Humm? (jenlisa romcom gxg)

[27] Nov 7, 2022 - Monday 09:41 [64]

| Road to University

♪ [ ~ lovely (with Khalid) - Billie Eilish, Khalid ~ ]

I'm on my way to class and it's been a week since I've seen Jennie... Rosé and Jisoo since the party are always trying to make plans with me but I still don't feel like being around people all the time, even though I love their company, my favourite way to heal is, well... still alone.

I feel like such a bad person for it, but as much as I appreciate and love them, being alone is still my favourite escape, where I feel calmer and freer to let myself be honest with my feelings, it's just... written in my DNA.... we must have some kind of problem, right?

The joke... alone I am already in bad company... is true... but... it's what it feels right, like where I feel most at ease with my mind, 'cause it's just me... I'm just used to dealing with everything alone since I can remember, that... talking to myself for hours, making jokes to make me laugh, be in silent looking at nothing or at a mirror where I can see the redness in my eyes violently growing and leaving as my thoughts get louder and calmer... it's weird how sad things can be so beautiful... or... work out too... or dance alone intensively to strong beats or just dance to honestly anything... Pablo Vittar it is if I feel like it... dancing always with my headphones on, in an almost dark room... it's just... a few of the weird things I'm used to doing when I feel down... they are almost like rituals... and... I still... I can't... I don't want Rosé or anyone to see how fucked up in my head I can be... I will keep it to myself as much as I can... I don't want to disappoint anyone.

Sometimes I wonder if I am an introvert becoming antisocial too, 'cause everything is so exhausting sometimes...

For all my life when someone needed me, I was there for them but... when I was in a situation that people see as I needed someone to talk to or a situation I shouldn't be alone, I always have chosen to not tell anyone what I was going through, 'cause just the thought of talking and explaining it was way more exhausting then deal it on my own...

I don't know if it's because the truth is... I'm not really dealing with it, If I'm just pushing that pain deep enough to not really face it... 'cause there was... a moment in my life, when... I don't like to talk about it, but what I'm trying to say is that I kept it just for myself like I always do, and I thought I was doing fine, at least until my body started to tell me otherwise.

My mind was calm or at least it seemed okay, dealing with what was happening, but when all ended I started to have panic attacks, and ironically... as a kid I was always saying I didn't want to be here... but when you actually face the possibility of everything end, feeling your body shaking, getting worst with the time, incapable of making it stop, your heart beating so fast and loud that hurts physically, that the only thing that runs in your mind as you feel your loud heartbeat is... this can be my last one... is so fucking scary.

After a year, those panic attacks disappeared, but they still haunt me, and when I'm alone sometimes I still feel afraid and anxious about my heart starting to do that again and just... incapable of reaching anyone... be embraced by the dark and... never come back.

If my adult self seems fucked up... as a kid... that shit reaches other levels... it seems it was from a different life... because... tiredness and living just because... is way more barrable and lighter than... don't want to stay here at all... because I remember like it was today all those feelings I had as a kid... how it hurt... the hopelessness that things would never change... the anger of why I had to be the one to change them...? The fear of alone not being strong enough to face whatever would happen if I tried... I was so afraid of being completely abandoned as a kid and having to face the world alone... that is almost funny how with time being alone turned out to be one of my favourite things...