Might as Well Face it, You're Addicted to Love (Joe Perry/Nikki Sixx)

Chapter 156: Don't Close Your Eyes Part 1 (Josephine Nicole Perry)

-Dear Diary- November 14, 2003

These past few months have been.... Something else to say the least. The best way I can see it is it's been like a roller coaster just like my emotions. Shock, worry.... relief, FEAR & Love all rolled into one.... rapidly going from one to another since the Storm was born back in July. She is a beautiful storm, the best surprise.... I was relieved I DIDN'T hurt mom, that he turned out ok & especially when mom was cleared with Storm to go home. There was a nursery ready thanks to Uncle Tommy, food for us...a clean house. But then came August, then came my FEARS.... school, me revealing the true extent of what I went through at school & it wasn't PRETTY my parents getting ahold of the people responsible. I tested out & graduated high school before my 15th birthday which just so happens to be tomorrow.... it's been go-go, go.... GO but of course always my parents, my siblings...my family have done whatever they could for me. However, the nightmares have gotten worse, like with Dad's ex-wife.

I STILL haven't told my parents. Especially dad, I KNOW I can tell him/them anything, but this would KILL him. I just wanna protect him, take care of him & everyone like I always do. My parents are still very much worried about me, I have my 'bad days' more now. It's like they come & go just like the tide is going in and out. Still, I feel LOST, like something bad is gonna happen yet at the same time I AM excited for my birthday! And I am waiting at this very moment to find out if I am gonna get my permit, they are letting me get it early since I again literally turn 15 tomorrow & Mom told me he's gonna take me driving if I pass......

-end-

I feel a gentle nudge & I realize two things: One, I find myself staring into Mom's eyes & two, oh two.... I see out of the corner of my eyes, someone coming to give me my results! Gotta be it. I feel mom squeeze my hand, as we're told that I have passed!!! And I get my picture taken for my permit, and I can start driving! Well, tomorrow of course since just for today I am still 14. Quickly I get my picture taken & am holding my permit in my hands & I throw my arms around mom in a hug & he laughs & cries both....as he hugs me back.

"You did it! I knew you could! My baby....so proud of you! We are SO calling your father right now!"

"I am so excited mom....and, thanks for always being proud of me and better call dad, I think he was more excited than I was!" I laughed at the end. Mom laughs too, saying that I'm right....so dad is called, Storm is awake & making excited sounding noises.... Frankie, James, Tony, And Amara are still in school now since it is about mid-morning, getting close to lunch.

I am HAPPY! But now on the heels of that, that FEELING....of fear which I try and brush off, and I wonder if mom & dad would let me hang out with my friends that also are family: Athena Adler-Lee, Persephone Adler-Lee, Bobby Mars (who totally has a thing for Athena), and of course I'd love to include Amara & Frankie....& oh no! I feel tears and realize mom's worried voice & Dad's thru the phone is floating to me.... calm, just calm...so I tell myself...I am trying....

"Josephine! Josephine, honey.... What's wrong? It will Be OK, I promise.... just breath honey.... please...please breath & talk to me.... dad is on the way....and I...."

I cut mom off, haltingly apologizing and saying, "M-Mom...d-dad.... sorry. I-I just.... bad m-moment.... i AM HAPPY....and I really wanna hang out with my family/friends, PLEASE." I BEG.

Mom holds me tightly, grounding me as I rest my head on his chest.... feeling his heartbeat, smelling that calming smell of licorice & lavender.

"You HAVE NOTHING to be sorry for Josephine, and its ok to have those bad moments, and you can't control when they come on. And I know you're happy, excited to drive....and as for your friends? You don't have to beg your father & I, sweetheart. I see how much you need this, and we wanna do whatever we can to help you, cause we love you So much, our special...very special young lady." .....

I calm, but I don't respond.....and it's like I blink & Dad shows up with Storm in tow, I find myself helped into the car, both my parents talking to me & even my littlest sister Storm 'talks' to me in her own little way, telling me they are here...how much they love me, and that I can absolutely hang out with my Crϋe as Uncle Tommy calls us. And I at last come back to myself to realize that I am HOME.... that Storm is being fed.... that we're SAFE & I at last find my voice....and I can tell relieving my parents greatly....

 I'm not OK, NOT ALONE, I KNOW THAT, and I can FEEL something...something is WRONG.... But then I sadly am stubborn, and I don't want to worry my parents any more than I already am. I want to protect them, protect Dad as best I can. And it's my birthday weekend, tomorrow driving......my favorite cake with chocolate & raspberries....my favorite al pomodoro pasta mom loves so much, olive spread.... a family walk, time in the studio.... time in the art studio, the family's sent gifts. "---I love you mom, dad....so much." I feel myself hugged tightly, both crying....ME crying. I don't wanna let them go....

The rest of the morning into the early afternoon, I spend taking care of Storm.... helping with her, spending time despite mom and dad insisting I rest. I work out, I draw.... I play guitar till my fingers bleed & then it's like I blink & mom drops me off at one of my favorite places on earth: A bookstore & Café where I'm hanging out with Athena, Bobby, Persephone and of course Amara. The triplets wanted to give me space, time with my friends telling me..., 'We know you'll find your way back to us. We love you Josey.'

I stand now with mom, him checking me over eyes holding worry & of course love....

"You've got your phone right?" I nodded, flashing the said phone from my bag which I placed in my pocket. "---If you need me, need your father.... Any of our family, we will come running Josephine. Check in with us, here in a bit, ok? And remember we love you so much, so much."

I promise to check in with my parents, knowing we do have adults.... friends of Aunt Stevie's & Uncle Tommy's that own the hang out place as I call it & I reply, hugging mom, breathing in his scent. "I love you mom, and I am excited about driving tomorrow." I DO feel myself smile, which I can tell relives mom, makes him happy...but those eyes, those eyes we share are worried......

He lingers a bit, making sure I'm ok.... calling out he loves me, loves Amara (Whom had been brought by Uncle Tommy with Athena & Persephone & of course Bobby) before he leaves & I turn to my friends, NO my family...determined to get lost & found in them....so I hope.

-Joe Perry-

I remember that day of November 14, 2003, all too well. The happiness, pride I felt for my eldest Josephine getting her permit ( smart as hell, and I knew she could...she could do anything)...and then on the heels of that, the worry...the fear, when Nikki called me telling me how scared...how upset Josephine was & that SHE needed me....and of course I came running, Storm was upset...she knew something was wrong at that DMW & then the ride home? God, Josephine was elsewhere.... We didn't know it was because she was having nightmares about Elyssa as if she hadn't been through ENOUGH up to that point.

We didn't know Elyssa had been stalking, planning.... coming to take away all I held dear as I've said & now very sadly, we've reached another of the darkest periods of mine & my husband's life. And it haunts Nikki, it haunts me NOW to these days the last words we'd ever hear Josephine speak (or so we thought at the time):

'I love you mom, and I am excited about driving tomorrow.' (The last words she spoke to Nikki)

And:

'I'm gonna be ok....it will be ok, cause I'm not alone'. That line gives me the fucking CHILLS. It's the way she said it, trying so hard to convince herself....it was the fear in her eyes.

She was protecting me, protecting Nikki as well in her way. And she despite her being afraid, would defend Amara...save her life, save those she loved even at the cost or VERY nearly at the cost of her own life......

A/N: Part 1 done, part 2 is coming up. So much more to come.