Aroace thoughts/rants

Brain dump

I say I want a close relationship/friendship, yet whenever I'm with the people I consider my closest friends I'm not comfortable like one should be with their closest friends.

And it's not because of anything they do or don't do it's all because of me. It's like I have social anxiety but instead of being more comfortable around my friends I'm less comfortable because I have everything to lose if I do or say something stupid.

With standers sure talking to them is scaring. Judgment is still scary. But in the end judgment fro strangers can't hurt me for more than a day or two at most. Judgement from my friends....

I mean I still think about things between me and my friends from elementary school. I'm a senior in high school and I still look back on elementary school like "do they hate me for that?" "Was that a dumb thing to say?" "Was I being dumb and weird?"

I say I want a close friendship but the ones i have don't feel like we really are that close because we never have time to hang out and when we do the whole time we spend together I'm overthinking everything I say and do so I don't mess it up.

I say I want nothing more but a close friendship we're we scream songs in the living room together or watch movies and shows and I'm not thinking about if I should talk during the movie or not because someone people like too and some people think it's rude and I just can't enjoy the movie because I'm too worried about doing the right thing.

I can't have a close friendship because my brain won't let me. There's always something I'm doing wrong and my brown is always pointing it out and giving me reasons as to why my friends actually hate even though I know they don't because if they did they would stop talking to me bc I don't see any of them at school so it would be pretty easy to just ghost me if they didn't like me.

I don't know. It's a mess right now. I want a close relationship and I feel bad for saying I don't have one with my friends bc I do really love them and care about them but whenever we hang out I never enjoy it as much as I should.

And then there's the whole thing where I say I love my friends and my brain tries to tell me I don't and I'm just selfish and I just want to be loved by them but I don't actually love them back. Yeah I don't know my brain is kinda rude

Sorry for dumping this all out kinda of a dumb little rant it's just one of those days I guess

Anyways, thanks for reading the trash that's cluttering my brain today lol I hope you all have a good day tho and take care of yourselves 💚💜🫶🏻