His Love Healed My Heart

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SATURDAY
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ZWELIBANZI
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I never thought in my life I would end up here.  I grew up with everything.  I was never a spoilt brat but I had everything I needed but somehow I always wanted to have more.  My dad would always tell me that I should learn to appreciate what I have.  What I had was never enough for me.  I always had to have more.  I was always at the top of my game in everything I did.  I always made sure I had what I wanted and I think that’s where the problem came in. I forgot about what I needed in life and focused on what I wanted.  I forgot everything my parents taught me and the person I am.  I can’t even raise my own kids.  My mom is raising my twins now with the help of Khanyi because their mother is also jail.  In all that I did I never thought of my kids, of how my actions would impact on them, on their lives and now all I can do is pray that they don’t end up like me.  I can only hope that they don’t lose what they have learned, they don’t forget their roots like I did.  I forgot who I was and became someone else and now I am paying for my actions. 

As parents we always think that we can’t learn from our kids.  I have come to realise that I am learning a lot from my kids.  After everything that I have put them through, they are really working hard not become like me.  They are doing things differently.  I guess for them having Qhawe in their lives is motivating them to become better and he is really a good father to them.  I hope that one day I can do things right with my kids, I hope I can build some sort of a relationship with them.  Sometimes as parents we really have to pay attention to what we do infront of our kids,pay  attention to what they see in us, as in the long run they turn to be what we potrayed to them.  Sometimes we raise our kids right, teach them all the right things but they turn out bad only because they start listening to friends and succumb to peer pressure and make wrong choices.  I chose to forget  what I was taught and gave into to temptation and greed.  Today the kids are visiting me, they asked to see me and I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s because I agreed to the adoption thing.  The guard walks into my cell.
Guard:  You have a visitor, let’s go.  (I walk out and he takes me to the visitors area and there they are with their mother and she is so beautiful.  Lwanele is really taking after her mother.  I wonder why she was never enough for me, now my loss is another man’s gain.)
Me:  Hi guys
Lwanele:  Hi Banzi  (I’ve gotten used to them calling me Banzi and I don’t blame them.  I never acted as a father to them.)
Khanyi:  you look good.
Me:  thank you.  I can say the same for you guys.  Look at these kids, they are so grown.
Khanyi:  they are growing up too fast for my liking.  Look I’ll give you some space so that you can talk.  (she gets and walks to sit at the table that’s by the window.  I guess her husband is waiting for them outside.  I call out to her)
Me:  please tell him to come in, I would like to talk to him when we are done.  (she looks surprised but nods.)  Hey guys, how are you?
Ntando:  we are good and you?
Me:  Surviving.  So you wanted to see me.  (Ntando and Nele look at Lonwabo.  I guess he is the one that’s suppose to tell me why they wanted to see me.)
Lonwabo:  We heard that you agreed to the adoption, why?
Me:  Because I can see how happy you are with him. I can see how he is treating you just like you were his own kids.  Anyone who doesn’t know our story would swear that he is your biological father.  I agreed because he can give you more than I can.  I’ve been nothing but a pain in your lives,  I caused you more grief than happiness.  I hurt you in ways that a parent should never hurt his kids.  I was never a role model to you guys and he is.  Even though I agreed to him adopting you, it will be an open adoption, I have not given up my parental rights with the hope that I can salvage our relationship.  I won’t be involved in any decision making that concerns your lives, all I want is to have a relationship with you guys. 
Ntando:  I understand what you are saying.  I believe in second chances and I am willing to give you one.
Lonwabo:  Did he talk to you about the name change?
Me:  thank you Ntando.  Yes he did and that is up to you guys.  You never used my last name because me and your mom were not married when we had you.  I would  have loved for you guys to use my last name but really I don’t deserve that.  It is your decision.
Lonwabo:  we have decided to take his name and we would like you to understand that we are not doing this to spite you but because he deserves the honour.
Me:  I know and I understand.
Lwanele:  so you are not mad
Me: Not at all Nele, not at all.  If anything I am happy that you guys are finally happy.
Lwanele:  We are happy, very happy.  The twins will be spending the December holidays with us.  And grandma is coming for a visit next  week with them, if mom and dad say it’s ok, we can come and visit again with grandma and the twins.
Me:  I would really love that.
Lonwabo:  You really want a second chance?
Me:  I do.  Are you willing to try?
Lonwabo:  We can try and see.
Lwanele:  He has a girlfriend now.
Me:  who has a girlfriend?
Lwanele:  Wabo, her name is Oyama.
Lonwabo:  she is just a friend that’s all.
Ntando:  Please Wabo, you need to stop with that statement.  We all know you feel something for her.  Just be honest to yourself about it and maybe you’ll eventually get some sleep at night.
Lonwabo:  How do you I don’t sleep at night.
Ntando:  I’m your brother I know these things.  Besides your sister here told me because she was concerned about you.
Lwanele:  You really should just tell her how you feel.  (watching them talking like this makes me realise how much I am missing out on.  We continued talking about general stuff and they were asking me about how life is in prison. Their dad walked in  and walked straight to his wife who stood up when she saw him,  he pulled her close to him and kissed her forehead.  She turned to look at us and I nodded for them to join us.)
Qhawe:  Zwelibanzi
Me:  Hey (Lwanele went and sat next to him placing her head on side of his arm.) 
Qhawe:  You asked to see me
Me:  yes I did.  I want to thank you for being the father I never was to them.  I want to thank you for loving them the way you do, for being a role model. You became their light, you became their healing from the pain I caused them.  Even when I die someday, I’ll knowing that my kids are good kids, they have a good life and loving parents.  I am ready to sign the adoption papers when they are ready. 
Qhawe:  I love them.  They made it easy for me to love them, they became my life, they are my life.  (he looks at them with a warm smile and so much love.)
Me:  I have something else that I want to tell you guys
Ntando:  that is?
Me:  I have been diagnosed with Colon Cancer.  It’s at the early stages, I’m starting with the treatment next week.  (they go silent, looking shocked)
Khanyi:  when were you diagnosed?
Me:  4 days ago
Lwanele:  does that mean you are going to die?
Me:  I’m not going to die anytime soon.  It was found early before it could spread so now the doctors are going to treat it.  I am going to fight it.  I am going to be better because I still want more time with you guys.  This time I am not giving up.
Lonwabo:  I hope the treatment works.  I really do.  You might have been a horrible father but this is something I could never wish on my worst enemy.
Qhawe:  I really do hope that it works.
Guard:  Your time is up.
Me:  Just a few minutes man.
Guard:  I already gave you an extra 20 minutes.  Let’s go.
Me:   fine.  Thank you for bringing them Khanyi.  I really appreciate it and thank you for the second chance.  (I walk away with the guard as they leave as well.  I must say that was a great visit.)
Guard:  You have good kids.
Me:  I know, I’m trying to fix things between me and them.
Guard:  Considering your state, I hope it works out for you guys in time. You should have told them the truth about the stage of your cancer.
Me:  I don’t want them to feel sorry for me.  I don’t want them to get close to me out of pity.
Guard:  I hear you
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SNE
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After the visiting to the traditional healer with my mom, I realised that I have been living my life in her shadow.  Now I understand why my brother left.  She did the same thing to him.  I won’t blame her entirely.  I made my choices and now I thinks it’s time I learn from my mistakes.  Mcebisi is not about to become one of my mistakes.  I might be a bitch but I won’t ruin his life because of my mom.  He made it clear to me that he doesn’t want.  His wife loves and she would kill for him.  No matter how pathetic my life is right now I still value it.  My friend was right, I should just leave them alone.  Everytime she told me the truth, I always thought she was just being jealous but she is the most real friend I have.  She is looking out for me.  I should learn from her.  she is an independent woman.  She finished school, she is working now and working on starting her own business and she wants us to be partner.  Maybe I should take her up on her offer.  At least I am smart enough to save money from the money I get from the reach guys I date.  I have something to put on the table for the business.

Maybe it’s also time that I move out and start living on own.  I’ve never lived on my own.  My mom never wanted me to move out.  She always wanted me to stay with her.  my friend actually told me that as long as I still live with my mother at my age, I’ll never grow as a person.  If I continue living with my mother I am going to find myself in more trouble than I anticipated.  I have never used Muthi to trap a man or destroy someone’s life and I am not about to start.  I know how dangerous this thing can be.  I have a friend that used it and it didn’t turn out well for her.  Mom is too desperate for money.  Money is more important to her more than anything and that is what she taught.  “Move above everything else”
Her:  change is not easy my friend, you have to take it one step at a time.
Me:  I am willing to try.  It won’t hurt.  I’ve never been independent.  I’ve always depended on a man for everything.
Her:  it’s never too late to learn to stand on your own Sne.