Turn It Up

Reminder Of What Hurts

Being alone during a time like this almost felt contradictory to what everyone around him had told him this entire time. 'Oh we'll always be there.' 'If you ever need someone give me a shout.' Yea? Well where the fuck are you now. The only person with a pass here is Alexis, she still is in the hospital bed working on her recovery.. Fergal guessed that everyone else had excuses too, work and family superseded his need for comfort right here right now. But it still burned him on the inside in a place where he never thought those specific people would actually burn him.. Fergal looked around the dimly lit pub, taking in the sights, sounds and smells of being in a place like this. He loved it, he had so many memories of hitting places like this up with groups of friends, family, Pam even. But now here he sat, all of those memories simply functioned as a grim reminder that he was alone right now and not a soul was there to make him feel any better. He hated this kind of being alone, this was the time where a person would think about all of their wrong doings, and always take full responsibility to them. Fergal thought about Pam first and foremost.. Oh Pamela. How much damage he's caused you.. At least that's where his mind went. The infinite amount of happy times that they actually had were rapidly replaced by the dark visage of the times where tears went down her face and he was the cause. He thought to the times where he couldn't see that his relationships with people like Alexis and Mercedes were damaging her on the inside and eventually, out. But how can one be expected to just drop people you care about, people you like? How can you stop being a fan even of something like that whenever you're told to do so? Fergal couldn't figure it out. Hence why he was here thinking like this, hence why Pam has cried over this issue several times. Hence why her insecurity has never truly gone away. He closed his eyes and the lovely image of Pam hugging him was slowly being reduced to cinders right in front of his eyes. After it slowly burned away, he witnessed the pained expression of Pam turning away from Fergal as he had that traditional clueless face on, as in he hurt her but did not know what he did. Fergal needed a wakeup call, he needed to be more aware of his surroundings. But at the same time, was Pam even being reasonable with what she basically demanded of him? Was it truly a fair thing to do to force someone to drop things you care about for the sake of their own conjured insecurity? Fergal never could figure that out honestly. Mercedes made sense, she was always a little overboard when it came to being suggestive. From ring gear, to backstage behavior. It made sense. But Alexis didn't make sense.. She was literally fifty percent of the reason why they're even dating.. She is the SOLE reason reason why Pam had the courage to entertain this idea of being with Fergal.. How can she put that insecurity onto her?

It boggled his mind to no end, he downed a tall boy, (a beer in a rather large glass) and asked for another one. This probably wasn't the BEST idea he's ever had. Beer plus bad thoughts typically ended in something really shitty happening. Fergal didn't care right now, his mind was being skewed into an ideology that was not too healthy. But it was the one he was currently entertaining.. Fergal looked around the pub yet again and saw that there were so many people just being happy, laughing and smiling with their friends and loved ones. What had Fergal done so wrong in this life, or a previous one, to deserve this much hardship? Friends damn near dying, his relationship CONSTANTLY being fucked with.. He had to have pissed someone off somewhere along the line to have to be subjected to this kind of horseshit treatment, he didn't know, however..

It was a bad time for him right now, the time for growing was over and all that was left in ruin.. His mind was in shambles and there was no turning back. He wondered briefly what April and Pam were doing, but he honest to god didn't really care at this point. After he finished half of his tall boy, he left money on the counter to well over cover for the two drinks. "Thanks mate." He spoke quietly to the barista and walked out of the pub. Fergal was hit in the face with a giant gust of wind and he had an idea that only he, well, wanted to do. Fergal decided to just kind of walk. Aimlessly walk around. His phone was in his pocket and on ring JUST in case someone did try and make a vain attempt at getting ahold of him, to either make sure he's okay or ask for a favor for the millionth and a half time. Pam didn't even bother to try and get his attention, which was concerning honestly.. He left her apartment in such a haze that it was incredible her brain didn't think to check up on him. Whatever at this point, he wasn't expecting a soul to try and get ahold of him. No one typically did, Fergal was the one who went out of his goddamn way to ensure that everybody he loves actually knew that he did. While on the opposite side of the coin? If anyone ever did try to reach out to him, he never heard about it. It was as if they didn't really even exist. Like a paper friend, there when they need you, vanish when you need them. Fergal pondered all of these ideas inside his damaged mind, he felt like he was slipping away from himself and there was no one there that was able, or willing, to help him out. He walked the dark streets alone, with nothing left to call his own. It was about twenty minutes now since he left the pub, his car was still parked in their parking lot and he was quite a ways away from it, but did he care? Not really. Not at all actually, why would he? He didn't have anywhere to go anytime soon. Nobody has texted him or even tried to call, so where did he have to go besides insane? It was at this time where he finally felt his phone vibrate. He thought briefly about not answering it, or even looking to see who actually decided to try and get ahold of him. It took him five minutes to have that desire to check and see who texted him, for the vibrate only happened twice, spaced out in a two minute interval. The reminder setting on his phone notified him of a text two minutes after he initially received it. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at it, it was Matt of all people. Why the hell was Matt texting him, ah who gives a shit. He unlocked his phone and went to his messages, still nothing from Pam.. Or April for that matter. That honestly disgusted him to no end it made him physically shake his head from side to side. Matt's message simply read, 'Call me mate.'

Fergal did in fact get worried about this, of course his natural instinct was to get concerned with a friend going through what Matt was going through, to suddenly text him and say something like that. Fergal took in a deep breath, and breathed out longer to calm himself down a bit. After a solid minute or two he called Matt and began to walk back the direction he came, thinking that he was required to go see him or something. It was the safest bet, if something serious happened Fergal needed to get his ass moving as fast as possible. Matt answered, "Where are you Fergal." Fergal was concerned now, "Uh I'm just going on a little solo tour of Orlando. Why. What happened? Are you alright mate?" Fergal started walking faster, he felt his heart beat quicker and quicker. The blood inside his body coursed through his veins quicker, and quicker.. With each step he took, his doubt and fear rose ten fold. "Everybody is okay. We were actually talking about you, Lex and I, and she pointed out things.. That I didn't see before. So we want you to come by. If you can of course. We would go to you, but. She can't leave yet. Is that cool with you, buddy?"

Matt was a good guy, a really good guy. And this definitely was his time to shine with Fergal. He was a little confused as to what Alexis meant by she noticed things. Noticed what? Body language? His voice? The words he chose? Perhaps Alexis was just worried about his mental state after having to endure this kind of trauma at a rapid fire rate.. He didn't know right now what Alexis was talking about nor did he really wanna try and question it, that would only make him look more suspicious. "Uh, yea man. I can get over there soon. Just lemme get back to my car.." Matt looked over at Alexis and almost confirmed her suspicions.. "See you soon Ferg." The phone hung up and Matt put it down on his lap, looking at Alexis. She cleared her throat yet it was still raspy. "Well..?" Matt nodded slowly at her words, "You were right, Lex. Fergal was walking all alone just, walking. Aimlessly." Alexis closed her eyes tight and whispered, "I knew it.." She had some hunch based off of what she saw that Fergal was not going to be okay, but the timing was amazing, honestly. She had Matt call him right then and there? When Fergal was slipping into insanity all on his own? How did that work out so nicely? April and Pam were still hanging out with one another, possibly April was engaging Pam in some kind of therapy session.. Fergal had no idea, right now he just walked. Walked to his car and once he arrived there, he saw that the pub was super busy. Luckily for him, he managed to beat the rush and have his beers before they all showed up out of the clear blue sky. Even though it wasn't too clear, or blue right now. The darkness that he felt inside his soul almost oozed out and corrupted the sky above him. It was a thought that he actually entertained as truth until he realized the pure insanity that thinking like that actually was. He got inside of his car and turned it on, listening to the engine kick on and sit there, pondering over the last few weeks and how completely batshit insane it was for him.. He drove out of the parking lot and began to drive towards the hospital where Alexis was stationed at. Fergal decided to text Pam, even though it was going to burn his ass to do that.. He sent her just a quick simple little message. 'I'm going to the hospital to be with Matt. Text me or call me if you need me.' He knew she would get upset..

Pam was just the beacon of Fergal's life, but at the same time he hated the fact that she didn't really prioritize her care for him.. Very much. It always made him feel like shit. He didn't really think that she knew the things she did to him were bad, he couldn't understand why she would do that other than the fact that she just didn't really know what she was doing to him. Fergal was slowly getting to the hospital, traffic was being a real bitch right now and he was getting slightly frustrated. He was wondering how Alexis was doing, Shinsuke, Rebecca.. Everyone who has been suffering for the last few weeks. Pam was at the top of the list, even though he was just with her and he knew she was doing okay? He still had those thoughts of, 'Is she okay?' because typically she didn't let him in on what her brain was really considering as truth or fiction.. He shook his head at his own thoughts and considerations, for he really did feel worthless right now, completely worthless and it sucked so badly.. Fergal arrived at the hospital after what felt like an eternity.. He got out of his car and walked inside of the hospital, bad memories were flooding into his mind yet again. Fergal wasn't growing as a person right now, he almost felt like his mind was deciding that it was time to recede into this shitty dark place where he was, almost when the Rami and Pam incident. Walking up to the receptionist who literally knew him by name at this point. Fergal smiled weakly and nodded at her, walking towards Alexis' room. He shook his head, before entering the room where Alexis and Matt were.