Turn It Up

The Black Forest

There was a weird, very specific feeling that Fergal was beginning to feel almost all the time. Whenever he was around Pam he almost felt like his patience was at an all time low, and that he was far too sick of everything to even be around her. It was never an obvious thing however; Pam had no idea what he ever thought about. But inside Fergal's mind he, in the moment, hated some of the things that she said and did. It was so strange and overwhelming.. He had to go to work in just an hour, and Pam did not so that was actually a positive thing for him. They didn't fight, nor did they really even disagree, on the surface everything felt like it was normal and functioning as planned. Pam was getting better with her anger and anxiety, for the therapist was actually breaking down barriers inside of her mind. But Fergal? He was doing fine, at least that's what he would say if you asked him. Inside he was having a repeating mental breakdown at freefall speed. It wasn't even a feeling of when you need to cry, or scream. It was just an indescribable force gripping his muscles, almost tearing at them from the inside. Fergal needed to be alone, and by be alone I simply mean away from Pam. It was such a sad thing to look at in concept because Pam at this point in time was doing nothing really that wrong. Sure she still had her insecurities and her complaints that did drive Fergal up the wall. And for the record, they only drove him up the wall because no matter what he said or did for her, she still had them, stating, 'I can't just change how I feel.' And that hopeless feeling, that disgusting feeling just overwhelmed Fergal at all times when he was around her. He continued packing and knew that it was going to do him good to not be around her, he didn't feel that fire anymore, he didn't feel that insatiable need to be around her all the time, or talk to her. He just wanted out, he wanted to go and go far away. Pam wanted to go with him, that childish need to be around him at all times was becoming almost adorable.. To everybody except Fergal. Don't get me wrong, he still loved Pam, and loved her to pieces. But she was.. Different. They were different, everything about them was different to Fergal and he was not really aware of why he felt like this. After he finished packing, he silently rose to his feet and rabbed his bag, looking over to Pam who was peacefully sleeping on the bed. He walked over to her and leaned down, kissing her softly on the forehead and whispering, "Hey.. I have to go. I'll text you when I get there." His whisper and action caused her to peel her little brown eyes open and nod slowly, "Oookay babe. Be safe and have fun.." Her sleepy voice was only present briefly, before her eyes shut once more, and she swiftly fell back asleep.

Fergal quietly left the room and shut the door behind him, he was not quite sure why she was so tired, maybe she was just getting sick or something. Or perhaps because she's been bumming around all day that made her far more sleepy than if she was being active. He walked to the elevator and pushed the button for the ground floor. Looking around the rather nice and extravagant elevator, Fergal's mind was drifting away to why he was feeling the way he felt towards Pam. What was so different now that made this such a bizarre relationship for him to be a part of.. The doors swung open and Fergal swiftly left the elevator, and promptly the building. He couldn't get the thought out of his head about that stalker person, the one who attacked Pam was still out there and there was no sign of them being caught. For if he/she was caught? The police would have contacted at least Fergal about the issue. He walked into the parking lot and hopped into his car, setting his bag down in the passenger seat. Fergal felt so.. Deflated right now..

He was beginning to think that his relationship with Pam was falling apart. It was doing so underneath the surface and talking to her about his feelings and worry's would only make her freak out and cause it to disintegrate faster than it already is. He began to drive away, still thinking about this and his stomach slowly began to feel sick. It was becoming obvious that due to their excessive fights about things over the entirety of their relationship, that this was the actual cause of Fergal's anxiety, his doubts, his fears.. He saw her and didn't see the bubbly woman that once stole his heart, he saw the person she has become.. A jealous husk of her former self. And Fergal couldn't get passed that. He could not shake the feeling of what she has done, and what she has said about him, about what he's interested in, about his friends.. It was all so much and now when he was around her it was like a test of how long he could keep this act up of him bullshitting about being okay. Pam was a completely different person than when Fergal first met her, she has gotten more spiteful and more jealous, FAR MORE JEALOUS!! Fergal isn't the same person either, he was an independent person who didn't rely on anything to keep him going. He used to be self sufficient and okay with where his life was going; alone. But now? He needed her support, he needed that lifeline that just in case the shit hit the fan? He had someone to help him out. And perhaps that dependency has lead to these fights, perhaps that dependency has lead to Pam thinking he needs someone, and that's why he attached himself to Alexis the way he did. But the only problem if that is how Pam thinks? Fergal has never once tried to get with Alexis in the way that Pam fears. Same thing with Mercedes, he never even had the THOUGHT of wanting to have sex with her, either of them. The reason for the nightmare FAR LONG after Pam's jealousy began was because of her jealousy. To make it simple, Pam's jealous nature lead directly to Fergal's nightmare about Mercedes. It was indirect obviously, and Pam would never intentionally want to harm him like that because holy shit, that nightmare REALLY bothered him. But it happened, and they both were different people from when they first fell in love. Fergal arrived at the arena and felt nauseous as fuck now. He didn't want to get out of the car in fear of throwing up at the first sign of something moving so he leaned forward, resting his head on the steering wheel. His brain hurt, his heart ached and he feared that he didn't want to be with Pam anymore.. A thought that honestly shakes him to his very foundation, a thought he never thought he would EVER have..

After literally fifteen minutes Fergal raised his head up and felt.. Not better, just not as awful. He opened up the car door and grabbed his bag, leaving the vehicle and very slowly walking towards the arena. It was a giant place actually, almost like a stadium built for pay-per-views, but this was just a house show, or Live Event for you new WWE fans. Fergal was confused as to why this extravagant arena was necessary for something so, on paper, small. He walked inside and looked around, there were all the familiar faces, friends, coworkers, fans with VIP passes, but Fergal had to get to his locker room and get ready to get to work. He sadly couldn't stop for fans or even to talk to his friends. He put his head down and kept walking, and walking, and walking. It seemed like forever that he was going to his locker, and finally when he raised his head up he saw the door. He reached down and grabbed the doorknob and turned it to open the large metal door. Just before he got it fully open he felt a little hand grab his forearm, Fergal didn't know if it was a fan or not but he had to at LEAST look over to see who it was so he can be a proper gentleman about it. When he turned his head, it was NOT a fan.. Not at all.

Well in a joking term, it was a fan. "Fergal.. How are- wait why do you have a big red line on your forehead?" It was Alexis and she was the mark on his head from the steering wheel. Fergal's face flushed red and he opened the door fully, "I uh, I fell asleep earlier and leaned on my head. Nothing to worry about Lexi. How are you? How's the head?" This conversation had to be brief, Fergal couldn't take it.. Being social that is. Alexis smiled, imagining her silly friend falling asleep somewhere where he got that little mark, "You fell asleep in the parking lot, didn't you." Fergal laughed and thus, so did she. "Why yes, yes I did.." Alexis smiled and nodded, "My head is okay. I still can't wrestle yet, concussion symptoms haven't worn off just yet but.. At least the scar makes me look cute." She shrugged her shoulders and looked around, then back at Fergal. "Eh, it does suit you, cute isn't the word I'd use, lass." Fergal quietly laughed at his little jab to Alexis and she swatted his arm gently. "First of all, rude." She raised her finger and laughed a little bit and then saw that.. That look in his eyes. "Well. I won't keep bothering you, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Pam went to see me but.. You didn't. And I was just.. Oh nevermind Fergal. I'll see you later." Alexis hung her head low and Fergal wanted quite badly to try to help her out, stopping her dead in her tracks and asking her what's wrong, or offering her an explanation as to why he didn't actually go see her is what he WANTED to do.. But.. He didn't.. He allowed her to walk away, and she looked terribly sad as she did it. Fergal hung his head low, ashamed of what he didn't just do for someone he cares about. He turned and entered the locker room slowly, almost sluggishly. Alexis turned briefly to see him do this and she felt just as horrible.. They shared the feeling of being incapable of helping a friend in need. Fergal threw, and I mean THREW his suitcase against the wall and sat down quickly on the bench that was in there for him, he put his head in his hands and just couldn't get Pam out of his head. He couldn't stop thinking about how she hated him, how she hated who he liked, how she hated basically everything he does. He thought about how no matter what he did, even it was small, she complained to no end and got mad at him for it. Fergal felt worthless. There was no way he was going to talk to anybody about this, talking wouldn't make him feel better. He needs a solution, a way out. Fergal rubbed the back of his head firmly, eyes still shut harshly closed. Fergal came to the conclusion that the fire that once burned ever so brightly between him and Pam was going out, as if you had a candle and put a lid on it.. Slowly withering away and dying out. His heart became cold and almost lifeless..

Fergal knew he had his work cut out for him tonight, he was wrestling Joe, (Roman Reigns) in a Last Man Standing match for the Universal Title. Granted, it was a house show.. So a big title change on the main roster was almost an anomaly; but he still had to go out there and work his ass off to steal the show. The second half of his work tonight was somehow putting these feelings of disappointment into a bottle and throwing it somewhere.. Then forgetting where he threw it so he would never have to deal with it again. God, the realization that his relationship spark, that one thing that kept it alive was now going away.. That thought just crippled his heart and mind. He didn't know what Pam thought, perhaps she wanted to leave him, perhaps she already had a guy on the side and he just didn't know about it. Perhaps none of these shitty thoughts were true and he was just paranoid as all hell. Fergal walked over to his bag and grabbed it, placing it on the bench. He had to begin getting ready to go to work. He had to realize that no matter what hardships he was going through, how depressed he was.. The show must go on..