Aroace thoughts/rants

The hard truth

The truth is
No matter how far I run
No matter where I go
No matter how much I try to ignore it

It's there.
Pages in books, screens on television
Always there,
Like the glitter you used one time many years ago
Little specks always keep appearing everywhere
There's no escape from it

Because the truth is
It's not just mainstream media
It's not just in book pages and television screens,
It's not just coming from other people's mouths
It's coming from the voice inside my head
They say it too.
And you can't runaway from yourself
You can't hide from yourself
You can't escape from yourself

When you're the one telling you
"It's not as important"
"It'll never be as important"
"You're in the wrong for not agreeing"
"There is something wrong with you"

You know there's really nothing wrong with you,
But you still feel guilty for missing a feeling everyone else has
It's like a black hole in the middle of my chest
And it keeps on growing and growing
Consuming me

The truth is,
I'm the one that's saying it to myself
No one directly told me romance was more important
But the way my brain perceives how people act
The way my eyes see
The way my ear hears
It all tells me nothing will ever amount to romantic love,
The one thing I lack.

Well...maybe I lack many things
Like empathy and understanding
Not understanding why it's romance that makes people's hearts sway
They aren't ignoring platonic friendships
They just don't love them enough to my standards

It's unfair isn't it
I feel confused
Sad
And even a little upset,
Angry,
When people overlook friendships
Found family
Platonic soulmates
When they ignore them
Or at least...
Don't pay them the amount of love I think they deserve

But don't I do the same thing to romantic couples
Don't I overlook their importance
Actively say I don't like them
Actively ignore them
And if I'm not ignoring them I'm hating them
Or being annoyed by them

Is it my lack of empathy
Or am I really just that apathetic to love
Or maybe I'm stubborn?
As a child my family always said I was stubborn
Maybe when something is loved so much by everyone else, I'm averted to it
And my stubbornness stops me from feeling any differently

Here I go, blaming anything but myself
"It's because I have no empathy"
"I'm apathetic to love"
"I'm stubborn"

The truth is
Maybe it's just me
Maybe I create my own problems

The truth is,
Maybe it really is just me.

No matter how far I run
No matter where I go
No matter how much I try and ignore it

It's there.
It's always there

Because the truth is
You can't run from your problems
Especially when your problem is with yourself

So it's like midnight and I just spit this all out. I also wrote this big long rant/confession/rant/thingy about my favorite show and basically how I want to go back to watching it like I did the first time because after joining the fandom and everyone only seems to care about the main ship I didn't really have an opinion on at first, it made me start to hate the ship, like the characters in loved in the ship a little less, and it ruined/changed the show for me and makes it more difficult to watch the show. I feel like I created that problem myself.

I shouldn't care what other people think, but I do and I don't know why. To me it's like them loving that one thing so much makes the other things/characters feel forgotten/unloved or something but I mean it's not like people are saying they don't love the other characters and relationships. They just love the romance to the same level I love the friendships and my favorite character.

I do the thing I don't like. I act like the platonic friendships are more important or my favorite character is the absolute best. I don't do anything different that they do, so why does it bother me so much?

Someone could say one thing about the main ship and something about how they like it or something and my brain will take that and say they don't care about anything else but that and that may not even be true. They're just showing love to what they love just the same as me.

I say I don't like how people act like the romantic ships are more important and it makes me afraid it makes the platonic friendships feel bad or the characters who don't have a romantic interest feel sad espically my whole head canon/might actually be canon thing with Reggie with his friends being the most important thing to him but they all have love interests and therefore their love interests would be more important to them and that makes me feel like I have to give all this extra love to Reggie and stuff but wouldn't the romantic relationships feel bad that I'm saying they don't matter as much as platonic ones?

I guess the only difference is everybody has a platonic friendship in the show and in most shows everyone has a platonic bestie relationship but not everyone as a romantic relationship or love interest.

But still, how is me loving one thing more than the others different from everyone else loving the romance over other things.

How do I not let this bother me.