Aroace thoughts/rants

I can't swim

Bare with me. This will feel random at first but I'll explain later.

I like oceans.
I like looking at them from afar.
I like looking at them up close.
But I've never even thought to dip my toes in.

I just like to look at them.
The beautiful waves.
I like when the sun set reflects in the waters
Showing off all the pretty colors
But I've never dared gone in.

I like to look at oceans
I like to think about oceans
And when I saw this ocean,
something deep inside me told me I had to jump
So I did

For the first time, I was in the ocean
I jumped right in
Heading straight for the deep end
And that's when I realized...
I can't swim.

I started drowning.
Not only can I not swim,
But I'm terrified of the things in the ocean when they're up so close
The jelly fish I once found beautiful now sting me
And I hate them.
I fear them.
I shake a shutter and try to swim away
But I can't. I'm stuck.
Because as much as I hate jellyfish I love the starfish and the dolphins and the coral.

I love oceans.
But I can't swim.

I'm drowning in an ocean
And I can't swim out.
everyone around me are fish
Born to swim.
And to be one of them is only a fading wish

This isn't about oceans,
Or swimming.
It's not about fish
or a wish I don't want to be granted
It's about life,
And emotions I can't understand

Sooooo. A while ago I came up with an analogy to describe why me and fandoms don't work.

Fandoms are like oceans. And "I can't swim" really means I can't feel attached to romance. The jelly fish I once found beautiful before going in, now scare me. I hate "jelly fish" when I'm in the same water as them. Because then they can sting me. The jelly fish represent romantic ships. Things I didn't mind before joining a fandom.

So really. This isn't about oceans or jelly fish. It's about how I don't really fit into fandoms, because I can't connect with a major part of it. "I can't swim"

Everyone else around me are fish, born to swim. Everyone else loves romance. They can connect with it, I can't.  A wish that's fading.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't romance negative. I wish I could connect to it and feel the same way about it that others do. But really I just want that bc I think it'll help the pain hating something about a show I love go away. But if I loved romantic love so much, I probably wouldn't give the much needed attention to platonic love.

I honestly was really impressed with myself at first when I came up with this because I feel like it describes my experience in the Jatp fandom and then discovering I'm aro (I think I already knew I was ace when I joined the fandom. Idk. But it was super easy for me to accept I'm ace. I still have on and off trouble that I'm aro. It's harder)

Anyways. I can't stop thinking about this analogy lately because it after I thought of it, things started making more sense. I could fine explain it in words why I don't like being in fandoms and why Jatp fandom ruined the show for me. Because I don't wanna blame the fandom for it, they were just being fans. It's not their fault I can't swim and it's not my fault I'm not a fish and they are.

Now, just because I understand it now doesn't mean I accept it. That's a whole other thing. I'm getting there.

Anyways, I might revise this poem later and use better words and stuff I don't know but my initial thoughts are there and I wanted to share them.

Thank you for reading and I hope you all have a wonderful day/night. Best wishes, take care 💚💜