Mother Earth // Bellamy Blake

Giving Up • 82

Three Months After Praimfaya

Getting black out drunk with Murphy became a daily routine for the past month. It started off as fun and jokes, but it quickly turned somber. Instead of making light of situations, we sat in silence and drank until the canister was empty.

Bellamy tried to get Monty to stop making moonshine, but I somehow convinced him not to listen to Bellamy. It was super manipulative of me and if I was in the right mind I would never do that, but I started to care less and less. Bellamy had to drag me out of Murphy's room everyday, I was always either passed out or couldn't walk straight.

When Bellamy left to train, I made my way over to Murphy's room with alcohol in hand. I usually didn't run into anyone when I went over there, but this time Raven was walking through the halls. Once we got close to each other she stopped me from walking past her by putting her hand on my chest.

"You two need to get your shit together," she was also irritated with our shenanigans. I didn't give her a reply, I just stared at Raven and continued past her. Once I got into the room, I saw Murphy laying on top of the bed.

"You started without me," I said as I saw another container of moonshine beside him.

"You took too long," he replied as he sat up. Then we continued to do what we have been doing.

Murphy ended up passing out after we finished another full thermos. I decided to leave the room and fumbled my way over to another part of the station. I halted at a window that faced Earth and looked out. Although so many horrible things happened on the ground, I was meant to be there. Not stuck in a metal box in space. The whole planet looked charred, making me tear up. I don't think I'll be able to handle living in space for years.

I ripped my eyes away from the view and continued down the hallway. The thought of leaving Bear and Clarke out there to suffer the wrath of the radiation made me want to curl up into a ball. I found myself stopping at an airlock. I stared at the door that was an entrance to the stars. I was supposed to die like this years ago.

I wondered how it would feel to die by being floated. It was probably peaceful and instant. There was no violence or suffering in that kind of death. It was tempting to me. I didn't have to feel like this anymore if I just got in there and pushed a few buttons. The problem was that I had no idea how to work the doors to it. So I just looked at it and thought to myself. Thought about how good it would be to see my dad, my mom, Bear, Jasper, Clarke and every single person who was burned alive from the radiation. I thought I understood why Jasper wanted to leave this reality, but the thoughts in my mind right now made me realize I didn't. Now I knew the battle Jasper fought in his head every second of everyday.

"Kota?" Bellamy's voice came up from behind me. "I've been looking for you. Why are you over here?"

I felt tears falling from my eyes, I never turned to look at him when I responded. "I don't think I can deal with this."

I felt my voice shake as I admitted this to him. He knew what I was thinking, he always did.

"Look at me," he pleaded. I hesitated to listen because I knew I would regret everything I just thought about by looking at him. "Kota, please."

I gave in and turned to face him, I felt the regret I knew I would. I also felt anger flare up within me, it was anger directed at myself. I despised myself for letting such dark feelings take control of me.

"Leave me alone Bellamy," my voice was soft but it held fire.

"You don't get to tell me to do that," he refuted and stepped closer to me.

I scoffed and began arguing, "I don't need your help! Why don't you get that? I can figure this out myself."

His face looked hurt for a split second before he came and threw me over his shoulder. I hated when he did this because I could never break free from it. I thrashed my body against his grasp and screamed for him to put me down. Everything in my view got blurry from my tears.

I saw that we entered our room and he shut and locked the door after he set me down. I watched him closely as he turned back around to look at me. His eyes were red and tears streamed down his cheeks. I hated myself for making the person I love most feel like this.

"It has to stop Kota," Bellamy's voice was forgiving, but desperate.

I hesitated before answering. I didn't want my voice to break as I spoke, but it did anyways. "I don't know how to not feel like this anymore."

This was the most open I've been with him since we ended up here. My words only made more tears fall from his pretty eyes.

"You have to let me help," Bellamy stated. "You are strong. You can get through this, but you can't keep trying to push me away because it won't work."

I couldn't control my crying anymore, I lost it. Bellamy instantly pulled me into him. I sobbed into his chest as he cradled my head. I could feel him shed tears with me. He was right about everything he just said. We've trudged through hell together, we could get through this too but recovery was a long road.