Turn It Up

You Are Not Prepared

What kind of fool was he right now. What kind of stupid ideas could he possibly think of right at this very second. His eyes welled up as fast as he pinched them closed. The image that he never wanted to see was right in front of him a mere moment or two ago. Everytime he closed his eyes, his imagination plagued him, he was the one that was supposed to be sitting there with her, not..not his best friend. Sometimes one must take matters into ones own hands..But he is broken. Right now he battled just to keep his head upright. Looking down at his phone, he saw that Lexi was texting him. The messages added up rather quickly. One turned rapidly into two..which then in turn migrated to three, and then four. All the way up until there were seven unread messages from his tiny blonde friend. At the other end of the phone, Lexi was in a utter panic. She had no idea what was going on, she was the one who actually pushed for Fergal to go after Pam and snag her before someone else did. In a weird way, she could pull the 'I told you so' card, but she was not that kind of person. Lexi felt her heart seemingly increase in weight with each passing second. Matt sat idly by and watched as his woman got more and more stressed out, usually playing matchmaker wasn't this stressful, but in this particular case it was awful. Pam was stubborn, and Fergal was terrified. Now? It seemed as if no matter what Lexi did, it would fall on deaf ears and fail miserably. "Lex, you gotta relax babe..He's a big boy, there's no need to try and hold his hand like that, it'll only probably make him feel like he really can't do anything on his own." Lexi listened to what Matt had to say and definitely considered actually taking his advice, but after two or three minutes of utter silence, she cleared her throat and spoke back, "He's not prepared to be alone..Matt..You don't understand how bad this could actually get..She's practically clueless on how he feels and I don't know if this is gonna go well or not.."

The drama didn't even feel beneath Lexi, Matt also didn't feel like this was childish, these were two of their best friends and they were apparently too damn dumb to realize what was sitting right in front of them just waiting. Lexi lowered her head as her messages continued to remain unread and not responded to. Her blonde and red hair rested on her shoulders which contained so much stress it would be a miracle if her shoulders could even drop into a more relaxed state. Her fear was devouring her other emotions until there was nothing else but the dark thoughts. It was something that even she hadn't felt before, it would be easier if Fergal and Pam would just talk more to each other, if they were both more open to each other this would be so much easier..But they don't, they choose to be quiet, to keep emotions inside of themselves..."You gotta relax..Come on. Let's go to bed." Matt was trying to be a peacekeeper here, Lexi loved these two and, for lack of a better term, it sucked so badly to see them both not able to realize that all they needed was right in front of themselves. She looked over at him and weakly nodded in acceptance. She did need to go to sleep, she did need to lay down in their giant comfortable bed, just to try and get some kind of relaxation. Hopefully the next day would be easier, hopefully the next day would be able to have solutions and have peace of mind attached to it. Lexi felt pitiful as she rose to her feet and raised her arms above her head stretching. She slowly walked over to Matt who promptly wrapped an arm around her, "C'mon my little cupid. Let's get some rest and tomorrow things will be better. Alright?" She simply nodded as the couple made their way up the steps carefully.

Back inside Fergal's apartment, it was somber. Quiet, eerily quiet to be completely honest. His courage was fading. His thoughts only made him hate the fact that his eyes continued to open more and more. The fact that he was too late in telling Pam how he felt made him resent himself so much. He wasn't the kind of person to get too verbally upset in the sense of screaming and throwing shit, he was more the type of person who would sit in quiet contempt just doing nothing but allowing his mind to entertain all of the dark thoughts that were closing in all around him. When he closed his eyes all he saw what could have been. After practically years of trusting his senses, he felt like a fool, there was just a horrible nagging sense of failure inside of his heart after he was unable to act on how he felt fast enough. At the end of the day? If Pam and Rami were happy..Who was he to be angry about it..Who was he to actually be envious of his best friend. He loves Rami, he wants his best friend to be as happy as he was about to be. It just so happens that the person who makes him happy was also the person who Fergal desired as well. Which was the unfortunate part, but Fergal was willing to take it on the chin, or take one for the team. The only person who REALLY knows how he feels is Lexi, and after finding out what he found out today, that would be the absolute ONLY person who knows how he really feels. Fergal took hours to come to grips with what he was thinking inside of his mind. He felt cold, there was nothing that would really make him happy. There was nothing that would be able to make him...feel. He welcomed any kind of thoughts other than the ones about Pam. Just the thought..it..it made his insides twist up like a wet towel, the strain his heart felt was indescribable. It was a nagging powerful feeling, he couldn't fix it. He was happy that his best friend and, well, his love interest were now a thing. It was something that he never thought he would have to say to himself and come to the dark realization of its existence. He just wanted to raise the white flag, raise it up as high as the sun rests in the sky. He was falling so fast, like so many blades of grass in the wind..He clenched his fist into a ball as the frustration of where he was falling couldn't be figured out. There was a shred of potential in this ending well, but in reality there was no actual chance of this going well. He felt like just a lesser being than he was the day before. He knew that the next day at work would be horrible for him, he would have to see what he definitely didn't want to see. But at the end of the day, you are supposed to leave emotions at the door, you are supposed to blackout any kind of negative feeling when you walk in each day. For if any kind of distraction rest in your mind, that could be an injury for yourself, or worse..someone else. He has to trust himself, his emotions and thoughts were all over the place, he needed to find a way to unite his emotions into a ball and direct it into something positive. His soul was in such strain, Fergal didn't feel like someone who was going to get a call to the main roster soon, Rami's call had just happened..He was going to be leaving permanently in a rather immediate fashion. Was that for the better? He had no idea, but right now Fergal needed to find a way to NOT call into work tomorrow and tell them he doesn't feel well..But actually, come to think of it..He SHOULD call work tomorrow and tell them he feels ill. Perhaps it would be a good idea to just remove himself from the most PAINFUL situation he's ever been involved in..Yea..This was the only thing in his life that was actually making some kind of sense. Don't go to work tomorrow Fergal, give your mind some kind of rest, give your aching heart a day to rest and figure out just what in the hell you are supposed to do..What you are supposed to even feel. His world was being torn apart..all he could potentially even do is slow the process down.

Pam's heart was being pampered by Rami. He was such a sweet guy and such a good person who just wanted what was best for her. It was growing more and more apparent with each word he spoke to her. This dinner was actually going quite well. It was a little awkward, Pam was worried as hell about Fergal, she felt as if there was nothing she could do to reach out to him. Feeling her phone vibrate, she saw was it was Lexi and the preview for the message read, 'We need to talk. Call me ASAP.' Pam knew this was serious, she offered a weak smile towards Rami, "Hey, I gotta call Lexi real quick. I'm so so sorry." Rami smiled back at her and nodded over at her, "Of course, take your time." He was far too understanding, there had to be some sort of catch when it came to him. She removed herself from the table and called Lexi, it only rang once before the phone was picked up. "PAM!" The tiny woman shouted on the other end of the phone which caught her off guard almost immediately. "Dude relax..What happened??" Pam grew scared a little and began pacing, "Where are you. Are you with Fergal?? Has he told you??" Words came out of Lexi's mouth like an avalanche and there was no real way of stopping it, "Lex, LEX! Slow down..No, I haven't talked to Ferg since earlier today when he like, ran off on me. Is he okay? Are you okay? What did he have to tell me??" Confusion rested heavily on Pam's conscious now and she began to put some puzzle pieces together..It was a slow process but it was happening as Lexi began to tell her a vague version of what is going on right underneath her nose. "Wait..so you mean he..why didn't..Oh my god..That makes so much sense now." Stress rested on Pam's eyebrows as well as her mind..She just couldn't understand why she was so blinded by her own ignorance. Now that she knew the truth, or at least partially, she waited a moment, "Dude you have to find him, I've been trying to get a hold of him all night and-" "Well I told him I was going to dinner with Rami tonight.." Lexi's jaw dropped and she now understood why Fergal hadn't been replying to her at all. It made sense now, he was receding into his shell now, he was hiding from the world for all the world seemed interested in was driving daggers into his heart as well as his back. "Pam I don't know what the right thing to do is here, but you need to try and get a hold of him or something..Tomorrow you have to, HAVE to talk to him.." Pam cleared her throat as she felt immense pressure building up inside of her, "Alright. Thanks Lex.." The phone hung up and she returned to the table..Rami furrowed his eyebrows and was a little confused on what could have been so rough to talk about that made the happiest actual person in the world feel this much pain. "Pam? What happened dear?" She looked over at him after his kind question, the whole night had a damper on it now, there was just no way that she would be able to forget what Lexi had just told her. The fact that Fergal ran off like that was just a way of him hiding from what he didn't want to think about. And from how it sounds? He was thinking about it all night now, and he was doing it all alone. "Hey Pam. There's something I gotta level with you on. That's the whole point honestly to this dinner, well I mean besides to get away from drama at work and hopefully have a good night, you know?" He seemed to struggle getting this out, for some odd reason he was unable to just be straightforward with how he felt, and Pam felt an increasing dark feeling set in to her gut..oh no, Rami was about to tell her that he also has feelings for her. This couldn't possibly get any worse for her tonight. "So..Uh this might come as a shock to you..and well, everyone else..Which is why I'm telling you first.." Pam closed her eyes and tried to be prepared for the guilt and pain she was about to feel when he laid this fact on her..There was nothing else he could say, he was going to say he had feelings for her too..Shit here it comes. "Uh..I'm..I'm gay."