Aroace thoughts/rants

Figuring it out

So before I really knew I was aromantic but I did know I was asexual I was like "so what's that really mean for people I wanna date?" I was like I guess it doesn't really matter what gender they are because I'm not having s3x with them right? So I was like "does that make be pan or bi or what?"

So it's a little different than the pan/bi to ace pipeline because the only time I thought I was bi before I knew I was ace was when I was in seventh grade and all my friends were a part of the lgbtqia+ community in some way and it was the first time I was like really actually exposed to that in real life so naturally I started questioning myself because I was learning more about it.

So after I found out I was ace I thought it made me either biromantic or panromantic by default because I thought "well it doesn't matter what they have because I don't wanna see it anyways and I don't wanna show mine" ew I feel like that's worded so gross but I don't know how else to say it.

So I thought maybe I had a crush on one of my friends (which if I did have a crush on her it would suck because she's straight and has a boyfriend) and I was unsure of it was a crush or not because I think I was considering the possibility I was aromantic but I didn't really want to be so I was like "no no, I have to have a crush on someone"

And then I thought I was grey romantic or Demi romantic and finally I was like no like no I'm definitely just an aromantic girl who really wants a strong platonic bond with someone. Anybody.

And the thing is, I still really haven't fully figured myself out yet and I feel like most people will never 100% have themselves perfectly figured out because one we ourselves are always changing and people around us are changing and our environment changes and the way we perceive things change as we grow up. And two I feel like sexuality and orientation and things like this are hard to figure out again because they're always changing but also because the lack of representation for the lgbtqia+ community as a whole (although I feel like it is getting better, a tiny bit) makes it hard to know about these orientations and feel like it's okay to be these orientations.

Sometimes I'm thinking about like if I absolutely had to go on a date with a random person that I didn't already make a friendship connection with, would I want to go with a boy? A girl? And I'm like maybe a girl, so am I lesbian? Am I bi, because I still might say yes to a guy I'd just rest her go with a girl? Or am I pan? Do I really care?

Like I know aesthetic attraction is a thing so I think I have more ascetic attraction for girls than guys but also like just because I think someone is ascetically beautiful doesn't mean I wanna go on a date with them I'd rather get to know them first but if I had to go on a date without getting to know them first like would I rather wanna go with a girl?

But also like who is gonna make me go on a date with someone? That's not something that's just gonna happen so it's all this hypothetical and I kinda feel like sometimes I think about this to try and like prove I'm not aromantic but also like I feel like there's no proving I'm not. Like the way I just can't get into romance or it feels fake and stuff, like I'm definitely aromantic and even tho aromantic can still date I don't think I'm the aromantic person that wants that. Like I'm not too sure what I want, I still want those fun little adventures and to do those fun things but like in a platonic way and I even kinda like the idea of holding hands (I feel like it would depend on the person and my mood at the time and stuff) but like kissing. Ew. I'm literally making an "ew" face while typing that lol.

So yea. I don't know what I want but I guess I don't have to figure it all out right now.

And that's all I have to say, thanks so much for listening and I hope you all have a great day/night. Take care 💚💜