Turn It Up

Take Care Of Yourself

Pam felt like there was an icy weight on her chest, confessing her secret to anyone did NOT make her feel good, it didn't matter at all.. This was something that she did NOT want anyone to know.. Not a single soul could know of her deed.. Rebecca's jaw was still agaped.. "How could you have let that happen." Pam tried to defend herself against the onslaught of questions.. "I-I.. We were on a break! I didn't know if I ever would have him again! And I was drunk as hell Becks.. Please don't judge me or tell him.. I.. I can't.." Pam tried to save her own ass right now.. She did NOT want Fergal to know what she has done. She could not have him know.. Rebecca shook her head slowly, almost like an ashamed parent. "If you truly loved this man, then no matter the predicted outcome of being with him.. You would never do something like that Pamela." Rebecca looked down, sighing loudly. "Look. Fergal is like a brother to me now. He was one of the first and only people to be there for me when I didn't know who I was as a human being. When I didn't know what I wanted.. Liking women was something that was new to me. And Fergal was the actual only person on this fuckin' planet that didn't look at me under a microscope, judging my every breath.. He was just supportive.. My rock.. If you don't tell him? Then I literally have no choice but to do it myself. I can't have someone so important to me.. Be happy about something that is predicated on a secret that could break him. What happens if you wait until you get married to tell him? What happens if Aaron pulls a fast one on you and decides, 'Oops. Fuck Pam. Oh wait, I just did.' What happens? What will you do? What will HE do.. You don't even want to think about what happens when Fergal finds out what you did.. Of course, you're right. But at the same time, you're absolutely not. You were not bound to him by being in a relationship, but at the same time Pam.. You claim you love him.. Yet look at what you've done." Rebecca's rant made Pam feel like.. Like less than a human being. The cold feeling in the middle of her chest rapidly turned into a sharp pain. It felt like a stake was being pressed deep into her chest cavity. Pam was crying, but was not reacting to it whatsoever. Cold tears silently slid down her cheeks as she looked down and the streamed down, crashing onto the floor. "I should go. I'm sorry I even came. You don't need to include me in your wedding anymore Rebecca. Thank you for the consideration." Pam stood up and Rebecca watched her, "I want you in my wedding." She tried to stop Pam with her words, but Pam was having none of it. "No. It really is fine. I'll see you later. Maybe at work, or something." Pam made exactly no eye contact with Rebecca right now, how could she? She felt ashamed of herself.. Pam simply left.

    Rebecca silently began to cry. She was unsure about if she just lost one of her best friends in the entire world.. Friends like Pam don't just grow on fucking trees. Pam got into her car and sat there for a minute. One minute turned into two, two turned into three.. And soon Pam had been sitting her her car for fifteen minutes, just staring at the ground, the tears simply continued to fall off of her face and hit her legs. The tears seeped through her leggings and dampened her legs.. Pam's phone buzzed and it was none other than Alexis. 'Hey Pam. I know we haven't talked in awhile, but I was just texting you to check up. How are things?' Pam didn't want to even fucking reply to her. Nor did she want to reply to anyone in the whole world. Pam was about two realistic seconds away from going into hiding. And that she did. She started her car and drove off. Her own heart, now void of emotion, slowly beat inside her chest..

    Fergal on the other hand had a blast with his buddies. It was so good to see friends and as everyone left they all said their goodbyes. Hugs went out and most of them went into their cars. Fergal noticed that Cathy was missing from the goodbyes. He looked around and couldn't find the tall, bubbly brunette. Fergal waved as the others left and backed up back into the restaurant. He looked around where they sat, and he looked at the bar area and there she sat. All by herself, he noticed how Cathy's shoulders slumped.. Slumped almost like she was bumming out about something. Fergal walked up behind her and patted her back gently, "Hey.. What's goin' on lass? You didn't say bye to anyone, and you look so bummed out.. Is there anything you wanna talk about?" Fergal remembered her telling him that she did catch feelings for him, and that probably weighed heavily on her mind at all times, possibly thinking that she ruined their friendship.. Cathy sighed and stirred her straw that was in the glass right in front of her. "Ah nothing.. I'm sorry that I didn't say bye to anyone Ferg.. I just. I don't know, just bumming out is all. Don't mind me, you don't need to stick around." Cathy clearly couldn't be left alone right now, nor did Fergal even consider it. He pulled up a stool and sat down right next to her. "Nope. Nice try though. I'm going exactly nowhere. What's wrong. Is it about what you told me a while back?" Fergal spoke quietly just in case someone was around that might hear. Cathy looked over at him, then back at her glass, and.. Nodded. Fergal knew that's what was bothering her and he felt like dog shit over it. "Aw.. Look.. I think it is so adorable that you have feelings for me.. Honestly Cathy, you are such a wonderful woman. In another world? We probably would be dating. And I see nothing wrong with it because I see nothing wrong with you. You're smart, you're funny, you know what you want out of life, you're really beautiful. There is no flaw in you so please do NOT think it has something to do with you. Just chill.. Okay? I'm still here, I'm not going to just stop being friends with you just because I know you like me-" Cathy interrupted him, "I actually think I might love you. Fergal." Fergal's reassurance was halted in place. He didn't exactly expect her to say that.. But nevertheless he had to ensure his composure was maintained. "I see.. Honestly? I'm so sorry that I can't explore those feelings with you Cathy. It makes me feel wicked bad knowing that you have to sit there and.. Feel that. Without having any kind of payoff. Is there something I can do? Besides the obvious, of course.." Cathy thought about it for a long few moments, "I don't know Ferg.. I just. Go be with Pam.. She probably misses you.." Cathy took a big swig of her drink and put the glass down.

    Poor kid, Fergal felt so bad for her. "Are you going to be okay getting back to your place? Hotel and all that jazz?" Cathy nodded, "Thank you for checking up on me, I've said it before and I will most definitely say it again; Pam is one lucky lady to have a guy like you in her life every single day.." Fergal smiled at Cathy's kind words. "Thank you lass. You will make some guy so happy to have you. I promise you. You will find him someday. Just keep that pretty head up, and always be smiling. Okay? Things will work out for you.. That.. I can definitely promise." Fergal opened his arms and was wanting to give Cathy a big, well deserved hug. She of course took this chance and leapt into his arms, wrapping her arms around Fergal's neck as she whispered, "T-Thank you." The hug broke and Cathy smiled weakly. "Take care of yourself lass. I'll be in touch." Fergal offered a smile in return, and left the restaurant. He felt so bad for her.. She was such a fucking sweetheart, she didn't deserve to feel that cold and empty feeling..

    Pam knew that Rebecca was right. She did have to tell Fergal what she did when they were not together. This was going to be.. A mistake telling him.. She just knew it. Calling Fergal, he answered just as happy as she expected him to. "Hey baby! I'm on my way back to the hotel now, I just grabbed some food with friends from work, what's up? Are you and the Bex-Express done planning yet?" Pam smiled at his words, and didn't even care who was with him at the food place. "Uh yeah. We are definitely done planning. I'm here now. We need to talk." Pam hung the phone up on him as he was driving. "Pam? Baby? Are you still there?" Fergal asked, even though he had no idea the phone had hung up in all actuality. Fergal immediately began driving faster, he was now super worried as to what had happened. Perhaps they got into a fight? Maybe Rebecca and Pam disagreed on something that escalated due to the stress of the situation. Fergal didn't know at all what was going on but he did NOT like it. Arriving at the hotel now, it was a shit show in his stomach. He was so nervous as to what Pam was going to tell him and it was probably so awkward for her, I mean they were staying in the same fucking hotel. How much more awkward tension can you possibly get? Imagine if you try to avoid someone, but you walk out of your room only to run right into them. Fergal ran inside and got to the elevator. That was possibly the slowest elevator ride in human history.. Fergal could NOT wait to get off of this box of emotion. Finally after what felt like an eternity the doors opened.. Fergal darted out of the elevator and ran towards the door where Pam was behind. After he got there, he slid his keycard into the doorknob and swung the door open. Pam's head turned quickly to see a very stressed out Fergal standing there, and Fergal was feeling more stress than he ever has felt.. Ever. "What happened? Are you okay?" Fergal spoke as he walked towards her, and Pam didn't want to do this.. It got worse, the feeling inside of her got worse. "Please just sit down.." Pam spoke quietly and Fergal took a seat across from her in the little chair. He leaned forward, "Whatever it is, I'm almost sure that I won't care.. " Fergal saying that only made it clear that what Pam was about to say would almost certainly kill him. "I.." Pam started, and she had to stop, looking down and there it was again, that cold sinking feeling in the center of her chest. Pam didn't know what to do, was there still time to back out of telling him the truth? "You.. What?" Fergal asked quietly, as the seconds drug on and on and on it crushed Pam to even want to do this. Finally.. She looked up at him, conquering her fear and began saying it..

    "When we were on a break. I didn't know if we would ever get back together again. As a matter of fact. I don't even think that was a break.. Therefore.." Fergal's fixed gaze upon her narrowed into a piercing stare.. Inside the pit of his stomach he knew what was coming.. His heart began to be rung out like a wet towel and he was just waiting for the killing blow to be delivered. "I met up with. Had drinks with. And.. I had sex with Aaron." Fergal's eye twitched once as the figurative dagger was inserted into his heart, spilling all type of emotion and love he ever had. He had so many questions. Beginning with why she did it. How she could do it. When did she do it. Instead? The words that came out of his mouth didn't really even shock Pam. "I think I should go." Pam wanted to beg him to stay, she wanted to make him sit his cute ass back down and talk about this. But instead she did nothing, she didn't resist his departure.. She sat there helplessly thinking this was all her fault. Fergal didn't even want to know the questions he previously had for her.. He didn't care.. She.. Didn't cheat on him literally.. But moved on quickly.