Turn It Up

The Cold Reality

Leah was nervous to go see Pam, nobody has really seen her although she has been texting and calling her friends for days now. It was only scary because she was extremely volatile right now, and everybody knows that in times like that you need to tread lightly. Approaching someone who can blow up at a moments notice is quite literally like walking through an emotional minefield. You just never know when you're going to take a wrong step. But Leah was prepared. She bought Pam nice roses, and a box of heart chocolates. She sat in her car in Pam's driveway and waited, trying to mentally prepare for this little visit. She knew that after she saw Pam, that Fergal was next in line for a checkup and that was going to be just as hard as this if not harder. Pam was an extrovert with her emotions, at least to Leah. Fergal kept shit locked up inside of his heart and mind until it was far too late. Leah took in a deep breath and exhaled, thinking to herself, 'Okay Leah. It's now or never, bitch.' She turned her car off and got out, grabbing the chocolates and flowers as she left. She walked up to the front door and knocked a few times, she could feel her heart pounding out of her chest. She had no idea the actual current state that Pam was really in. Nobody had SEEN her since that complete failed intervention between her and Fergal. Alexis practically disappeared off the planet, and so did April. They both took responsibility for worsening the problem at hand and they would not feel all that great about literally anything. Leah knocked one more time before she began to hear shuffling in Pam's apartment. The door creaked open and Leah saw a glimpse of Pam, "Surprise babe. Brought you some flowers and chocolate. Thought maybe we could snuggle on the couch and maybe smash." She smiled, trying to joke with Pam was the best course of action, Pam knew why Leah was here. She knew that this was a checkup and she was fine with knowing that Leah cared enough to do this. Pam fully opened her door and Leah looked upon her bestfriend. Pam had on black leggings, a black tank top, and black socks. She really was taking this depression thing very seriously. Leah walked inside and darted to the coffee table, Pam's house was surprisingly clean for someone who hates their life right now. She set the things down and Pam tried to slide by Leah. "Oh no you don't." Leah grabbed her and wrapped her tiny arms around Pam's waist, hugging her tightly. Pam was shocked a little bit by her sudden gesture but didn't reject the attention. She slowly found herself wrapping her arms around Leah and hugging her right back. Leah could feel how slowly Pam's heart was beating and it made her feel so bad.. Pam's heartbeat was exceptionally slow, she didn't get excited even for seeing Leah, having this moment, or anything anymore. It was no shock of course..

    "I just wanted to come see you, babe. I really miss you and it's killing me to not see you more." Leah held Pam tight, rocking her back and forth. This attention was much appreciated by Pam; she definitely needed this right now. Pam hadn't heard from Fergal since that day. And she didn't expect to hear from him again for the foreseeable future. Pam didn't want to feel this way anymore, this gnawing pain and disgusting feeling in her stomach that this was all her fault, she really hated how this all looked like it went right back on her. She was taking full responsibility for this and was not going to be told otherwise. Pam broke the hug, "Let's sit down.. I'm sure there's something you wanna talk to me about." Leah released Pam and shrugged, "I mean yeah we have things to talk about. And maybe we should be sitting for this."  Pam wasn't in the mood per se to talk about anything, but it alas, sometimes you just have to.

    Leah looked over at Pam. Pam looked over to Leah. "Well. I see how this is going with you guys. I see how that no matter what I say, you won't feel better about what happened. Look, I love you Pammie. SO much. But life always moves on. The wheel keeps on spinnin', y'know? Either you keep turning with it, or you'll get thrown off of it. Look at this for instance. Me and Will aren't together anymore. Like at all. Like he was. Well I walked in on him having sex with another girl. We WERE going to be married. But look what happened. Shit just kind of happens and life just keeps tossing knockout blows at you to see which one will be the eventual fight winner. And with you? You and Fergal literally just had a disagreement. You guys had a fight. Fights are fights, dude. Fergal wasn't having sex with Mercedes, as a matter of fact he wasn't even showing interest in her like that. He was her friend until he found out her intentions, or or better yet, her TRUE feelings. I know that's bad. And I know the hole Mercedes left in your heart is huge. But look at the bright side. Fergal did NOTHING with her. And Lexi? Even AJ? I mean babe c'mon. I know you get insecure, you do about me too and honestly I look like a foot compared to you. Lexi and AJ love you to pieces. Like a lot. Even after you tried to kill Lexi. Just believe me when I tell you that life will find a way to be good. You just have to allow it to happen and it'll swoop you up and fly away, back to never never land." The comment about Pam's assault on Alexis made her uncomfortable. She will never be okay with herself after what she did with that chair. But that was ancient history now, the future is indeed now and what was Pam going to make of it? She thought long and hard about Leah's little speech here and she hated how true it was. Pam wanted to plead with Leah, reminding her that Fergal IS her life. That Fergal IS her future. But if she did that, she would be more than likely met with some run of the mill bumper sticker uplifting speech that she just wasn't in the mood for anymore. "When do you plan on going to see Fergal?" Pam asked, the first thing she actually said after all of this. Leah looked over at Pam, grabbing her hand gently and rubbing the top of it with her own. "Well I want to focus on you babe, but I'm going to see him after I leave here. He doesn't know I'm coming either." Pam nodded as Leah spoke, she didn't care about herself, she wanted Fergal to be okay. This was all her fault, all of these problems stemmed from Pam being unable to see the truth even when it was staring her right dead ass in the face. Mercedes was the problem here, she was the one who came onto Fergal who at the time was an engaged man. But now? Mercedes gets her man back, and Pam is left with a broken heart, all thanks to her crazy outburst, and her inability to see what was right in front of her face the whole entire time..

    "How are you feeling, Pam? I've talked so much and I haven't even asked you how you feel yet." Leah was curious and worried about Pam at this moment in time. Pam normally was a smiley type of person, she never wasn't happy but now? That was Pam that the world used to know. This Pam does not smile, she does not laugh, she does not love anything right now. It really was guilt. Guilt that this relationship was basically at its end because of her. She shook her head slowly, "You don't really wanna ask that question, Leah. I promise." Leah moved herself closer to Pam after she spoke, patting Pam on the thigh, "Yes. Yes I really do. Now c'mon, tell me what's up. What's going on inside that pretty little head of yours. I'm aaaallll ears!" Leah smiled and gave Pam some space to work with here, Pam didn't want to do this. She knew it would only end in Leah worrying even more.. But hey. I mean, Leah did ask for the truth now..

    Pam had to think about this for a few minutes. She had to make sure that she didn't cry, for one. She also had to make sure that she didn't lash out on Leah whilst explaining what is going on inside of her head. This was going to be like a tightrope walk for her, carefully treading after each word she spoke. "Well. If you really are dying to know. I actually want to die. No, not a joke. As in I literally do not want to draw breath anymore into my lungs.. I want my heart to stop beating. I want my brain to stop sending signals to my body giving it orders. I want my life to cease. Why? Well. You explained it pretty decently by yourself sweetie. Life is like a wheel, it keeps turning and turning and turning. Well what if I don't want to be on this carousel of garbage anymore? What if all the turning has made me sick? What if all of the turning has made my soul sick, and corrupted it? Well there really is no need to 'what if' this. Because I do feel like I'm sick of life. I fucked up my career by doing that shit to Lexi. It's going to take MONTHS for the company to trust me and that's only after Paul deems me fit to be trusted again. Yes I know, he's practically my wrestling father. But that doesn't mean I deserve SHIT anymore. I don't think I have it in me to intentionally remove myself from life. I don't think I do so relax your little butt. But at the same time? If something were to happen to me I don't think I'd try to stop it. Car crash. Fire. I don't think I care enough anymore to run. I've been running for my entire life, doing nothing but trying to mend the wounds that I assumed were because of life. No. They weren't from life fucking up. It was because of ME fucking up. For heaven's sake, me and Fergal could hardly fool around without me almost messing that up somehow. I don't know if you know this, but he isn't the most sexually caring person. As in, he doesn't care if he has sex or not. It isn't a priority to him and he is cold to his needs.. Even though he does in fact need them. That's probably why he didn't cheat on me with Mercedes, or try to with Lexi or even AJ.." Leah had to stop this insane speech, it was eating her alive to hear this kind of talk. "Whoa whoa. Hold your horses there bucko. Fergal didn't cheat on you, because he freaking loves you. Like with all that makes him a human being.  Yes I said being this time, you laughed at me last time when I said bean." Pam actually cracked a smile at the bean comment Leah made, she remembers that day.. So innocent, so long ago.. "Look all I'm saying love, is that he adores you, I adore you. Lexi, AJ, Rami, Kevin, Rebecca, Ashley, both of them, Savelina even. We all adore you. So goddamn much. Don't make a decision that you can never come back from.. Please.."

    It was becoming obvious how much this was affecting Leah, the pain shot through her body and up to her face, nestling into her eyes. Pam saw this and knew she had to stop talking out loud like that. Due to the fact that her mind was so far in the gutter, she wasn't going to stop thinking those crazy, borderline suicidal thoughts. But she would not speak of them again. "I'm sorry.. Don't cry Leah. I didn't.. Mean to make you cry.." Leah shook her head, "You didn't. I just love you so much that if something were to happen to you and I lose you? G-goodness me.. I wouldn't know what to do with myself.." Pam leaned over and hugged Leah who was borderline in tears. "Shh baby girl.. I'm sorry about Bill. You deserve so much better than that. You will find him.." Pam rubbed her back, Leah could not speak right now.. But it was Pam who insisted on talking more. After she broke the hug, "Thank you for this.. Please go see Fergal.. I appreciate this visit so much.. But I need to know that he's doing okay.." Pam stopped talking, and Leah nodded slowly.