His Love Healed My Heart

INSERT 114

THURSDAY
*
*
*
LWAZI
*
*
*
I must have fallen asleep after the guys left.  Why would he come back now?  I don’t need him in my life. How can he walk into my life and expect me to forgive him just like that. 
Khanyi:  for someone who suffered a heart attack you are surely in deep thoughts.
Me:  Hey Mama Bear.  (she gives me a very tight hug)
Khanyi:  I’m sorry I couldn’t come yesterday, your babies kept me busy.  How are you feeling?
Me:  It’s ok I understand.  I don’t know, I really don’t know.
Khanyi:  Thando will be back soon, she went home to shower and change.  She is really worried about you.  You have to tell her.
Me:  I know Mama Bear, I know.  I didn’t have any nightmares last night, I think having her next to me helped me relax last night.
Khanyi:  As long as you got some sleep.
Me:  I don’t know why he is back Khanyi, why now.  the last time I saw him I had just finished writing my grade 12 final exam. That’s when we buried my mother.  I walked away and never looked back after my mother’s death.  I don’t need him in my life, I don’t want his apology Khanyi.
Khanyi:  hey calm down before you give yourself another heart  attack.  I won’t tell you what you should do.  What you do will completely be your decision and whatever you decide make sure it is right for you.  At the end of the day you have to be happy, you have to let go of the past and move on with your life.  You are not alone, we are here for you always.  Remember we made a promise to each other that as the family that we are we will always stand by each other.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Mcebisi:  She is right you know. (as he walks in.)  Mother in law how are you? (kissing her cheek)
Khanyi:  I’m good and you?
Mcebisi:  I’m good just not happy that my partner in crime is lying in a hospital bed.  You need to get out of here because my life is boring with you here.  I can’t irritate these people alone, you know that right
Me:  I know.  I’ll be out soon hopefully tomorrow.
Mcebisi:  that’s good to hear.  So what caused the attack?
Me:  Long story.  Someday I’ll tell you.
Mcebisi:  fair enough.  I’m not staying long, I have a meeting close by so I thought I’d swing by here before going to the meeting.
Me:  thanks man.
Mcebisi:  I have to go.  I’ll come back later tonight, I’ll bring us some food.
Me:  that would be awesome.
Khanyi:  Let me walk you out, I need to talk to you about something.  I’ll be back just now Lwazi.
Me:  OK.  (as they walk out Thando walks in.)
Thando:  Lwazi no 2, are you good?
Mcebisi:  I’m good.  I’ll see you guys tonight.
Thando:  Why not at lunch?
Mcebisi:  I have a lunch date with my Lina.
Thando:  I see.  Byeee.  How are you feeling today?
Me: I’m ok I suppose.
Thando:  I made your favourite breakfast.
Me:  Wonderful but before I eat I want to talk to you.  Come here.  (I turn on my side and get her to lie next to me.)  turn the other away I want to hold you from behind.  Are you comfortable?
Thando:  yes I am.  You know it always feels good to be in your arms. So what do you want to tell me?
Me:  When I was six year old I started noticing a lot of things around the house.  I started noticing how my dad was treating my mom.  One night he came home drunk as usual, that night mom was not feeling well.  I was watching tv.  He went straight to his room and after a few minutes he came back and told me to go to my room.  As I walked out he went to the kitchen, maybe to warm his food I don’t know.  Sometime later he came into my room just as I was starting to fall asleep.  He opened my covers and told to take off my clothes.  As I was taking my clothes off he told me that everytime he comes home and my mom is asleep I am going to satisfy his needs. I was so confused didn’t understand what was going on.  After I was done, he made kneel in front of him and took off his pants and his trunk and told me to suck him.  I refused getting up, I tried running to the door but he grabbed me and made me kneel again.  “If you don’t want me to hurt your mother do as I say.”  After saying that he slapped me seeing that I wasn’t doing anything to do what he wanted.  He slapped me again and I started crying,  he told to keep quiet I am going to wake up my mother.  I cried silently still kneeling infront of him.  He took off his tie and used it to tie my hands behind my back.  He forcefully opened my mouth and he put it in my mouth.  He held my head with both his hands holding it in place and started fucking my mouth when he was about to climax he took out and spilled his juices on my face.  He looked at me and smiled.  He took his pants, put them on, untied me and took my bath towel and wiped my face.  He helped put my pyjamas on and tucked me in and told me tomorrow is another day.  He also threatened to kill my mother if I tell anyone.  That’s how it all began.  The forth time it happened we were alone in the house just me and him, my mom was in hospital because he beat her so bad that she had to be hospitalised.  I never told my mom what was going on.  I didn’t want her to die because of me.  He came into my room and just said “you know what to do.”  He did what he normally does but this time is was different.  He stood me up and told me to bend over on the bed.  I hesitated, I didn’t understand.  He bent me over himself and opened my legs and my but chicks and I felt a cold fluid flowing down my butthole, soon I felt a finger going in. I have never cried so much in my life hoping that someone would hear and come help me.  He took his finger out and fucked me senseless.  There was so much blood, the pain I was feeling was nothing like I’ve ever felt before.  I kept thinking to myself that how can my own father do this to me?  How can he say he loves me and do this to me.  I hate him, I hate him.  that’s all that was going through my head how much I hated and how I don’t want him to kill my mother.  Everyday that week my mother was in hospital and he woud  do as he pleases with me.  My cries didn’t help.  (she is wiggling herself, she wants to face me and I don’t want her too.)  Please Thando don’t, just stay like this please.
Thando:  Ok.
Me:  My mother was discharged from hospital and he never even bothered to go fetch her.  When she came home she immediately noticed that something was wrong and she only noticed because I was walking funny because of the pain.  She didn’t have to ask, she looked and my tears just fell.  “HE SAID HE WOULD KILL YOU IF I TOLD YOU.”  She  tried to calm me down and asked me tell her everything and I did.  she was in tears as well.  She went and packed our staff and we left but it didn’t take long for him to find us because we never went far.  He dragged us back home and beat us.  He said “IF YOU TRY TO RUN AGAIN I WILL FIND YOU AND THIS WILL HAPPEN.”  He forced himself on both of us that night.  He started with me in my room then my mom.  Everytime we tried  to run he would find us, I don’t know how. My mom had no family and we couldn’t run to his family that was the first place he went to.  This became our life until I was 15 and I was starting high school.  My mom suggested I go to a boarding school.  It took a lot of convincing from her side, I don’t know what kind of deal she made with him that made him to agree to let me go but he did.  But it didn’t stop.  When ever I went home for school holidays he would do the same thing and this time it was different because he would hold a gun against me so that I don’t fight him.  my mom tried to protect me, she tried to take my punishments for me, she really tried but he wouldn’t have it. He wanted both of us to suffer.  She lost two babies because of the beatings.  When I was doing matric my mom told me that I have to make sure that I pass and told me not to come home for the holidays.  She had an arrangement with one of the matrons that I would spend the holidays with her.  During my matric year I was safe from my father but I was worried about my mother, how she was suffering.  My father was not even allowed to visit me.  I never saw him that year.  During school holidays my mom would come visit me for a day and then go back.  Everytime she came she had bruises, she always looked like she was in pain.  The last time she visited, she reminded me that I had to pass my matric.  She told me that after I finish my exams one of uncles from my father’s side is going to fetch me from school and I am going to stay with him until I go to varsity.  When I start varsity I’ll be on my own.  She said “ I don’t want you to stay with your uncle long because he will find you and he will take you from him.  Lwazi please my child do everything as I tell and you will be safe from him.  Your busary has been approved and it is going to pay for everything you need until you finish your studies.  All you have to do my child is to make sure that you pass your exams.  Your uncle will be available should you ever need him but do not contact him unless you have to.  Do you understand Lwazi.”  This was two days before I started with my final exam.  She gave me a lot of documents about my studies and my busary, everything I needed and there was a bank card with a pin number wrote on the piece of paper.
“Lwazi do as I tell you and you will be safe.  Remember contact your uncle only when you need to .  He knows where you will be and he will visit when he can. I LOVE YOU my boy.”  She held me so tight and that was the last time I saw her alive. She planned everything.  When I finished my exams my uncle came to fetch me.  He called my mother and told her I was with him and the following day we got news that my mother had killed herself.  She used my dad’s gun.  The last time I saw my father was at my mother’s funeral.  He tried talking to me but my uncle stayed true to his word of protecting me against him.  When the school year began he drove all the way to Durban, helped get registered and everything else.  Once a month he would come visit me until I started working and told me that it was my turn to vist him now that I am earning money and he is too old to travel.  He kept me sane.  His love kept me going.  My mom died protecting me from a man who she thought would love us till the end.  (at this point I couldn’t control my tears.  I let go of Thando and sat up trying to wipe my tears.  She got up and sat on top of wrapping her legs around my waist, holding me tight and letting me cry on her shoulder.)
Thando:  Thank you for telling me.  I know it was not easy but thank you for trusting me and telling me.
Me:  I love you very much and keeping all this from you has been very hard. (she pulls away and wipes my tears.)
Thando:  I’m never leaving.  If you thought I was going to leave when you told me, then you are wrong.  You are stuck with me.
Me:  I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now I can eat. I’m hungry. (she gets off me and prepares the food for me, just then my father walked in.)
Thando:  I’m sorry who are you?
Him:  I’m his father
Thando:  you are not welcome here please leave.
Him:  Lwazi please.
Me:  She said leave
Him:  I’m sorry for everything Lwazi, I’m sorry for the pain I caused you.
Thando:  I said get out, he doesn’t need your sorries.  (Just then Luyanda walked in)
Luyanda:  What’s going on?
Thando:  he doesn’t want to leave.  Please leave before this gest ugly for you. (luyanda turns to look at me raising his eyebrow)
Me:  he is my father. Please leave or this will turn ugly.  I don’t want to hear anything you have to say to me. You didn’t listen to me when I begged and cried for you to stop.  When my mother cried and begged you to stop.  You never listened.  Just leave.  (Luyanda pulls out his gun but he doesn’t point it at him)
Luyanda:  Leave otherwise one of us is going to jail today.  (my father looked at me and left.)
Me:  What kind of a lawyer are you, why are carrying in a gun?
Luyanda:  I just saved your ass from another heart attack, just say thank you and stop with twenty questions.  Can I also have some food.