Turn It Up

The Beginning Of The End?

Here Fergal sat on his sofa, his much deserved day off from the hustle and bustle of professional wrestling, and being basically a celebrity. And he was unable to enjoy it as he should. Why? Because Pam has not been around for four days now due to some outside force causing this fight. He grew so fed up with having everything influence her and influence her in an extreme and awful way. It was crystal clear where Pam's allegiance lied, and it did not lie with Fergal.. He was somehow still not number one in her life, he was still not believed as he should, and he was still not loved as much as he thought he was. Well, that is what he thought and believed, what else should he believe? There has been nothing to tell him otherwise, so why shouldn't he think that the whole world is ending around him? When the past seems to almost repeat itself over and over and over again, are you not going to believe what has happened as the absolute truth? I don't know about you, but if something bad kept happening to me, and I was to be made NOT to think it was going to happen again.. I'd be a skeptic. Fergal was empty feeling, like no matter what he did it would be returned back to him with some attitude, or with a fight, or worse. He sat, leaned back against his couch and just reflected on his relationship with Pam.. He remembered the good old days. Hell, he even remembered as far back as the lunch he had with Pam and Leah. Such simpler times, so much more relaxing and fun to him.. Where did he go wrong? At what stage in this relationship did he do such a wrong thing to her that it completely tarnished all that he has fought for. He thought that he was the sole reason why the relationship was falling apart at the seams, never wanting to ever point the finger to Pam or anyone else in his life. He even began to question if this relationship was a good idea in the first place.. Wondering if he had truly only caused more harm than good to poor Pam.. Still, even with these rather terrifying thoughts darting through his head; he felt nothing. No wince in his heart, no tears from his eyes, no nothing. It was just blank, empty even. The kind of deflating feeling you get when you try so hard to do right by the one you love, only to fail in the most absolutely pathetic way just crushes your spirit. Trust me, there is possibly no worse feeling in the whole world than that deflated feeling and those dark thoughts of, 'What did I do wrong..' It would take a normal person months to really get over such thoughts, sometimes it takes longer.. Other times you just NEVER get over it. Fergal right now? He didn't care about anything, the one thing in his life that he held dear to him, was fading.. What more did he have?

He rose to his feet almost as if he was a zombie out of a horror movie.. It would be a lie to say that Fergal even hated this, because in all honesty he did NOT care whatsoever anymore. If Pam wanted to be gone from his life? Fine.. As long as she was happy with what she has done then who was he to her otherwise? Nobody, exactly. It was hard for him to even accept the fact that this was real life, he was alone, alone in life now. Walking to the door, Fergal grabbed a light jacket and then opened his front door. He needed to go somewhere, go anywhere but here. If he was cooked up in this house any longer he had no idea what he was capable of doing to himself. So he left, his destination? Well, he wanted to go to the park and just sit, try to relax a little bit more than he was able to do at home.. Maybe getting out of the house was honestly one of the best things for him, because honestly he didn't expect to hear from Pam, and since she was the only person he wanted to hear from? Who cares anymore..

Pam was.. Denying. Denying that she was the one who caused all of this yet, yet she kind of was a giant part of it. Fergal didn't help her insecurity out by befriending two people who Pam always looked at as 'Better than her', and it didn't help that one of said people tried to actually have sex with him. The thing that finally dawned on her, was that he told her no, he told her that she needed to leave physically and, well, leave his life. And she got mad over that. How Mercedes reacted by hurting herself extremely badly was not the reaction that a sane person would take.. Goodness Pam can still see the massive marks. The nurse had to change her bandages while Pam was there, and needless to say? Those are deliberate gashes into her forearm/wrist and there is no taking that back. The expression on Mercedes' face was something she will never forget, for the nurse had to check and make sure that feeling was not lost in the area so she LIGHTLY poked at her injury.. And just the regret, pain, sorrow and dread that flooded over Mercedes was a sight she never, ever wanted to see again. But Fergal did all of these things for Pam, he did all of it.. And what happened? Someone reacted poorly, and Pam sided against him. Here, sitting on the floor of the gym, it is where she pondered over why she chose anyone over him. She felt so guilty, she felt like her relationship was forever tarnished.. The damage that she inflicted upon them both was going to be.. Irreversible. Pam looked down, in between her legs and saw the floor, it was seconds after did she see little droplets hit the ground. Then some more, followed by even more. This was a weird mixture of sweating and crying. She didn't hysterically cry anymore, she just made quiet little whimpers, and sniffling sounds. The distance was real between them and it was a painful realization that she might be losing her love. The thing about being guilty over something.. Is it takes an awful lot for you to get over it, if you ever do. Pam was feeling guilty over quite a lot of things. She took blame for Colby's self destruction, she took blame for Fergal and Lexi not being friends anymore, she took blame for the current state of her relationship with Fergal as well. Pam got up and walked to the locker room, she just assumed to take a shower in the hotel for the fact that four days ago they had off, and now today they have off. It was so deserving, they literally are on the road upwards of three hundred days a year, relaxing occasionally IS forgivable. But Pam was far away from being capable of relaxing right now, she didn't want a single thing to do with pleasure and that was primarily due to the fact that she didn't think she deserved it.. At all.

She grabbed her gym bag and when she did, her little keychain that was tied tightly around the strap slid to her hand. She stopped in her tracks to lift it with her free hand and remembered that day. The little heart locket with a photo of Fergal and Pam, hugging and making the goofiest face backstage at a show. Pam adored this photo, it captured everything she loved about him. His wit, his humor, his attractiveness, and his general calm approach he took to life. Biting down on the inside of her cheek, Pam looked back up and at the mirror that was right in front of her. It didn't need to be said out loud, nor is it worth mentioning. But hey, getting inside the mind of Pam is something that she needs right now. She couldn't stand the very sight of herself, after just two seconds of looking at herself she moved away from it and exited the gym. Pam didn't know what she should do, she needed to remind Fergal that she cared about him, and she needed to tell him that she was wrong here and that he did what he thought was right.. There was no way of doing this easy, but Pam needed to make a plan..

Fergal sat alone in the park. There was a swing set a little ways behind him where small children were simulating the feeling of being a bird, soaring through the sky. He looked at the whole world that seemingly sped by him at a million miles a second, yet he sat there as it all went right by him. There was no shelter from this, there was no real way to get the darkness out of his head. He didn't think much right now, but when he did it was filled with nothing but bad thoughts, scary thoughts. Well at least to him they were scary. They nestled around the notion that he need not be with Pam anymore. That was a real idea at this point and he was most certainly entertaining said idea. They just fought so damn much, they disagreed on way too many things.. The simple little things that they didn't completely disagree on? Were so insignificant that it wasn't even of note. He watched as birds flew by, landed on the ground and looked at him, almost seeming like they were trying to ask him, 'Hey mister Irish man! Why the long face?' But.. Well, they're birds. They aren't really proficient in the English language.. So speaking to him is sort of out of the question. Unless Fergal has some mysterious power to communicate with wildlife. Which let's be real, we all wish we could at some point or another. Fergal watched as families walked by him, happy, skipping and even some were singing to their children. His heart felt like it wasn't even there anymore, if someone were to search for a pulse. Then he began to feel.. Something. It was not love, it was not passion, it was not anything that you would qualify as 'good'. No, what Fergal felt was on the other side of the spectrum. He began to become bitter. He was bitter at the fact that Pam had no trust in him after all of this time.. Bitter over the fact that it was almost as if she was trying to sabotage his life in ways that he did not realize until it was indeed too late.. Bitter over these happy fucking families who walked by with their wives, husbands, children, dogs. It was all becoming too much and it was happening almost in an instant. He was just becoming bitter at the world for continuing to spin around him. Speaking of insignificant; that's precisely how he felt right now. Not a single emotion that was in his body mattered and he was coming to a realization. He rubbed his beard lightly as he looked around and then ultimately up towards the sky. Four days with no contact from Pam. Is that how she wants to be? Fine. Fergal didn't even fucking care anymore if she was around.

His emotions and thoughts have devolved to a level of primal anger. He didn't care if she talked to him, he certainly didn't care if she wanted to get married anymore. It was at that point where he was so damaged from the bullshit that the things he has suppressed for so long were coming to the light for the first time, and all that did was anger him. Put Fergal was the quiet angry type, he didn't make any movement, he didn't make any facial expression showing signs of extreme anger.. No, what did he do? He sat there. Watched nature, the wind blowing leaves around and the branches from trees lightly bending. He listened as birds chirped and children laughed. Life was passing him by, but now a days? He really didn't care anymore. The fact that Pam was all but telling him that they are over was so upsetting to him that he couldn't process regular life. The only time he was forced to show emotion was when he was performing. If he didn't he would obviously get in trouble. Pam was basically gone in his mind, she had left on her own free will and there was no getting her back. Could he text her or call her? Sure. But why should he at this point, Fergal knew damn well that he didn't do a damn thing wrong, yet here he was. Feeling like he did, and alone.. Alone for the first time really in a few years.. Such a drastic change in mood from a few short weeks ago..