Aroace thoughts/rants

Aro negative/repulsed

So I found out I was asexual before aromantic. And it was easy. I knew I was grossed out by sex so I instantly knew I was asexual, sex repulsed. When I see people talking about sex it generally just weirds or grosses me out, but it doesn't make me mad like romance does.

Which is why my aromantic identity gets so confusing. I don't think it's gross for other people to be in love but sometimes I do when they're making out or if I'm reading a book and they're deserving the kids in too much detail. Ew. And like the idea of someone making out with me grosses me out.

So like I'm sorta repulsed by romance but not in the same way that sex repluses me.

Sex doesn't make me angry or sad or emotional. (Unless it's like pedophelia or perverted than it grosses me out and makes me mad) but romamce makes my heart wanna rip in two, it makes my stomach turn inside out, it makes me wanna scream and cry and sometimes break things. Maybe I have a problem. I don't know. Oh and this is mostly just fictional romance. Real life romance is kinda chill. I'm like indifferent/ambivalent/neutral to real life romance depending on the situation it could turn negative but I have felt nowhere near the amount of negative emotions towards real life romance as I do fictional.

And like fictional romance didn't use to make me feel this way. It sometimes annoyed me because I thought it was cheesy and sappy. But it didn't make me wanna curl up in my bed and sleep my emotions away and hibernate forever.

After I found out I was aro it's like I've awakes part of myself and I don't know if I like it. Maybe I like parts of it. Like I now put more love into platonic love because I know that I can. I appreciate it more now in fiction and real life. But now I'm also afraid of losing it- in fiction and real life.

And I hate how I can't just get over things that upset me with fictional romance that really shouldn't be a big deal.

Like part of me is glad I now I'm Aromantic because it gives me an answer to why I'm this way, but part of me wishes I wasn't aromantic or that I never found out I was. I sorta blame my aromanticism in a way like it's a part of me that's seepage from me and not actually a part of me. 

So like - romance negative isn't really strong enough. But I'm not really repulsed by romance either.

I don't know.

So yeah. That's all I have. Thanks for listening, and I'm wishing you all an amazing day/night, take care 💚💜