Choni One Shots pt: 2

366: The One With The Silence

CHERYL POV:

"You ok?" I ask Toni who's sitting up in bed. "It's too loud." She whispers. "What is?" I ask concerned. "The silence." She tells me. This is the first time we've spent the night together so I don't really know what's going on. She sighs. "Do you have a fan or something?" She ask quietly. I nod. "Yeah." I nod. "You hot or something?" I ask getting up and grabbing one. "No! I can't sleep without background noise." She tells me. I look at her and nod. "I'm sorry." She says quietly. "No! I get it, Jason was the same way." I tell her as I plug in the small fan. "That's why I have this!" I say smiling. "Really?" She ask quietly. I nod. "I also have that problem, I usually play soft music. I didn't want to say anything because I thought it would annoy you or something. And it's not that bad for me so I figured it would be fine." I tell her. "But clearly it bothers you." I say quietly. "When it's quiet I hear these- these crashing noises. Or it's like a freight train going by. It's not even like it's happening outside or in my head! It's like it's in my ear!" She explains. You can tell she's frustrated with it and that it feels nice to say something for once. "No one believes me when I tell them this." She says quietly. "I believe you." I tell her. She looks at me. "Really?" I nod. "I don't experience it like that but yeah! I know what it's like. At least a little." I explain. She smiles. "Thank you." She whispers.

TONI POV:

I walk into the kitchen and see my mom who's washing some dishes. "Hey mom. I let myself in, you knew I was coming over so I wasn't to worried about freaking you out." I tell her. "It's ok!" She smiles. "Do you need help?" I ask her. "Ah! Can you unload the dishwasher for me" I nod and go over to it. I open it, start taking some stuff out and put them away. "So I was talking to Anne yesterday. She said that her son saw you and your friend Cheryl yesterday." I stand up straight and wait for her to start yelling at me. I don't hear her say anything so I turn around slowly. "She said you guys seemed very close." She says quietly. "Like more than best friends." She tells me. There's a long silence between us. "Are you gay?" My mom ask quietly. I look at her. She looks at me. I hold back tears. "I'm sorry." I whisper trying not to cry. I put my head down and hold my head in my hand. "I'm not mad." I look at her. "Are you?" She ask quietly. I nod and start crying a little. "Why didn't you tell me?" She ask concerned. "You and dad said stuff in the past that made me think you didn't want me to be." I tell her. "That was all your dad! There's a reason I'm not with him. I didn't want to be around someone who wouldn't love his kids no matter what." She tells me. "You don't hate me?" I ask her. She shakes her head and walks closer to me. "I love you." She whispers. "You're my daughter. There's nothing that you could do that would change either of those things." She tells me. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you." I whisper. "Are you and Cheryl together?" She ask quietly. "Yeah! I just came from her house, I stayed the night." She looks at me. "How was it?" She ask quietly. "Good. Found out we both have the same problem with silence and sleeping." I tell her. "The only thing is she hears a ringing, I hear a freight train!" I explain. "That's still happening?" I nod. "I'm sorry." She whispers. I look at her. "You like her?" I nod. "Can I meet her?" She ask quietly. "Um... maybe." I whisper. "She gets really awkward in these situations so, it's not her being rude I promise."

I sit up in bed. "Ah!" I gasp for air. I get out of bed. I stumble to the kitchen, it's dark and I can't see anything. I turn on the light and try not to go blind. "Fuck!" I whisper. I grab a glass and get some water. I hear a thud and then a meow. "Loki?" I ask. Yes I named my cat Loki, it started a joke since he's a black cat but I don't remember the name I originally gave him. Loki pops his head out from behind the counter and comes around over to me. "Hey bud." I smile. "Do you remember what your name actually is?" I ask him. He just meows at me. "What do you know, you're just a cat." I say quietly. He rubs his head against my leg.

I look at Cheryl as we eat. "You ok?" She ask quietly. "Yeah! I didn't get much sleep last night, that's all." I say quietly. "What happened?" She ask concerned. "Nothing I just have anxiety and sometimes it causes me not to sleep well." I tell her. "It comes in waves." I add. She looks at me. "How aren't you exhausted all the time?" She ask quietly. "Coffee." She nods. "Do you take anything for it?" She ask quietly. "No, I'm in therapy though. I don't want to medicate because it's a short term solution for a long term problem. I don't care if someone else is on medication! It probably helps them but I was on medication for a while and if I forgot to take it I would have anxiety attacks so therapy is a better option for me." I explain. She looks down under the table. "I forget you have a cat." She says quietly. "Oh yeah! He likes you." I look at her. "I don't hate cats." I smile. "He was Sweet Pea's but his now wife is allergic to cats and he couldn't take him when they moved in together." I explain. "I accidentally renamed him, I think his name was Milo but I call him Loki." I tell her. "Who names their cat Milo?" She ask picking Loki up and petting him. "Sweet Pea." We both say. "His kids names are gonna be Kyle and Jessica because he sucks at naming anything!" She smiles. "He's so sweet." I smile. "He scares the shit out of me sometimes. He pops out of nowhere. I'll be looking for him so he can eat and he'll be really quiet and I go to my desk and he's just sitting next to my computer staring at me like I'm the crazy one." I tell her. I stand up. "Do you want anything to drink?" I ask her. "What do you have?" She ask quietly. "Water, cheep wine, orange juice and some flat Pepsi." I tell her. "I just tried to offer you alcohol. I'm so sorry." I say embarrassed. "It's ok. I'll just have some water." I nod. I go get us both water and come back. "You know you can drink in front of me." Cheryl says quietly. "I hate doing that to people." I tell her honestly. She looks at me. "I can dump it out if you want." I tell her. I look at her. "I don't drink you don't have to worry about it." She tells me. "I don't like it and I can't really give it to anyone." I add. "You can make that decision for yourself." She tells me. I know this is a horrible thing to do but I'm kinda curious to see what's gonna happen. "I'll dump it. I don't like it and I don't want you to worry about it being here." I say quietly. I go to the fridge and grab the wine. I start to pour it and I watch Cheryl's face, all I can see in her eyes in fear. I stop. "I'll do it later." I say quietly. I sit back down. "You did that on purpose." She whispers. "I didn't." I lie. "I can see right through you." She says pissed. "I'm sorry." I tell her. "No you're not!" I look at her. "I'm sorry." I tell her. "I have been sober for 2 years and you just dangle this in front of me? Really?" She ask pissed. I look down. "I didn't mean to do it." I tell her. "I don't think I can do this." I tell her. "You snapping like that is concerning." I add. "You pouring out an entire bottle of wine in front of a recovering alcoholic is concerning!" She yells. I take a deep breath. "And that's why I'm saying we shouldn't be together." I say quietly. "I'm sorry. We shouldn't be doing this if neither of us can do this maturely." I tell her. "Fuck you!" She yells. I look down. "I can't do this!" I say pissed. She walks over to the kitchen where I am. "I'm sorry." I tell her. She immediately pulls me into a kiss. Oh! God! We're going to be that relationship. I pull away. "You need to leave." I whisper. "I'm not doing the whole fighting and sex relationship." I tell her. "You never cared about me!" She tells me. "I do, but I can't do this. You're making no sense." I tell her. "Neither are you." I nod. "Ok." I whisper. "You suck at arguments." She tells me. "I'm not my parents." I say before walking away.

I sit down on the couch next to my mom. "You and Cheryl broke up?" I nod. "I can't date a recovering alcoholic." I whisper. "I knew that going into the date tonight." I add. She nods. "Dad called asking for money and I can't do that again with Cheryl." I tell her. "You're an adult, you're allowed to make your own decisions. Do you think you did the right thing?" I shake my head. "No, I could have done it better." I tell her. "But I couldn't be with her. I love her and I can't love her if I feel like I am dating someone who could relapse after a petty fight!" I explain. "I just wish I handled it better." I whisper. "There's a lot of things people would do differently it's a part of life." Mom says quietly. "Anything else you wanted to talk about?" She ask quietly. "The panic attacks are back." I tell her. "I can't sleep anymore." I whisper. "I haven't slept in 3 days." I add. "Any part of it because of the break up?" I nod. "Probably." I whisper. She nods. "Can I recommend something to you?" She ask quietly. I nod. "You know the usual stuff, like don't go on your phone or drink caffeine before bed. What time do you usually eat dinner?" She ask quietly. "6, 6:30." I tell her. "Do you eat after that?" I shake my head. "Not really. I have no appetite after 8." I tell her. "Do you take naps?" I shake my head. "No. I really can't sleep after one." I say quietly. "You don't have a bath tub do you?" She ask quietly. "I do." I say quietly. "Warm baths help. Take a 90 minute bath those help." She tells me. "I hate baths they make me sick. I don't want to be sitting in my own filth." I say quietly. "Ok. Do you exercise?" She asks. I nod. "Every day, I get up at 7 and go for a run until 8." I tell her. "Is your room clean?" I nod. "Yes mom!" I say annoyed. "Toni! I'm trying to figure out things that might be keeping you awake at night!" I nod. "Are you eating healthy?" I nod. "I try to." I tell her. "Maybe you just need medication talk to your actual therapist." She tells me. "You can't proscribe anything?" I ask her. "No! You are my child not my client." I nod. "Which also means I can say what I'm thinking instead of what I legally have to say." She says smiling. I know she's not trying to be rude. I know she's kinda joking. "How do you sleep at night?" I ask her. "What do you mean?" She ask quietly. "You hear so many problems. How do you live with yourself?" I ask her. "I have a therapist and without breaking Confidentiality, I talk to other therapist about how to handle situations." She tells me. "Am I the only person you accidentally "therapy" when you have a conversation?" I ask her. "No, that's on the list of reasons your father and I are no longer together!" She explains. I nod. I look at her. "Make an appointment to talk to your therapist." She says quietly. "Can you do it?" I ask her. "Toni you are 28. You can do it yourself." She says quietly. I nod. "I'll call her when I get home." I whisper.