Aroace thoughts/rants

Late night thoughts

This is kinda meant to be written as a story/poem/fictional thing/inner monologue thing. Idk how to explain it like it's still my thoughts but it's not like I'm speaking it directly to you like I normally write on here. Idk if that makes sense

Do you ever just lay in bed at night scrolling on TikTok and it's one of those nights where your fyp is a lot of these beautiful quotes and messages about someone somebody loves and it's not inherently romantic or sexual it's just love and it's beautiful and it's the way you feel about your friends but then as you go to send it to your friend you stop and realize it's embarrassing to send that too them because they don't feel that strongly about you and that's probably how they feel about their boyfriend and so you can't send it to them because it would be weird and then you realize no one will send anything like that to you or think of you when they read a quote like that.

And so you keep scrolling mindlessly on TikTok and you feel like crying because no one thinks such beautiful things about you. No one reads those quotes and thinks of you.  It's not that you don't have people who care about you, but you don't have anyone who cares about you that much. That thinks about you has often as you think about them.

So you wanna cry because honesty, well for me anyways, sometimes it just feels so good to cry. Like really really cry. Because after you just feel a little better but for whatever reason I don't get out that good cry and those feeling just stay stuck with me. 

I lay in my bed late at night and realize it's very possible the only time my friends think about me is when talking to me. And then I realize sleep isn't an option tonight. My thoughts are gonna keep me awake and I have no one to share them with. And I'll have to wake up the next morning and move on with life. Life never stops moving. And sometimes I just need it to. I need it to pause so I have a moment to sort myself out.

Normally the person I would talk to this late at night, or at all about this random stuff becuase I finally got comfortable enough I can't. She can only have her phone during school hours now, and on a Saturday night like this she won't see it any time soon.
And the other friend I could talk to because I feel comfortable to, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable again because she hasn't been responding as often and I'm starting to fear I'm getting annoying. Maybe she's just busy?

Sometimes I just want another person. Even if we just sit in silence together.

I don't know what I want anymore.