Turn It Up

Than Never To Have Loved At All

The next few weeks seemed to just simply be a blur.. Nothing seemed to be in line anymore. Food tasted bland and had no flavor, for Fergal it basically was like eating a slab of cardboard. The air felt thicker than it used to, resisting almost when he drew in breath for his lungs. Almost like his body was rejecting everything that he tried to do.. From simple things like sleeping, to complicated things like wrestling. Nothing felt the same and nothing felt good anymore. Nothing felt worth it, absolutely nothing. Rebecca and Ashley's wedding was coming up fast and Fergal was set to be involved in it, as well as Pam. They both were hand picked to be in the biggest day in their friends collective lives. And of course, what a better time for shit to hit the fan than right fucking now. Fergal was normally unbroken, he was tough as titanium, there was nothing in the whole wide world that would be able to bend or worse of all, break him. But this? This was new, this was something that dug deep into him. It stung him, it bore a hole into his heart and wedged itself in there. This feeling, that someone else.. Someone else was after all he has done, better and chosen. Someone else made her feel the things that he was once told only he could do. Fergal sat on his couch once more. The wedding was in two days. And he was not emotionally prepared to see Pam again. To see her face that he once called the most perfect face in the world. The woman who led him around like a fucking poodle, and made him believe things.. Hope is a powerful thing, it really is all we have when all else is lost. And Pam gave him hope, hope for the world, hope for his career, hope for his fucking life. But, hope has a nasty habit of doing the polar opposite thing you intended when you're not looking. And that hope that once drove Fergal into the next day to conquer it; now drove him into the ground, and now only made him wish for his own death. Fergal grabbed his little glass that had no ice in it, but was filled with Jack Daniels and downed every last drop. He exhaled deeply, the liquor was thick, and hard to swallow. But at this point? Fergal could quite literally swallow motor oil if he wanted to. He did not give a flying fuck about anything in his days anymore. The sun could supernova and kill every fucking thing that is alive and he wouldn't feel anything. Possibly he'd feel a little heat, but at this point with how unlucky Fergal is.. He assumed that he wouldn't even die from that. He'd be the only mother fucker left alive after all else has burned to the ground around him. He closed his eyes and pictured Pam's adorable little face.. She was the cutest fucking person he has ever laid his eyes on.. The thought of her with another man never crossed his mind up until the Colby situation where they were too friendly.. But now? That painful thought that he was ASSURED would never be reality was now.. The only thing..

    Fergal shook his head, eyes still closed. He exhaled shakily, feeling the rage bubble inside of his body. It rose and rose and ultimately got caught in his throat. Fergal reached for the glass once more but had no intention of drinking anything.. He threw the glass at his wall as hard as he could. The tiny glass exploded and glass flew EVERYWHERE. Fergal never batted an eyelash. The glass could have came back and hit him, and honestly if it did he wouldn't have felt anything. The pain might have actually been good for him. But it did not arrive. Now? Glass lay all over the place, and Fergal never budged, the only movement that came from the once happy to be alive Irishman was the steady breathing, in and out. Tiny tears began to form in his eyes and streamed down his cheeks, crashing onto the floor below him. This is a nightmare.

    There was no good feeling inside of Pam either, and she had to be positive for her recovery. The pain she felt from her shoulder was honestly deserved. Karma is something that Pam believes in fully. And honestly she owned up to her mistake, and Fergal reacted exactly how she would have as well. That is not why she was upset right now. She couldn't believe that she had sex with another guy so soon after Fergal and Pam split up. It is agreed on that the two were split up.. But I mean come on now.. You don't get engaged, talk about the future and plan for literally everything all for.. What? To up and leave and have sex with your ex who used to beat the ever loving shit out of you?.. The logic didn't make sense even to Pam at this point and she lumbered around her house, using her equipment and training up that badly damaged shoulder. The looming wedding and the chance to see Fergal is honestly all that she looked forward to. She was still madly in love with Fergal, there was not a pinch of confusion in her mind. Not even a sliver of doubt of whether or not she wanted to be with him. She did, she wanted to be with Fergal more than she wanted to be alive. Suicide is something that Pam did heavily consider after that day. After he left like he did and figuratively, at least to her, fell off of the face of the earth. It was a real consideration for what purpose did she serve? She emotionally murdered the purest soul and kindest spirit she has ever encountered. The promise she made to him, the trust they had was now shattered into a million pieces. Honestly? Pam had the thought of taking her own life multiple times due to this, her doubtful future now, her damaged shoulder.. Nothing seemed worth it and all of the progress that Pam made on her mental state was lost when Fergal left that room. All thoughts of normality were savagely murdered by Pam's own doing, all because her past caught up to her and her partying too hard got in the way of the best thing that she ever has had.. Not known to Pam or Fergal.. But their shared thought process lead them both have have the same, dark thoughts. That was no surprise though, the two were the closest couple in the world, the practically breathed at the same time. That is honestly one of the few reasons why Pam and Mercedes became such close friends, their habits were so similar. Pam was a party girl, but normally she had a lid on the sex thing whilst drunk. But Mercedes did not. She was basically.. A whore when she became drunk. There was no controlling her, and Pam had one of those nights.. And of course Aaron wasn't going to take the moral high ground here and deny her. But really? Pam didn't even remember if he made the moves or she did. She was too shitfaced to even recall that.. And honestly that was either going to redeem Aaron, or condemn him for all of eternity. Pam began to silently cry upon thinking about that wedding.. That goddamn wedding that she agreed to be a part of.. As a matter of fact? After this little.. Incident, Pam was entirely unsure if she was even welcome at the event. She grabbed her phone..

    Calling Rebecca would have been a horrible idea, she surely would have asked about Fergal. Pam turned off the feature on her iPhone where you can see when someone read your messages.. Primarily due to the fact that she expected Rebecca to ask her a million questions about Fergal. Texting the Irishwoman, 'Hi. Am I still invited to your wedding?' She set her phone down but as soon as it collided with the table, it buzzed with a response. Rebecca was not one to pull any punches, she laid into you and gave you the damn truth when you needed to be slapped in the face with it. 'Yes you are. What you and Fergal do behind closed doors is not affecting this. Come if you want, I'd love to have you. But if you feel that seeing him is simply going to cause problems..' Pam got the message, 'I'll be there.' That is all she needed to say. Pam set her phone down and saw it buzz again, and again and again and again.. Goodness.

    It was at this time where Fergal felt his head spinning, this is a direct result of no food, and alcohol poured into your body. He knew better, he just didn't give a fuck anymore. Fergal heard what he thought was knocking on his door and didn't care. "No one's home!" He shouted at the door which now was being beat on every few moments. "Fergal? It's Rami and Lexi. Open up buddy." Fergal heard friendly names, but only thought of what Pam did to him. "Go away.." Fergal rubbed the back of his head, feeling how hot it was and resting his hand there. It was at this moment where the door.. Opened.. What the.. How the.. Fergal didn't look, "Fergal. Hey. Holy shit.. I still have your spare key bud.. Jesus man, have you eaten? You look like you're two minutes from dying. Lex, go see if he has any food." Rami was having to direct this little group. For when she walked in and saw her best guy friend like that.. She covered her mouth with her hand in shock, but when Rami directed her, she went to the kitchen and made something light, a little salad with some delicious parmesan croutons. Rami was trying to console Fergal and rub his back gently, "Hey hey.. It's just us.. Relax yourself.. You're way too tense right now.. Breathe.." Fergal now had company in the form of his two closest friends in the whole world. Pam was struggling to maintain her composure as she looked around her apartment, seeing photos of herself and Fergal all over the place. That light crying she was doing previously? Now drastically turned into a torrential downpour of tears flowing down her soft cheeks. Her front door opened as well, "Pammie? Baby doll? It's Leah. Where are you at? And, wherever you are, can you lock your door next time? Goodness gracious it wasn't even freakin' closed all the way." Leah entered Pam's apartment and found Pam.. Instantly running over to the crying woman and hugged her tightly. "No no no no no oh my god no. C'mere.. Stay here.. It's okay.. Please." Leah wrapped her arms around Pam and held her, feeling her body shiver and shake, her heartbeat was out of control and she wept into Leah's shoulder softly. "I f-fucking broke him.. I did this. I DID!" Pam's words sent shivers up Leah's spine, "No. This is not how this is going to go. This will not end this way. Screw that noise.." Apparently, Leah, Rami and Alexis had a plan to meet up with Fergal and Pam respectively. Kevin, Colby, and even Ashley were all going to go as well, but they got tied up with work public appearances and could not get out of them. They all planned on going separately. Pam was with Leah, safe and sound.. Fergal was silently refusing to eat any food, the salad was actually delicious as fuck looking, Alexis might be god awful at cooking most things, but two things she specializes in.. Baking, and making salads. She had considered opening a restaurant in Columbus Ohio named, 'Lexi's Cookies And Greens', but that fell through, she had no time to pursuit something that seemed so silly to be honest.

    Alexis walked over to Fergal, Rami was seated next to him, his hand softly rubbed his back in soothing little motions. Alexis got down on her knees in front of the hunched over Fergal. She didn't even need to speak, Fergal could literally smell her. Due to his self inflicted malnutrition, Fergal's sense of smell was heightened. He slowly looked up and locked eyes with Alexis. The look he gave her.. She could see the amount of pain he was in, it was embedded deep into his dark brown eyes. Alexis' eyes were shiny, for seeing someone she cared for so much in this much torment broke her heart. She put her little hands on both of his cheeks and whispered, "I'm here.. We're here.. We will never leave you Fergal. Both of us love you.. So much." She slowly wrapped her arms around his neck, Fergal did not move.. And Rami wrapped his arms around Fergal as best as he could, and the Irishman still made no movements. This might have been the kindest gesture he has received in weeks. But his heart still was cold, his emotions were still in shambles. Finally.. After several minutes of this; one of Fergal's arms wrapped gently around Alexis, and the other one wrapped around Rami. No words were spoken, but at this stage in the game... No words were needed.