Turn It Up

Icy Touch

The blazing fire that raged inside of Pam was being purged by the thought of Fergal, she knew that he left because of whatever was going on. Too soon..This happened too soon..Pam had to find Fergal now, there was a serious need to restrain her due to how angry she was, her cheeks were red and her eyes dilated. She had an all consuming hatred and anger right now, if Joe wasn't there to hold her back, Pam could have clawed the random ass guys' eyes out of his head. Joe had to pull her away from the crowd of people who were now beginning to turn their heads to see what was going on, this was rapidly getting out of hand. The man disappeared into the crowd as Pam still scratched and clawed as best she could to make sure this random dude who was bumping and grinding on her for quite a while now didn't get away with what he had just done. Pam had never felt so violated in her entire life. Joe pulled her away now fully from the crowd and attempted to calm her down, "You need to stop. I know you're pissed but what is flipping out going to accomplish Pamela? Nothing, the guy is gone, I know you're pissed, I'm pissed too, you know how hard it was to not smash that guy's face in? Quite hard. Go find Fergal. He left didn't he?" Pam nodded, her bloodrage was ending and normality was beginning to shower over her. Her calm heart was now wondering where Fergal went, and what on earth he was thinking about right now. It frightened Pam to no end to think that he saw that, and thought she was condoning it. It was entirely the worst thing that could happen, especially considering how Fergal was so protesting this party in the first place, 'I don't do parties' he was preaching for hours and hours today. Pam should have listened to him, he was explaining to her how every single time he goes to one, something bad always manages to happen. It usually was something she would consider, but she was so..adamant about coming to this party that she felt almost obligated to come, Fergal was forced to. This caused Pam's new emotion she felt to be guilt, heavy and thick guilt. The scent of fear and anger was all throughout the air, it felt like her soul was in eternal torment..Never ending hopelessness, every time she tried to re-normalize her life something stupid happens that just thrusts her back into the shit. She shook her head, almost snapping out of her rage, "I'll go find him." Joe released the smaller woman and nodded his head, he knew she had to be the one to go look for him, Joe couldn't be the one. Pam was the one who had to bring Fergal back down to earth. Pam felt like she was drowning in her own personal hell. She was beginning to consider the very real possibility that she was..no good for him. It seemed that every time she was trying to put him back together, she was the reason he fell apart.

As Pam bursted outside, the weather was gorgeous, and by gorgeous I mean disgusting, windy beyond belief. It was almost breathtaking how windy it really was..She looked all around the front entrance of the building and didn't see Fergal. All she was doing was replaying this entire day inside her head, visions of the foreshadowing that Fergal was trying to let her in on his fears and here she was just..ignoring them, dismissing them almost. She began to cry. That was nothing like Pam at all to just not consider someone else's feelings like that and just brush them under the rug. She was supposed to be an understanding, tolerant person. And today of all days she decided against her own very nature. She knew with each passing second Fergal was wasting away into nothingness. She felt like a coward, not having the guts to address his true fears in her own vain way of trying to make them all go away. But that did not work..

"Fergal!" Pam shouted, her hands up to her mouth in a silly attempt to make her voice louder. She kept walking around the lot as the wind blew hard and made her stumble a bit. "FERGAL!" She was beginning to feel sick, she felt like she betrayed Fergal in a way that was going to not heal inside of him. She knew this was bad, but how bad the aftershocks were, well..That has yet to be seen. Pam felt a sharp pain in her eyes, almost like they were being squeezed inside of her head as hard as possible. She looked everywhere, beginning to walk up the lot now and glancing in between each and every car. This burden was becoming unbearable on her weak shoulders. There was no shelter from her guilt, no release from her suffering..She finally saw a silhouette of what she assumed was Fergal. Pam sprinted as best as she possibly could over to the shadow and it was in her weird luck, Fergal. She dropped to her knees, not caring how badly the ground would hurt colliding into her bare knees. "Baby? Fergal, hey..it's me.." She placed a hand on his knee and it almost looked like he was a beaten child, he didn't whimper, flinch, or even move. Did he freeze to death or something? No it wasn't that cold. It was just windy as all hell. Fergal inside felt nothing. He just felt empty, a fear like that..and he got to see it with front row seats? That was something that anyone would have a hard time grasping. Even for a strong willed person, seeing someone else with your love like that would send most into a rage. But some, like Fergal, shut down all emotions, shut down all ways of feeling..And that is exactly what he did. It wasn't hard, just one little push had him over the edge like that. But then again, in all fairness, it was quite a big push. "...what." His voice was raspy, broken up almost. Pam knew that was coming, but what she didn't know..was what scared her most. She didn't know if he was going to be able to get passed this..It wasn't even her fault, she didn't invite anyone over to her like that, that guy just took it. It was nothing she did, but Fergal didn't care. He now had the image in his head of someone else with his girl, someone else touching her and doing the things that he does with her. The images flashed before his eyes every two seconds. Was Fergal being ridiculous? Not really, for someone who has such strong fears pertaining to losing her to someone else..This was a necessary and understandable reaction. Pam would have been enraged if the roles were reversed.

Fergal had a very fragile heart, when it came to Pam, not much was needed to break it. Pam knew this, hence why she was trying to smother him in her love, that was all she could do and all she could hope for was that he was going to accept it and hopefully heal.."C'mon..let's get you home. Okay? I can't have you just sitting out here all alone in the cold..We don't have to go back in, the only person who saw you leave was Joe..Let's just get you home, and we can cuddle, watch crappy movies and drink hot chocolate. How's that sound?" Pam rubbed his arm gently. There was a strong feeling of weakness in Fergal, not many people were unlucky enough to actually see it. But Pam welcomed it, she welcomed all forms of his feelings and emotions. Any problem he had, she was willing to be there and mend his wounds. Fergal didn't move, his head hurt, eyes burned, tears were quietly, and gently streaming down his cheeks. Pam couldn't see this however, she was too busy looking at the dark, depressed shadow of what Fergal used to be. She was risking a lot with how much she put herself out there..After a few moments, Pam spoke again, "You wanna do that baby? I think that would be a great way to spend New Years Eve, with you? In the warm..under a blankey? You wanna come with me?" She perked her voice up a bit.

Fergal simply nodded. He slowly rose to his feet on his own, when Pam grabbed hold of his arm made her realize how cold he was, his jacket was freezing and it was indeed a thin jacket in the first place, its purpose was simply to go from the car to inside and back to the car again. An extended period outside could lead to being sick or worse. Pam gently tugged him towards the car, "Can I have the keys babe? I'll drive. You just relax..I'm so sorry about-" Before Pam got her apology out, Fergal latched himself onto her in the tightest, saddest, and warmest hug she has ever received by anyone in her life. Fergal needed to feel her warmth, he needed to feel her heart. He just needed to feel her. Fergal squeezed Pam as tight as he could, trying to remember what it felt like to belong, and to be wanted by someone. Pam squealed, "Ferg. Baby. Ease up..you're crushin' my boobies.." Fergal would have laughed here normally, but he did not this time. Pam held onto him as well. As he let up and pulled back, Pam kept him close, "I love you. Okay? I had NOTHING to do with what happened in there, I thought it was you to be honest. If you ask Joe, who again..was the only one who saw anything go down. He will tell you the exact same thing." Fergal interjected, "I do not need confirmation. I believe you." Pam nodded, "Okay baby.." Fergal looked down, "Sorry about crushing your boobs.." He did feel genuinely bad about that, I mean shit come on now, boobs are sensitive when it comes to ridiculously hard squeezing. Bad Fergal. Pam smiled a bit, "It's okay sweetheart. Just gimme a boob massage later and we'll call it even." Fergal nodded, "D-Deal." It was time now to remove him from this dark, negative environment. "Let's get you home.." She slid her way over to the passenger door and Fergal handed her the keys, unlocking it and opening his door for him. Pam felt almost silly, culture dictates that the guy does this for the girl. But then again, she didn't give a shit who dictated what. Her man was not okay. So she would do anything and everything in her power to make sure he was okay after all. She got into the driver's side and started the car. She cranked the heat up and drove away. She felt absolutely lucky right now to have been able to get him out of this area. To get him out of here with little to no damage inflicted by himself. She was lucky to have a man who when pushed over the edge..He simply shut down. It was much better than guys who lost their temper and assaulted people, objects, themselves, or worse.

Pam did of course hate this shit, she hated looking over and seeing that drained, depressed look on his face. It broke her big heart to pieces and there was nothing that was going to mend it, other than total succeeding in making him feel better. She was entirely kidding about the boob massage, but if Fergal was going to make himself happy, he always preached about how he liked her boobies, so. We'll see what he decides to do. After they arrived at his place, the car ride was forgettable. No talking, no nothing. Just silence and Fergal was putting himself back together. They made their way inside and Pam hit the lights. "I'll make the hot chocolate. Just sit down baby." Fergal removed his formal wear and rested it on the recliner. Laying on the couch, Fergal felt a sense of relaxation for the first time in a long time. Pam made the hot chocolate and carefully walked both mugs out to him, setting the cups on the coffee table. Pam slid her dress off and was in her undies, just like him. Grabbing the blanket draped over the top of the couch, Pam slid it over them both and clicked the television on, scanning through the movies. Pam got as close as she could to Fergal and felt skin on skin. That was her favorite feeling, bare skin touching one another..He was also soft as hell, so that was also a plus. This was the best way to end the year, this was the way that they should have ended their year in the first place...cuddled up on the couch, hot chocolate, movies? What can ever be better than that.