Aroace thoughts/rants

I wanna love you but I also dont wanna disappoint you

This story is more focused on the ace side of things since it's ace week. The main character is actually allo ace. I am not allo ace so I'll try my best to write the romance but it's not really my strong suit lol

Sarah and her boyfriend Conor have been in a relationship for almost two years now, and she thought everything was going smoothly in their relationship. She was perfectly happy with where they were at, but Conor kept asking the question "when are we going to do it."

And Sarah always said she wasn't ready. She thought maybe she just wanted to wait until marriage thinking that was the right thing to do, being raised in a Christian household had given her the world view that you only did that after you were married and because you were married. It also didn't feel like a choice, once you were married, you went on your honeymoon and that would be the first time you ever did it.

But Sarah honestly didn't want to do it. She didn't even really think about it. And she was quite shocked lots of teens her age are not only constantly thinking about it, but some do it. It hadn't occurred to her that was even an option. The way her family went about it she kinda thought it was like a law or something that you can't have sex until marriage. Or at least a social law.

And when her boyfriend asked her if they were ready to "take the next step" she wanted to become closer to him if that was possible, but why did the next step have to mean sex? And she already felt as close as possible to him.

"So, did you and Conor go out last night?" Her best friend Liz asks the next day at school. They sat down at their lunch table, but Sarah wasn't feeling very hungry.

Maybe there's something wrong with me? She thought.

"Sarah?" Her friend says snapping her out of her thoughts.

"Oh. Yeah. We went to the movies." Sarah says.

"And??"

"There is no and. We went to the movies and it was great." Sarah says.

"So you didn't-"

"No." Sarah shakes her head. "I don't think I'll ever be ready for something like that. I mean, I love Conor and I can picture us spending the rest of our lives together, but I can't picture doing that. With anyone."

Liz nods in understanding.

"Do you think something is wrong with me?" Sarah asks. "I mean, am I broken? Is there something that I'm missing?" She thought the whole world was like her. That no one thought about it. But ever since she entered high school, she realized she was the odd one. Now she's a senior in high school and she feels like she the only one who never thinks about sex.

Liz laughs. "Of course not! Maybe you're just asexual."

"Asexual?" Sarah asks. She's heard the word before and knew what it meant, but she never thought about if it applied to her. "I mean....I don't know. Could I be? Is that a bad thing if I'm still dating Conor?"

"Of course not, I mean come on Sarah romance isn't just about sex."

"Well I know...but do you think he would be okay with it? I don't wanna let him down."

"If he's not he's not worth your time." Liz says.

"Yeah but I really like him Liz." Sarah says. She never really believed in "finding the one" until Conor. She wanted to spend the rest of her life going on picnics and watching cheesy movies together, holding hands while they went roller skating so they didn't fall over. She wanted to still do those things with him, but what if he wanted more from her? Something she couldn't give him.

"Look, the important thing is you remain true to yourself. Don't do anything you're uncomfortable with just to please him." Liz says.

Sarah thinks about it for a moment, knowing her friend was right. She knew the right thing to do would be to tell Conor the truth so he knows not to expect anything like that from her, but what if it ruins everything they have? She still loves him, she doesn't love him any less just because she doesn't want to have sex with him, but would he understand that?

—

It was the end of the school day and Sarah and Conor were walking to the parking lot to go home. Sarah was mentally preparing herself for what she was about to tell him. She takes a deep breath, and goes for it.

"So um...I think I might be asexual." She says, jumping right into it. She hated when people bested around the bush. Just get to the point. That's what she always did. She was always very direct. It's one of the reasons Conor fell. for her in the first place.

"Oh, okay." Conor nods. "What exactly does that mean for us?"

"I mean, I want to still be with you. I love you." Sarah says. "I just...I'm not into that. And I know you keep asking when I'm gonna be ready to take the next step, but for me there isn't really a next step. I understand if you wanna end things, find someone you can give you what you want, because in the end I just want both of us to be happy."

Conor wraps her in a hug and kisses her forehead. "Of course I don't want to end things. There's nothing I want more than to be with you. Nothing and no one can replace you. I'd rather have you than sex."

Sarah smiles up at him, heart melting as his crystal blue eyes looked at her with such love. "I love you." He tell her.

"Love you more." She says.

The end.

So. I hope that wasn't terrible, I don't really know how to write romance lol. M

But I was actually a lot like Sarah. I was raised Christian and it was just kinda ingrained into me that having sex before marriage was like this awful thing and I also thought you just did that when you were married (also side note I didn't even know what sex was at this time I just thought it was cuddling in bed without clothes and sometimes it resulted in a baby)

In fact I remember watching this show with my sister and this girl was from a Christian family bit she had sex with her boyfriend and then her dad (he was a pilot I think. It's been a while since I've seen this show) died in a plane crash or something bc there was a storm or something and she thought it was how god was punishing her for having sex e marriage so this scene like really enraged it into my head it was a terrible thing to do. Now I'm not even really Christian 😭 anyways the point is, when kids my age started making sex jokes and stuff I didn't get them and I didn't get why people thought they were funny or hey people even thought of them.

Anyways that's all I have to say, I hope you all enjoyed, thanks for reading and I hope you have the most wonderful day/night. Happy Asexual Awareness Week 🖤🩶🤍💜🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰