Turn It Up

'Tis Better To Have Love And Lost

A week had gone by since Alexis did what she did. And Fergal still had the lingering effects from it.. He didn't want this to go down the tubes, his friendship with her was basically over and why was it over? Because she's smarter than Pam thought she was. She knew that the issue with Pam giving her those odd looks, and for the last.. Jeez, several months treating her just a little off base was entirely due to Alexis being near Fergal. But guess what? That's gone now, as much as OBVIOUSLY it broke Alexis' heart to literally walk away from two of her best friends, she didn't want to continue this bullshit game of who's mad at who, and more importantly; why? Well the who and why were established and set in stone, and this was the second longest week that Fergal has ever gone through. Pam herself felt.. Bad. Of course she felt bad, she basically huffed and puffed and blew one of their best friends away forever, that really sucked ass to deal with. Especially knowing that she hurt Fergal in a way that she has never done before. Pam was becoming this monster that Fergal didn't know how to deal with when it came to shit like this. Was Fergal innocent? No of course not, there are obviously things he needs to work on. Such as; communication, understanding Pam's feelings and genuinely understanding them rather than just claiming to understand. No relationship is perfect, not a single one. But if two people can work through the flaws of the other? That is the closest to perfect you will ever get. But here's the kicker; you actually HAVE TO WORK ON THE ISSUES FIRST. Granted; Mercedes dug her own grave with fucking up her friendship with Fergal and Pam collectively. But at the end of the day? Who initiated that, who was the one who planted that seed of doubt, and started creating distance LONG before Mercedes made her mistake? Pam did. She didn't like how close Fergal was to Mercedes and that drove her up the wall. Now that she was out of the picture, her anxiety and insecurity turned its head and locked onto Alexis. Now that she's gone?.. Who knows. Maybe Pam will not be insecure anymore, maybe she will be. The only thing Fergal knows is that he has now lost two very close, best friends of his and the spark to all of this is Pamela and her dreaded insecurity that he for some fucking reason can never, ever fix. Everybody has insecurities, but it's when you let them consume you do they become truly dangerous to yourself, and everybody around you. Case in point, Pam cannot see Fergal talk to other women without feeling threatened, and the more 'attractive' the female, the stronger the resentment for said person is. The problem grows when you cannot be helped, no matter who tried.. Fergal has done every single thing that he possibly can do to make sure she realizes how special she is to him.. And all his efforts fail..

"I'm gonna go pick up our takeout. I'll be back in a bit." Fergal rose from the hotel bed and didn't even really glance over at Pam when he headed for the door, Pam cleared her throat. "Drive careful, babe.." Her voice was quiet and deflated almost. Fergal opened the door, "I will." He walked out of the room and shut the door behind him. His relationship was slowly falling apart and it was falling apart FAST. For some reason, perhaps it was because Pam's insecurity was too powerful to deal with, and she has been unable to get to her psychiatrist in weeks almost.. Pam was making decent progress with all of this mental health crap. She grabbed her phone and texted April, the only person who really understood her; 'I fucked up.' That's all, that's all the text said and Pam set her phone down on the end table to her left. Pam curled her knees up to her chest and felt completely powerless to this, and helpless inside of her very own body.

It didn't take long for April to call her and Pam waited a few rings to answer the phone. After a few more than normal, she answered, clearing her throat again. "H-hello?" Her voice was that of a damaged woman and it was so obvious, she was rather bad at hiding emotions and that was another thing that Pam sucked at. "What the hell happened? What did you fuck up?" April jumped right into it, she didn't wanna waste time to help her special lady. Pam didn't even know how to talk about this properly, she didn't even know how to approach the topic that her own mind was the reason why she was losing every single thing that was around her. She began to fear, immediately that April would be next. "I'm pushing e-everyone away from me. And Fergal is getting more distant." Pam's words were quite alarming to April, "What are you talking about baby cakes? Why would he be getting more distant..?" She was entirely clueless, April actually had a little.. Hunch that Pam's insecurity was a dastardly, evil being that was manifesting itself into something that was out of control. "Cause I'm a fucking moron. I basically am a huge reason why he's not friends with Mercedes anymore. Maybe if I didn't make it so hard for him to be friends with her, she wouldn't have done what she d-did. And and, Alexis? She did LITERALLY nothing wrong and I just, I ruined this. I ran her off with a pitchfork screaming. Not literally. Don't even. She's gone, April. She doesn't want anything to do with us anymore and it's MY FAULT!" Listening to Pam periodically shout was so.. Different, it was something out of a nightmare at this point, everything was slowly spiraling out of control. The only thing that was actually going well was, ironically, work. Pam was champion, Fergal was champion, and they were both preparing to get into lengthy programs with people they've always wanted to work with. But now Pam had to deal with the awkward fucking situation of Alexis having resentment towards her in their promos, and matches. The scary thing, is Alexis can cut a promo, regardless of what it's on. But when she feels a certain way towards someone, or something? Then she will light you up. Wrestling wise? Nothing to fear, Alexis is a professional, so is Pam. No risk of on purpose injury would ever, EVER happen. "I don't understand babe. What did you do?" April was trying to get this really out of Pam but make sure that she didn't explode. "Just try and take a deep breath, relax. Realize I am here.. Okay? Now slowly, tell me what happened." April was practically a miracle worker and it was incredible that she was so, proficient in this. Pam took in a deep breath and let one out..

"My insecurity, my fear of someone taking Fergal away from me is what drove Lexi away. What drove Mercedes away, I'm so scared that it'll drive you away too.. Please help me.." Pam was entirely helpless and she didn't really know what to do at all about this. As stated earlier, Fergal has tried to help her to the best of his ability, I mean come on now. The two are ALWAYS right with one another, how is it that she can be insecure.. She practically knows every single time he goes to the bathroom for fucks sake. "I see.. You need to realize that nobody wants to take him from you, also, you need to ALWAYS remember that Fergal is in this for you. He isn't the kind of guy who would lie to you and deceive you like that just to get a piece of ass. If he wanted to just go around fucking any girl he wants, he would. But guess what love? Look at your left hand, that finger in between your pinky and your middle finger? Yea see that rock? That means he wants to MARRY you. Marriage, the most absolute scary and final thing in life besides death. He wants that with you. Nobody else. Lexi? Girl don't you know she also is getting married and it is NOT to Fergal?.." April was making sense, but that cold, dreadful feeling was consuming Pam yet again.

"But how do I stop these thoughts from actually making me do and say things I really didn't want to say? How honestly can I.." Pam was really weak right now, her own thoughts were so powerful that literally they almost possessed her. "I mean for crying out loud just seeing Fergal hug Lexi almost made me want to punch her in the face. A HUG, coming from me!? That's like, blasphemy!" The ironic joke made April giggle in her signature way, and after it was over, she spoke again. "Look, Pammie. Sweetheart, the light of my life. You need to remember the things I told you. And Lexi is someone also who wouldn't want to take Fergal from you, the attempt wouldn't even be there. What happened with Mercedes? Happened. It was a thing that nobody really saw coming, and honestly I don't think she really.. Knew what she was doing, the girl did just technically lose her man that she loved more than life itself and had nobody to go to. She couldn't go to you about it, because of what he did to you guys, the wound was still fresh, y'know? And she couldn't really go to Fergal because you told me a long while ago, I think.. When we got that massage a few weeks back.. Remember? That she was aware of the insecurity you had. I am in NO way defending her, I'm just trying to make sense of everything that's happened to you, regardless of how insane these things really are.. I just want my baby to be okay. And NO. I do NOT want to take Fergal from you.. So relax." April's speech resonated with Pam, the part about Mercedes did make sense, but also it was still entirely NOT cool for her to try and seduce Fergal into bed with her life that. No fucking way is that at all cool to do. Regardless if you're friends, ex friends, or even just acquaintances. Trying to seduce someone else's man into having sex with you when you KNOW they're in a relationship is deplorable. "That does make sense.. B-but.. How can I be more confident in myself? Those girls, you even.. You guys are everything that a guy would want and need in another human being.. I'm just not, I'm just me. I'm not skinny, I hate my face.. I hate my stupid lisp.. All of it is just sickening.." Pam was going off about herself again. "HEY! Knock it off you dummy. You are the cutest, CUTEST goddamn person I've ever met. Fergal saw that when he first met you and he still sees it now, no matter how frustrated he gets with you, you still are his baby girl from San Jose. Shit, I gotta go. Jon's back! I love ya!" Pam smiled knowing April would be happy, "Enjoy, don't forget protection. I love you too. Bye!"

That phone call calmed down the anxiety attack that was slowly creeping up on Pam's mind. She finally got herself a little calmer and Fergal began to slide his keycard into the door. He opened it with two bags of delicious smelling Thai food. "Hey darling." Pam sprang to her feet and darted over to him, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tight, "I love you.." She whispered as Fergal was staggered with the sudden lunge from his love. "H-hey.. I love you too. Is everything alright?" Pam nodded as Fergal weakly hugged her back, he couldn't really hug her back too efficiently due to the bags of food in both of his hands, but he tried. Pam pulled away, "I'm sorry I am the way I am. I'm sorry I mess up a lot, I'm sorry I'm not the way you need me to be, look the way you want, talk the way you like.. I'm sorry. Okay? I know I'm just a hot mess and.." Fergal stopped her, "Whoa whoa whoa.. Stop that nonsense babe. I signed up for this, all of it. The good, the bad, the indifferent. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I love your voice, your lisp is the most precious thing I've ever heard." He leaned in and kissed her cheek, making her heart flutter like a little butterfly. "C'mon, let's watch Game of Thrones and eat." Pam nodded and helped him set things up so they can eat. Thank god for that Skipper from New Jersey. Although damage still was there in their relationship.. It was not relationship threatening.. Hopefully moving forward the lingering threat from all of these outside sources can just stop and go away forever.. Fergal will be devastated if Alexis really is gone.. But.. he has Pam, he loves Pam.. Pam is literally everything to him..