Aroace thoughts/rants

Love, Valadation, and Friendship

Sometimes I feel like a part of me only wants some kind of romantic partner because a part of me thinks the only way I'll feel loved entirely or completely is with romance because with friendship it'll always come second to romance so it's like in order to feel that great amount of love it needs to be romance so I feel loved and validated and like it'll be real, but the thought of having a romantic partner doesn't feel right to me. It doesn't feel like it could be real and like I want it to be real.

And what I really want is a best friend for the rest of time, and I kinda have that know but I feel like we aren't as close as other friends are and stuff and I shouldn't compare but I see best friends in tv shows or in real life and I feel like I don't even have that sometimes.

And then I feel bad for thinking that because I have a few friends but we never hang out, most of them don't even go to my school and I feel like we never talk.

And I crave a deep platonic relationship so bad but I feel like I'll never have that and I'll never have a romantic relationship either because I'll never be able to make the other person happy because I won't be comfortable doing you know what or making out, or even kissing on the lips. I mean I want to cuddle and hold hands and do that kinda stuff but it'll always be platonic and to me that means the world but to others it means nothing.

And I guess the solution is make an aroace or aro or ace friend who gets it and feels the same so I don't have to worry about disappointing them but how would I even make a friend like that becuase I'm so bad at socializing and talking to people and I feel like I'm a bad friend sometimes too like me and my friends could be closer if I did things differently but im so socially awkward that I don't even know how to act around my own friends.

I guess im afraid I'll never feel any real kind of love and the most times I do feel real kind of love is online friends who I may never get to meet in person. And there's random moments when I feel like me and my in real life best friends are close and real best friends but then only a few days later it's like we never talk and I don't know what to do.