Turn It Up

Pay The Cost

Thank goodness that the last few days were days that the RAW Superstars had off. Fergal had time to go home, he had time to try and clear his head and make some sense of that insanity that had taken over his life. It was incredibly overwhelming to think about and that is primarily why he had to stay quiet and busy. He knew that it was going to be awkward to see Pam at work, and considering how she hadn't talked to him, or made the attempt to talk to him since that fateful night.. It was really going to be hard to see her. He almost didn't want to, if you were to ask him right now how he was feeling? Probably wouldn't even get an answer out of him. It was time for him to get back on the road and get back to work. Wrestlemania was right around the corner now, just one week away from where he was right now. And he was not even excited anymore. Winning the Royal Rumble was something he had dreamed about since he was a little lad back in Ireland. But now? His pride, and happiness was overshadowed by fear, anger, pain, doubt, and despair. That really is all he could see right now, he looked at himself in the rearview mirror of his rental car and did not like what he saw anymore. He knew that this tour for the weekend would be difficult, painful in fact. But he had a hunch that the front office knew what was going on in his personal life, it was typical honestly. He expected the whole world to know what was going on. In the day and age of social media? All it took was one staff member to tweet something out about the public fight involving Fergal, Pam, Mercedes, and Colby and the entire internet would implode. In fact he was counting on that, he was counting on all of them to be put on blast like that and the whole world to know exactly what was going on behind the scenes. He parked his car in the parking lot of the arena and exited the vehicle. He had his black hoodie on and his hood popped right up. He lumbered reluctantly over towards the trunk of the car and grabbed his bag before slamming the trunk back down closed. Depression was something that was unbelievably common here, he never felt hungry, or happy, or.. To be honest.. Fergal didn't feel much of anything anymore. It was almost like after what happened at RAW, his entire body shut down the feeling center of his brain. His heart felt cold inside of his chest, he could swear that there was no heartbeat whatsoever. He also has been isolating himself from friends and family..

Walking into the arena, he avoided his coworkers, just walking towards the board that showed what he would be doing on that night. It was a long walk from the back entrance of the building, and he was sure that people spotted him, but were fearful of engaging him directly. He just wasn't the same without Pam, he didn't look the same, he didn't act the same. It was almost as if Fergal was an entirely different human being without her in his life. He was still so upset, the wound was still fresh, gushing out life energy, if you will. He didn't know where anybody was at, not any of his friends, he had received many text messages from people like Rami, Rebecca, Lexi, Mercedes, Joe, Kevin, Mattias.. All of his old crew tried to reach out to him. Even people like Allen (AJ Styles) attempted to reach his buddy. But before even opening the thread? Fergal swiped, and deleted it. He finally arrived at the board and saw he was main eventing against Brock Lesnar. Normally he would be jacked up to compete against the Beast. But now? He was more or less looking at this like he was walking head first into a slaughter. Perhaps that is what he needed, the emotional pain he felt need only to mirror the physical pain he actually wanted to feel.. After seeing this, he walked down the hall again, getting to the locker room area, finding his quickly.

Pam was having no greater time during their little stint off. She was home taking full blame why the love of her life was not in her presence right now. She sat around, day after day of doing nothing but going to the gym, making food, and thinking. Pam didn't avoid her friends however, when she was reached out to by Ashley Fliehr (Charlotte) and Rebecca she welcomed the comfort. They all three discussed why Pam did do a bad thing, why entertaining Colby even for a split second was a disastrous idea with even more catastrophic consequences. She confirmed everything they had heard, but she pleaded with them to believe her about the fact that she did ANYTHING with Colby. Which we all know, she did not. There was an.. Attempt by Colby to actually make a move on the emotional Pam, and the ironic part about the entire situation is that Fergal and Pam both shared fears of being cheated on, Pam's was greater than Fergal's, but Fergal's was seconds away from being just a fear, to actuality. Pam was helpless to her thoughts and imagination, she was fearful that Fergal was pushed right into Mercedes' arms.. That is where her head is at, not knowing exactly how to feel about anything. Of course Fergal did not do this, he actually ignored her along with everyone else. But Pam could not know that, her mind was in shambles, her emotions were destroyed and without Fergal to make her feel less guilty? She took full responsibility for this. Pam considered self harming, she considered the release it could potentially give her and she considered the fact that maybe, just maybe.. That is all she has left. Direct self harm; such as directly injuring her body via razor blade or another sharp object, or indirect self harm; such as drinking alcohol to the point of her body rejecting anything else. She had slid down a dark corridor in her mind, one that she had only ever been down once before. But back then, Pam had been made to feel this way by another. This time.. It was her own doing that caused this downward spiral into depression city. She only did not do this to herself, the self harm, because she has to work, she is kind of needed at work. There is nothing that she can do that won't directly affect her career. Her career was more important, in her mind, than her own life was at this very moment. She too had to go to work the same night Fergal did, I mean as fate has it they are on the same show of course. Pam was two seconds away from not going at all, she was going to call and say that they would have to fill her spot due to her not feeling well. But then again, she could not do something like that.

The drive over triggered her dozens of times.. Remembering times that her and Fergal had incredible car rides, just having fun with one another, the subtle sexual gestures, the cute voices and silly faces. She missed him so goddamn much it was becoming physically painful. Pam softly wept the entire way to the arena. Luckily, if she did this here, she thought that there was no way she could cry more at the show itself. And also lucky for her, the makeup crew there would know exactly how to mask her pained face, the redness and puffy nature that her eyes were becoming would be a task to conceal, but it would be possible. Walking into the arena with her bag; Pam, unlike Fergal was not trying to hide. She was open to the world and even waved at some coworkers as she made her way to the board for the show's schedule. Unbeknownst to her, she just had missed Fergal by about five minutes. She looked at the board and saw she was scheduled to have a segment involving one of her closest friends of all time. April was scheduled to be there, surprise the fans at this Live Event, and get into a verbal battle with the Champ. Needless to say, Pam was excited, sad, nervous, and.. Now? Felt like she was going to throw up.

Fergal sat on the bench in his locker room, at work his brain didn't function. He thought about nothing else, at least right now, except the task at hand. For if he took the moment to consider the pain that enveloped his body? He would crack under the immense pressure it held. Perhaps space from Pam was really not a good idea. Perhaps this idea was just not working out for the best. In his head he thought it would help, isolating himself from the world to gather himself, pick up his pieces per say.. And honestly he was not doing any better than he was when he opened that locker room door with Mercedes. He never once considered how he was hurting his friends by ignoring them, he never once thought about how Mercedes, who was there with him to see that, had no idea how he was really doing. Pam wanted to find him, her goal was to get to his locker room and force him to listen to her. She felt her relationship slip into nothingness, dying a slow, painful, grotesque death. This was not going to happen on her watch. She saw Mercedes whom almost seemed startled by the once notorious hugger, "Have you seen Fergal, 'Cedes?" Mercedes did not text Pam more than three times all week, she was honestly a little fearful of Pam's rage from that night that it was taking a bit to heal the wound. "Yea, I just saw him walk to his locker room. But Pam please, don't try and force him. You'll know what I mean if you see him." Pam nodded, "Thank you. I'll remember that.. Oh by the way, I don't hate you. I'm not even mad at you.. Okay?" The little exchange was both painful and necessary, Mercedes nodded at the last remark, acknowledging what she had said and with that? Pam peeled off to find his locker room. The rest of their lives have not even begun yet and she had fears that it never would if this doesn't get sorted out. Fergal was not going to reach out to her, I mean why should he to be honest? She was the one who was on blast right now. And it was HER job to rectify what she was seen doing. Yes, nothing happened, but Fergal not only didn't know that, but he was lost without explanation.

Pam found his locker room labeled with his name right slap on the middle of it. He was inside of there.. Her fragile, slowly breaking lover was inside this room. Was Pam ready for this? Was she ready to face the damage she has inflicted? Even though, it wasn't entirely her fault; Pam still took the blame for Fergal's pain. She felt fully responsible for all of this.. Just letting Colby get that intimate with her was.. A HUGE mistake. She didn't know if Fergal and Colby would ever be cool again, especially fresh off the unknown that was Colby having an affair with Saraya. Fergal was never the one to jump to conclusions, but after the incident with Saraya and Mercedes in which Saraya basically came back to defend herself to ONLY Mercedes? It was hard to dispute the fact that there was truth in her claim. She knocked on the door and heard nothing. Pam heard absolutely nothing. She thought that he was in there, was he not? Was Fergal just being quiet or was he out and about. No, she knows him better than that, he IS in there.. She knocked again, this time a little harder, "Fergal.. It's.. It's Pam.. Please open the door I want to talk to you. You deserve to know what really happened from me. Not your imagination.. Not that. Please give me a chance.." Pam was pleading with a steel door.. It felt hopeless, like there was no end in sight to her pain. There was no shining light right now, for that had been lost in the fog that was her stupidity, and her mistake. Pam hung her head low and turned around, leaning her back against the cold door.. Maybe he wasn't in there.. Maybe she didn't know him like she thought she did. It was at this moment, right after that thought.. The door swung open and Pam fell backwards, she thought the hard ground was going to be all that caught her, but instead she fell right into the warm arms of somebody.. Her eyes were closed, preparing for the fall but when she was caught.. She looked up and opened them. "The door opens in.. Not out, Pam.." There was the voice of her one love. Her angel..