Aroace thoughts/rants

I still can't swim

I'm obsessed with this analogy and can't drip this about the reality of it. So here's another poem about it.

I still can't swim.
I'm not a fish
Or even a death that can float along the top
I'm a rock
I sink right down to the bottom
Sinking, sinking, sinking,
The drowning never stops

I was a fool to try and learn
Try and turn myself around, try and change who I am
What I am
Inside and out.
I tried to be a fish.
A wish I need to let go of
Yet I still cling on tight
As if a silly wish could make it right

I say I'm a happy rock
"Who needs to swim?"
But the whole world is ocean
If I don't learn to swim, how will I survive?
I strive to be a happy rock
Happy with sinking to the bottom with other rocks
But deep down
Deeper than the depths of the oceans
I'm not okay with being a rock.
Yet I don't wanna be a fish either.
But I wanna feel how the fish feel when the glide in the water
But I'm just a rock.
A dense rock
Doomed to sink and never swim.

Yeah I'm struggling with fictional romance again. (I don't think I ever stopped) like why is it the standard why does everyone need a love interest and the thing is fictional romance is everywhere and it's what people like so I should just get over it right because like it should even be a big deal but it's just like. So stupid to me and I don't know why.

Like I don't wanna be a hater and I wanna get the appeal and I try and tell myself they see fictional romance how I see platonic friendships and stuff but like it helps me in theory but then I actually try and go read something and as soon as there's  romance I'm rolling my eyes, getting annoyed, finding it gross depending on what it is, or like just not understanding it.

Part of me really really wants to be a "fish" because it's so frustrating to be upset and/or bothered by something like this. But also part of me is like "fck no just because it's popular doesn't mean I have to like it fck trends/pop culture"

So like literally my whole personality is working against me here because I'm aroace sex and romance negative/repulsed and I tend to dislike things in pop culture/high trendy things because it gets annoying seeing them everywhere and how everyone suddenly likes it and it's like well I don't so go away.

And part of me doesn't even wanna say that I don't wanna be annoyed by it and maybe it's because I like complaining or maybe it's the petty thing where I don't like things in pop culture just because they're everywhere. I don't know. But part of me wishes I understood what allos and  romance positive aros see in romance and the other part of me is mad at myself for wanting that.

I don't think I was like this before  one, finding out I'm aroace, and two joining the Jatp fandom. Because joining the Jatp fandom kinda made me realize it was everywhere I think.  And realizing I'm aro made me realize I didn't like it and I was only okay with it before bc I thought it was like a rule and also I didn't realize how it was everywhere.

So now like I see it everywhere and I know I don't like it and I know I'm aro and I know it's okay to not like it so I am like alright yeah I hate this but then like I can't enjoy things the same way now bc instead of ignoring the romance like I use to I immediately see it and my brain immediately knows everyone else will see that relationship as more important that the others in the show. (Which isn't like 100% the case all the times I think some fandoms appreciate found family and platonic love but I still don't think it gets as much appreciation and attention compared to romantic ships)

So yeah. That's my rant.

I'm just a rock sinking in an ocean who sometimes wants to swim sometimes wants to sink and domes just wants to float. I'm a confused rock.

Thanks for listening, I'm wishing you all the very best. I hope you have a fantastic day/night, and as always, take care 💚💜