Aroace thoughts/rants

Paranoid

Okay. SO. there's this song. That I've loved for some time now. A little over a year. It's called Paranoid by Carson Rowland and I have listened to it many times by now. I'm pretty sure it was in like my top 15 on Spotify wrapped 2023 (top 5 is reserved for Jeremy Shada and Jeremy Shada only. But Carson Rowland was my second artist in 2023 and he's actually Jeremy's brother in law and they have a song together)  ANYWAYS. I was just listening to this song and my brain interrupted aromantically today.

So. Let's start. I might have to talk about every single lyric.

It'll be so much easier for you (words spoken in the beginning but they don't put the words on the screen. But I need to talk about them so here they are)

It'll be so much easier- like sometimes I think to myself it'll be so much easier for me if I wasn't aromantic or if I at least was romance favorable. 

But life goes on it seems to me
Head in the clouds with reality.  Life goes on so I try and like move on when something to do with romance especially fictional makes me upset. Life moves on. I should move on too.  But for some reason I have trouble moving on.

Head in the clouds with reality- that part to me is like either when I think "what if I wasn't aromantic?" And I try and think of what my life would be like or if I think "what if romance didn't exist at all?"

I don't know myself sometimes sometimes I really just don't know how to describe my feelings, any of them but especially when I'm sad/upset about being aromantic bc I know that I really don't want to like romance I just want me not liking it to stop being a problem but like at the same time I just wanna like it and I don't know how to describe the feelings so it's like I don't know myself.

Hear that little voice yea
Calling out from the back
Make you think twice yea
Question what is a face

This. Where do I begin.  There's more than one meaning to this that my brain interrupts but we're gonna go with just one. The little voice in the back of my head. When someone else puts a romantic ship above the rest, the little voice in my head starts telling me that too. Like "oh they're dating so they love each other more than their friends" and like it makes me hurt for their friends especially if that friend is either my favorite character or has expressed that their friends are the only thing they have/incredibly important to them or both my favorite character and expressed that. Because I then take it as fact.

Even if I don't agree, I take it as a fact and I hate that it's a "fact" and I hurt and get angry and cry for those who I'm afraid are hurting because their best friends are forgetting them or not showing them the love I think they deserve bc in my head, now I'm thinking they love their romantic partner more.

Does it even matter?

It matters so much to me but I know no one else cares. Not like no one else but like not enough for it to make a difference because shows and media and stuff and fandoms are always gonna depict romance as higher than friendship.

So it doesn't matter. But it matter to me and probably so many other a-specs and yet I'm questioning if I'm even worrying about some thing that's worth it.

In the end I'm sadder
But I know that I'll be back

The only example I have for this is Jatp. Was my comfort show. Now it makes me sadder than it did before. I want to be back, but I don't know that like the lyric says. So this more so relates to the lyric "in the end I'm sadder" but I hope to be back to what it was one day.

I'm paranoid you'll think less of me
By this flawless faceless society

Society puts romance above the rest and I don't wanna be seen as less because I don't do that or don't have a romantic relationship.

So don't you tell me what I need
It my choice on how I be
So don't you put that shit on me
Cause I don't need you honestly
But who are you to say I'm wrong now

Don't tell me what I need. I don't need romance to be fulfilled or happy. Not everyone has a dream of getting married and starting a family and you don't need a spouse or kids to be happy.

So don't you put that shit on me. When people push and force romance it makes me wanna push it away even harder. I don't need it I don't need a boyfriend.

But who are you to say I'm wrong now, I'm afraid of people getting mad and calling me a hater and yeah I am kinda a hater but I'm not tryna like make romance illegal I'm just saying- like the more I feel pressured on it the more I hate it.

But I don't think you know me at all
I can't even understand my own brain. I doubt anyone else can. It's a mess in here.

So yeah. I love this song even more now. Little scared it might weasel its way into top 5 for 2024 when those spots are reserved, but I might have to make an exception. We will see.

Anyways. Thanks for listening! Hope you enjoyed, maybe I introduced you into a new favorite song. Who knows. Anyways, I am wishing you all the very best day/night. Take care 💚💜