Aroace thoughts/rants

People Watching

How have I not talked about this song yet. Like I have two aroace moods, one of them is Crush Culture and the other is this song. I haven't talked about either yet. Better late than never.

So I love this song so much. It kinda just describes everything. Like all around me people are falling in love and part of me wants to know what it's like or to have that chance, but when I actually stop and think about a relationship all I want is to be close to someone emotionally and have an emotional connection and hugs and cuddles and hand holding would be nice but it depends on how I'm feeling and how close I actually am to the person.

Like all i want is to be close with someone.

But I never allow myself to get that close with people. I don't necessarily cut people out but my brain is constantly going "what if you aren't as close as you think you are? What if they really don't care? You'll never be that close to them bc they want romance and to them you're just a friend" like no matter what my brain does that even though one of my best friends literally told me once I'd always be here best friend and she loved me and it was really sweet and everything but like even after that my brain is like "yea but what if like she was lying or she changed her mind or you did something since then or ..."

So you know...it's almost like not only do I people watch in like the romantic sense with this song, but o do it platonically for the most part.

I watch people do all these fun things and laugh with their friends and I feel like I never do any of that with mine.

My closest friends are my two sisters, my best friend who doesn't go to my school anymore and we can never hang out or text that much bc her dad is strict and I think her parents don't even know she has a phone, a best friend who lives in a completely different continent (online friend), and fictional characters.

So like, this song mainly just is how I feel about watching friends and not just couples.

Like when is it my turn? And I feel guilty for feeling like I'm not close to my friends bc I want to be but I feel like they don't wanna be close with me but like they probably do so if I say we aren't close it would hurt their feelings but then if I get close to them I'm gonna get my feelings hurt because I'll see your friendship as more important than they do.

So yeah. It's an emotional week. I need a break from life honestly why don't humans hibernate? I could use some hibernation but I have school.

Anyways that's all I have to say so thanks so much for reading and I'll see you on the next one. Hope you all have a beautiful day/night, take care 💚💜