Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 161: The Ballad of Josephine Part 1 (Nikki Perry-Sixx)

The silence is SO LOUD.... too damn loud....no noise, no sounds of the boy's laughter echoing or as the case was.... with their older sisters....one of whom is HERE but NOT HERE: Josephine. No Frankie, my other twin.... always at my side, stubborn as hell...funny and no Amara.... Joe's oldest twin. Five of my precious, precious children are with family...and though I feel their presence and they are in my heart, it fucking hurts not having them here and it especially hurts that Josephine is STILL in a coma...will be for weeks. Time has lost meaning; the light is so dim.... but it isn't gone. Still my eldest fights, she is still ALIVE....and WE will keep fighting too. Still, it does....is taking its toll. Family demanded and I do mean demanded that Joe & I take time for ourselves, which right NOW feels so wrong but deep down, I guess we do need it. And now, at this moment, I find myself in Josephine's room...not sure of the time and burst into tears.... And I feel now, JOE my Jo-Jo Bear take me in his arms, I feel him tremble....and his tears as I bury my face in his chest....

"I... Know Nikki....IT HURTS.... i was....in our bedroom, just looking' thru our scrap book...but I f-felt you needed me." Joe practically whispers, desperately yet gently stroking my back.

"Right Now.... just h-hold me...." I managed to choke out.... We spend some time like this, never mind how long before we attempt to dry one another's tears and share a lingering kiss. "----I just had to feel her Jo-Jo Bear. I miss her SO MUCH. She's here.... but not here....is...is this what it was like for you in a way? Like when I... almost died with the triplets?" I manage to whisper.

Joe's face is solemn, carved with sorrow. "Yes...I can't lie Honeybee. The fear.... the pain, this.... though it FEELS a million times worse, it hurts MORE because its, our child.... our joy, our light.... fighting for her life because of my fucking evil psycho ex...." Joe pauses a moment before continuing, holding me tighter to him. "----We will get thru this somehow, together. She needs us, all our children do. I love her, love THEM and YOU more than my life...."

We look around after some more time, hand in hand.... looking, FEELING the room that screams: Josephine.

'Organized Chaos' As Josephine has so proudly called her space.... her bed, spread with the blanket I made her, her bag...which Joe, Nor I have touched since the day before her birthday.... the walls, covered in art.... framed photos, that she took.... that I took, posters...a grown-up art gallery. A Bookshelf, filled with books...art books, historical fiction, all kinds of books....and her drawing desk, filled with sketches, paintings of Joe & I, outfit designs.... all kinds of things that JOSEPHINE loves. Then there's her closet, where Joe's old leather jacket and my old scarf are prominently displayed....and everything in this room, evokes memories of my VERY beautiful, special DAUGHTER.

And suddenly, I find myself along with Joe, sitting on her bed.... being held by Joe & I think...of what Mick had said, 'Something tells me you need to HEAR her voice, that you should read her diary. You guys need that, so much I think.' I'd protested, Joe did too once he was told, that it was her sacred space, private but then I ALSO remembered I'd once told her, 'It's your diary, you can write anything.... things you can't share with anyone else, you can doodle, you can write lyrics. But if you DO share, share with someone you TRULY trust.' And then I now realize that Mick IS right, still I hate in a way to do it....

"M-Maybe...." I begin sighing heavily, "We should read her diary Joe, I truly hate to do it.... but...it would help to hear HER, HEAR her voice."

"I agree Honeybee.... this...will be...IS hard.... but.... we've got each other.... we've got HER, got ALL our children." Joe whispers tearfully, turning and reaching for her bag as he's closest to it & reaches for her diary.....and that is pulled out along with her favorite books, sketch books and a scrap book she'd I know been working on for a while of Joe & I & her siblings....and then to our shock, we find a letter addressed to Joe & I, we share a look...stunned, in tears and we KNOW.

Joe, now pulling me closer....us needing contact, me leaning against him.... feeling each other tremble now as we begin to read & hear our daughter's voice clear as day in our heads......

Dear Dad & Mom,

I've been thinking about here lately.... that it would help me maybe to write letters to you guys. You've always told me how much it helped you both, when you most needed it & I know you, guys still do that all the time. Those words, those thoughts, those feelings.... the love between you both. Honest & Open always, I figured that maybe it would help me in time if it didn't feel like it would help me now.

I guess at least one of my points is: I want....no need you both, to read my diary. I TRUST you both more than words, love you both more than my life. I want to protect you both, protect my sisters & brothers.... Just take care of everyone like I always do. Something tells me, that you would need this....and that too, you HATE to do this. Things haven't been easy to say the least for me, or for you guys...but still you love & support me no matter what, that means SO MUCH.

But I feel lost, so lost...so scared, the nightmares.... mom, dad.... I've been having about Dad's ex-wife are bad.... I see blood, so much BLOOD. I don't know whose, but I feel like it's mine. If anything DOES happen, well if I can save you...save my brothers & Sisters, our family....and I would do it over, and repeatedly. Still, I know it doesn't make it ANY easier, or hurt any less...seeing me suffer, be hurt and I know how worried you've both been. I see it in your eyes, I see it everywhere.

I just need you both to know that I love you, love you so much. I am proud of you both, proud of what you've overcome, and so beyond proud to be your daughter. Truly I have the best parents in the world, in ANY world. I love all parts of you both, just like you love all parts of me. you guys have taught me that, to encourage me....to BELIEVE in me, just so many things.

All my Love-Your Sweet Bee-Your Daughter,

Josephine

PS (This will be a long one): I AM excited to drive.... I think mom is totally more excited than I am honestly. And I would, not gonna lie.... love his corvette or a car like it...you know to have or drive in. And I have SO many ideas and dreams, and I know I will have you both to be there, to love me....to support me, to guide me always.

That letter Joe & I, know every word by heart. It was SO bitter-sweet, it was heart breaking.... but we heard her voice and heard and felt how very much she loved us. It didn't make it any less painful, but we still had her.... She was still fighting, still alive. And where you next find us: Reading Josephine's Diary & too we would end up looking at her scrap book....and we were all together, Joe...myself and our other children, all of us TOGETHER.

A/N: Part 1 of the Ballad of Josephine. More to come.