Inferno

~10~ Not Liam

Taylor's POV

I messed up. I know I did. Ellie hasn't talked to me all night. Luke hasn't looked at me. I destroyed Liam's arm. Poor Emma. I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking...this kid just makes me so mad.

Sasha comes home a few hours after we do. Ellie is in the kitchen, and I'm sitting out in our sunroom.

"Hey girly. I'm so proud of you!" I can hear Ellie say.

"Thanks. I'm exhausted. I'm just going to take a shower and go to bed" she says as she leaves the room.

I've had enough of the silent treatment. It's almost 9, and my wife has been mad at me for over 24 hours. That's officially our record.

I go up to her and I pull her close to me. She immediately pulls away.

"Please stop. I can't stand you being mad at me" I say, getting even more upset.

"Tough" she says, going back to the bills she's working on.

"I don't even know what to say to him, Ellie." I admit. I've been trying to go up there for three hours.

"Figure it out, Taylor." She says, not feeling bad for me at all.

I sigh and leave, making my way up the stairs. I have no idea what to even do.

I knock on his door, and wait.

"Come in, Em" he says.

I open the door and peek in. "It's not Em" I say quietly. He just stares at me for a second, before he looks down at his homework again.

"Can I come in, Luke?" I ask.

"It's your house" he says quietly.

I sigh. I have said that to him a million times. "This is my house" I'm such an ass.

I go in and sit on his bed. "Can we talk?"

He doesn't say anything, but he does put his pencil down. Baby steps, I guess.

"Did I bruise you?" I ask, afraid to know the answer.

He shakes his head. "No. I'm fine" he says, still not looking at me.

"You're not fine" I say gently.

He still doesn't look at me, but he actually looks like he could cry. This kid never cries.

"Your mom has informed me that I'm the parent and I have to fix this. I've got news for you, kid. I don't know how to. I'm sorry for how I handled that yesterday. I was wrong. But that isn't going to make a difference to you, is it?" I ask sadly.

He just shakes his head.

"So how do we fix this? And I say we. You have been awful to me for, well, this last year has been really bad. I'm not sure why" I say. I could seriously start crying right now.

He still says nothing.

"You see, this is what I'm talking about. I talk, you say nothing. All of the time. I'm tired, Lucas. I don't know what else to do. Liam and I never had this issue." I say, getting frustrated.

"That's the problem, isn't it dad?" He asks, his voice sounds sad.

"What's the problem?" I ask.

"I'm sorry I'm not Liam" he says, still not looking at me.

"I've never asked you to be Liam. What is going on?" I ask. I'm so beyond confused

"Liam is the son you wished was yours. I'm the son you got. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment." He says, putting his thumb under his chin and resting his elbow on his desk, trying his hardest not to cry.

I suddenly understand. All of these years, all of his pain. Have I unintentionally put Liam on a pedestal? Shit.

I reach over and grab his arm, and pull him to standing. Then I push him gently on the bed so he's sitting next to me. I grab him by the shoulders, and wait until he finally looks at me.

"Have I made you feel like I love Liam more than you?" I ask him seriously.

He says nothing as he looks at the ground. Tears fall silently down his cheeks as he nods once. It was in that moment that my heart shattered into a million pieces. I silently bring him to me, and hold him tight. I hold him like that until I get myself back together. Once my tears quit falling I hold him away from me so I can look at him again.

"Look at me" I say gently. It takes him a minute, but he finally does.

"There has never been one second of one day where I have loved your brother more than you. You will never know how sorry I am that I made you feel like that" I say, gauging his reaction. I actually feel him relax a little.

"When I met Liam, he was your age. He already had a dad. I didn't need to be his dad, I only needed to be his friend. I got to do all the fun stuff. Sure, I disciplined him sometimes, but most of the time we just did fun stuff together. For some reason, I just assumed that's how it would be with you. I failed to realize that I actually had to parent you. I've been waiting for the fun stuff, but you never seem like you're interested. But I am. I'm just waiting on you to let me do it with you." I say, staring hard at him.

"I'm sorry kid. I am so, so sorry. Please let me in your life" I say, letting my tears fall again.

To my amazement, Luke nods and actually hugs me. This is the first time in over a year that he has hugged me first.

"I've missed you kid" I say, kissing his cheek.

"I've missed you too" he says, hugging me tighter.

I stay in his room for a while longer, and we just talk
about stupid stuff. I figure we have to talk about the stupid stuff before we can get to the big stuff.

"Have you talked to Sasha yet?" I ask after a while.

"No. I'm too scared to. She's like mom when she gets mad. She's crazy" he says, shaking his head.

I chuckle. "Don't I know it. Mom is still mad at me" I say sadly.

"Unless she specifically asks you, why don't you not tell her. Let's just put this behind us" I say, squeezing his shoulder. He just nods his head, looking relieved.

As I get up to leave, he stops me.

"Dad?"

"Yeah"

"When you get back from shift, will you help me with Geometry?" He asks shyly.

"I'd love too, kid." I say, with a smile. Maybe he isn't lost after all.

I go down the stairs and find Ellie. Maybe I can get it so everyone forgives me before bedtime.

She's sitting on the couch. I sit next to her, and thankfully she doesn't flinch away.

"I listened outside of his door" she admits, without looking at me.

I just nod. At least I don't have to retell the whole thing.

"I'm still mad at you" she goes on

I just silently nod again as I pull her into me. She lets me. I hold her close and kiss her forehead.

"This will never happen again" I say quietly.

"You're right, it won't" she says darkly.

I am still, not forgiven.