Turn It Up

Clear

After the wedding ceremony concluded, Pam was set to find Fergal and talk to him at least a little bit.. She needed to know where they stood with one another and it was driving her absolutely crazy not to know this.. Pam looked everywhere, she tried to find him hiding near food, near alcohol.. Considering how Fergal had a notorious drinking habit when he was sad about something, and right now he was extremely sad. The scary thing that was Pam's life now was she wanted nothing more than to take back what she did.. That night with Aaron, if she lied to herself and said it wasn't nice to have.. She would be lying. But was the sex worth it? No it w was not, it was great sex.. But to lose Fergal over, nothing in the world was THAT important. Not friends, not her career, not anything. And now that she has made that mistake; she somehow has to rectify it in some way. But how? Well it started with finding Fergal which was already posing a problem to her. She found Alexis who was having a tiny little drink with the girls. "Hey Lex? Have you seen Fergie around anywhere?" Pam asked quietly, she had a bad feeling that all the other girls, and guys even if they knew about this little incident would all hate her for what she did, although Pam realistically did NOTHING wrong here.. Alexis shrugged her little shoulders, "I don't think I've seen him since the ceremony, I don't even know if he's still here or not." Alexis felt bad for all of this. She took a little bit of the blame due to the fact that she was such good friends with both Fergal and Pam.. Pam nodded at Alexis, "Thanks.." She turned and walked away. Have you ever had that feeling where you walk in on people who are clearly talking about you in one way or another? Well that is exactly how Pam felt right this very second. It felt like no matter what she did she would be unable to live down the deed she has done. Pam was about to give up on the search for the Irishman. She had no clue where he was at all and this was about to come to an end.. Pam looked down, and walked towards the exit. She silently left the party and nobody even batted an eyelash. It was almost like the people, aka, her former friends were all being vicariously lived through by Fergal. The way they all looked at her, judging her, ignoring her. It was completely unnecessary and extra. Pam walked towards her car and got inside of it. She was losing all sense of emotion, for the way that these people were treating her could not be a mere coincidence.

The magical day that was Ashley and Rebecca's wedding was over, sadly.. And it was back to the harsh reality that was Pam's life. She woke up the next morning in bed and did not want to go anywhere, fuck her rehab, fuck her job, fuck everything right now. This is the worst morning she has ever had and that honestly was saying something. Primarily due to the fact that just a few short months ago, Pam was hospitalized. That hurt less than what her friends were doing to her. It really was unbelievable and she couldn't figure out a way to really grasp what was going on.. She finally rolled out of bed, an hour after her alarm originally went off and looked at her phone. There were no texts, no missed calls and honestly just nothing there at all. It was the weirdest feeling in the world going from having someone there, talking to you every single day and prioritizing you over all other things in the world. Then someday waking up and realizing you fucking ruined this precious thing that you once had. Pam began to think about that a lot now, the thoughts of loneliness sunk into her head and buried themselves deep into her subconscious. Pam was being driven mad.. She looked over at herself in the mirror..

She analyzed everything about herself that she hated. She hated herself physically and mentally. Now that her body is to blame for this act, it was even more of a disgusting thing to her. Pam's mind wandered.. That feeling of someone always dying to talk to you, and dying to see you.. It was such a hard feeling to grasp that now, they no longer are in your life. They no longer desire to speak with you every day and all day at that. They are gone. You pushed them away. The only person to blame here is yourself and Pam was unable to really accept that fact. She.. She thought about things that shouldn't ever be thought about. That you should never speak out loud if you ever want people in your life to ever, EVER think you're okay. Pam could not manage this pressure in her chest, it felt like a fifty five pound weight just being constantly pushed harder and harder down onto her. It was bad enough that it felt like weight, and now she has the feeling of it being pushed harder and harder down. She put her hand on the middle of her chest, trying to work the feeling out with a self inflicted massage but it was not working out for her whatsoever. She felt like she was going to throw up. She felt like she was going to have a heart attack. This little episode would be Pam throwing in the towel with Fergal.. If somehow she can't manage to get him to realize that what she did was not only wrong, but a mistake? Then Pam can no longer do this to herself. She strongly dislikes herself, but this pressure Fergal was applying to her as well as the pressure she put on herself BECAUSE of Fergal.. It was killing her. Pam began to get ready now, her shower was filled with nothing but bad images and thoughts of what she did. She couldn't get that thought out of her head, of her in bed with Aaron.. The feeling she had inside of her that night was amazing. But then the realization hit of what she has done. And the fact that it is not only unfair to Fergal to not say anything, but it was not right either. She had to do the right thing and hope that he understands why she did it. But. That was wishful thinking and Pam was not the kind of person who got lucky like that. Fergal flipped out and walked away from his relationship.. Which to be entirely honest was a little bit of a cowards way out. He dipped out and away when the going got tough which Pam hated. She honestly wanted to sit down with him and ask him straight out, 'Hey! Why the fuck did you leave instead of trying to work it out with me? Why was it so easy for you to just, go like that. We just bought a fucking house together and now you're gonna just LEAVE?' It logically made no sense, and honestly throughout all of this Pam entirely forgot about the fact that they did buy a place, it was hard to remember happy things when the only thing your mind is trained to remember is the shitty, dark and depressing things that consumed your life. Pam got dressed and wanted to make a point. Her rehab was entirely over and now it was time to go get checked up by the WWE doctors. Pam looked hot as hell, she put on a decent amount of makeup on her own but not too much to where it would look ridiculous.. And she slid into a nice sexy little outfit that would surely get Fergal's attention when he saw her. She felt proud of her plan right about now.

Pam was a very conservative person, she didn't often like to get like this and dress 'sexy'. But she had the ability to do it and when she did? People took note of it. It also was not the kind of sexy outfit that revealed her butt, or boobs. It was just a damn fine looking outfit that she was ready to rock and show the world that she was a strong independent woman who needed absolutely nobody. No friends, no man, noBODY! She was entirely ready for this, and the fact that the WWE was going to medically clear her to return to the road made it sweeter.

Pam got into her car and drove off to the arena. She of course had been traveling with them, but it was not for her to compete just yet. And it was time to get that much deserved clearing. Pam had bad thoughts in her head, she also played out some good scenarios where Fergal realized what he was losing and took her back. But looks alone were not enough to get Fergal. If that were the case, he would go for someone like Alexis, or Mercedes. In Pam's head, those two ladies are 'prettier' than her and she was always self conscious about them and how she felt like they were better matches for her man. That was not what mattered now, that time had passed and Pam drove to the arena with confidence oozing out of her pores. She arrived at the arena and parked in the parking lot. Ironically and not a cool coincidence; this was the arena where Pam was assaulted.. PTSD like visions in her head flashed back and through her again and this was not the time to get cold feet. She opened that door and looked deadass over to where she was assaulted.. Remembering the voices of the men, remembering that feeling of near death.. Remembering who saved her. She shook her head from side to side and began walking towards the entrance of the arena. Pam opened up those doors and closed them faster than she has ever closed a fucking door before. Figuratively and literally putting that shit behind her. She had no time for those thoughts and no time to not think about anything but getting cleared, and getting Fergal back. She walked through the backstage area and ignored all the looks she got.. They ranged from admiration of her physical appearance, to judging her for what she did. Pam didn't give a fuck anymore. The admiration looks were far more frequent that the judging ones. Pam knew her place, and she knew why she did what she did. In fairness, I've said it before, she is IN the right. Getting to the medical team, Pam walked in slowly, "Helloooo?" The doctor greeted her and asked her to sit down on the little table. Pam got nervous, she remembered the last time she tried to get cleared from the incident. It was such a scary but satisfying feeling that she had inside of her tummy when they said, 'You're good to go, Miss Martinez!' Now would hopefully be no different. Pam took in a deep breath as the doctor asked her to run a series of tests. Raising her arms up and down, moving them back and forth. Even from side to side. Lifting things was the next and most telling test. Pam passed it with flying colors. The doctor was actually overjoyed with her results. And after fifteen short minutes, the results were in. He considered all the variables and began speaking. "Well considering the severity of your separation, and the fact that you powered through this recovery faster than anyone I have ever seen.. Your shoulder is actually stronger now than it was when you separated it." Pam listened and hung onto every single word he spoke.. It was time to hear it.

"Based on all of that; it is my humble pleasure to tell you that you are once again cleared and ready to return to regular in ring competition." There it was. Pam put her hands over her mouth and began to cry, she was so fucking happy to be able to go back to doing what she loves more than anything in the world. Sadly there was nobody there to enjoy it with her, but nevertheless she was happy. "Thank you so much. Thank you thank you." As the doctor walked away, and Pam was celebrating alone she felt a soft hand caress her back. "Congratulations Pam.. It's going to be good to have you back on the road.." She turned and there stood Fergal. He looked like death, pale face, sunken in eyes.. Pam rose to her feet.. She was stunned honestly to see him. "And what's with this? You look great, but never try this hard.." It was very obvious that he knew what she was trying to pull off. Pam immediately lost all of her confidence. "I..I-I.." She was so prepared to see him, but once she did? It became very clear.. She was not prepared. Fergal wrapped his arms around her body and pulled her in very close. He whispered very quietly, almost inaudibly.. "I know.."