ephemeral Affairs [MXM]

Hubris

Nillin stands idly there. He takes in a deep breath, holds it, and then blows it all out slowly.

"I would like to speak with my wife alone," he says at last.

I hold onto Asahi while Griflet and Carcyne leaves the room.

Nillin returns to sit beside me and in this room full of light, our faces are shrouded in the shadows of our figures.

"I feel guilty whenever I see or just think of you and the child," his voice is airy like a whisper in the ear.

And the only thing going through my mind is Nillin knowing how it is to be drowned in guilt.

"Then why did my Lord do it?" I offer while holding back my tears. "Why did my Lord marry me?"

"That's not it."

"I see. Is it something I can help?" I look away from him and toward the infant's big blue eyes in my arms.

Nillin shakes his head and taps the side of his head, "The problem is in here. I'm addicted to her and even if my brain tells me not to, I end up doing it."

I understand him for the first time. I know the feeling he is describing.

Just as I am helplessly in love with him, he is helplessly in love with her. I love him no matter how much I tell myself that there is no light at the end of 'this' tunnel.

"Is my Lord asking Master Lexin and I to forsake ourselves so..."

"I don't know," he answers.

Nillin moves to slouch lazily on the chair. He smacks his lips, "I still did it, with or without both of your blessings; and my ego is not planning to stop anytime soon."

I have no say in this so I simply swallow my anger and sadness.

"What about us?" I put on a weak smile still trying to be loving and waiting on him.

"I'm sorry." I can hear the knot in his throat, "If you decide that you no longer want to be with me, even if I still want you beside me, you may leave with the child whenever you please."

His words make me realize something: conscienceless manipulation. I call it this because I don't know for sure if he is doing it on purpose or not.

I have always gave him the benefit of a doubt and so for this time as well, "I will stay by my Lord's side until he doesn't want me anymore."

Nillin struggles to take in another breath; and when he does, he turns to me with his brows narrowed.

"Whether my Lord believes me or not, I do love my Lord," my stupid heart still skips a beat.

He quickly turns away and palms his face in frustration.

"No. No. You weren't supposed to fall in love with me." A blue eye peeks through his large fingers, "And I have intentionally and constantly hurt your feelings in the hope that you would leave me even when I ask you to stay."

"What?" I mumble through my dry lips, "Then what was the point of marrying me in the first place?"

I reach for the sleeve of his shirt but he draws back avoiding my selfish act for attention.

"My Lord, please explain to me," I beg him.

"Just stop. Don't call me 'that' anymore." The tone is harsh and sharp like cutting the wind with a sword.

Each time I take in a breath, my heart grows heavier and it beats slower.

Unable to control my breathing, tears also flow from my eyes making this anguish sound inside my head.

I turn to the side with Asahi still wide awake in my arms.

I hate how I love him. I hate that I can't do anything in his presence. I hate the fact that he never looks my way.

"I'm s-"

"And what is of Princess Cassiopeya?" I ask with a hoarse tone.

"I don't see how she is related to any of this," Nillin answers. "We're accomplices."

"She doesn't seem to think so," I say. "Be careful or she might tear Xielle apart too."

"Too?"

Instead of answering him, I further ask, "What will happen to my brother since you got Miss Xielle from your cousin?"

He glares at my back with an indifferent face, which I see from the reflection of a flower vase.

"Answer me first. What do you mean by 'too'?"

I don't answer him.

After all, why does it matter now? His actions and words are so confusing.

Should I expect something? Is he simply... I don't even know anymore.

"I would like to rest some more." I know he will be irked, but I really believe we need a rest from each other at the moment.

Nillin reaches for my shoulder, but retracts just before touching me.

"She only played mental games with me," my mouth ignores my brain-my internal organs have complicated relationships.

"Your brother will be executed next month on the third day, a little after noon," Nillin answers me in compensation. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," and without hesitation, I add, "A future King of Aarth, such as yourself, ought not to fear the Heavens nor the Earth."

He swallows his saliva loudly like he wanted to say something back at me, but controlled himself.

Without saying anything else, Nillin leaves both the child and I without a greeting of warmth. It's like we're not his nuclear family.

But I can only digress and focus on how to save my brother.

Let me think...

First, I need to know more about the situation.

Why did Borrus attack Sam? If I know this, maybe I can save my brother.

I can no longer depend on Nillin's morality to save his own grace. He knows that executing Trieu will lead to more wars.

Lexin was probably right to leave the Revolution when he did. Of course he did, Nillin is his best friend.

Or is it 'was' Nillin's best friend?

Most likely 'was' since the Xielle situation has come to this.

"Owh," Asahi sounds lazily.

I hold him tightly without burping him and soon he's asleep again.

Back to saving Trieu, how can I learn about situation? Who should I ask?

Oh how much I wish I can talk to Lexin right now. His basically nonexistent is so regretful.

Nillin! Lexin was a great source of tactics and overall very knowledgeable, why would you go and make him less?

Just thinking about all of this make me fucking stressful like I'm dragging a stone that will be used as a fucking structural foundation all by myself up three fucking mountain valleys.

Is that even a saying? Probably not. I just made that one up using a lot of fucks.

Wait. The person is need to talk to is Trieu because he knew what happened. He purposefully refused to let Fagolan has his way.

But first, I need a wink of sleep.