Right Kind Of Wrong

tight spaces

It's only 9 pm. Jay and I are sitting on the couch watching south park. Yay. I hate this show. But he thinks it's hilarious. . He whispers in my ear I'm ready to go to our bed .. I laugh .. it's early I say. He looks at me with his plea face .. and then rubs his hand across my belly. Not good. I know now that we are OFFICIALLY sleeping in the same bed every single night that I'll cave .. and to be real honest I've lost sight of why I've still got a death grip on it.. I mean I know I wanted to keep that because I wanted the guy that I really fall in love with to know Ur the only one to ever touch me .. but really is that the truth. And now I see it as Jay should know that he's the only person that I've ever given my trust and my heart to . Maybe it won't even be a big deal for him about the sex .. I mean he does know that I've been touched by others. Not many !! But yes I've been touched .. it was stupid and they didn't mean anything to me .. I seriously wish that I hadn't done it. If I had known there was gonna be a Jay. I wouldn't have ever even let myself go there .. I really wish he was the only guy to ever touch me .. besides I don't think he will see it as some precious gift. Hell he's had sex. It's just another hole to him I'm sure. Now that I've convenced myself that this isn't a big deal I think in this mind set maybe I can just push threw .. lmao. OK bad  choice of words. .. I tell Jay yea let's go .. he looks at me like dam Ur thinking hard. He's so fucking hot omg. I'm so afraid I'm gonna embarrass myself or do something stupid. I'm so in my head tonight. . My mother I blame her .. what's new . Jay stands up and makes sure all the doors are locked. I pick up my cigs and my drink and walk toward my room .. I put these items down on the bed side table and turn to close the curtains and blinds .. Jay walks up to me while I'm pulling the curtain next to the bed. He turns me around and says can I take this off as he's tugging at the bottom of my tank top. He's looking so deep in my eyes I think he must be able to read my thought. . I nod yes slowly. He lifts my arms over my head and reaches down to take the shirt in his hands , I feel stupid . He pulls the shirt off and tosses it on the floor ,I'm thinking Ur pretty good at that b ball u couldn't swish that bitch in the laundry basket. .. he's working on the sec shirt now. I'm now standing here in nothing but well my bra ,panties and some very very flimsy tiny bed shorts. I FEEL naked .. he pulls the covers back and I immediately slid in ,wanting to pull the covers up to my neck. He turns the light off .. but it took him a min or two to crawl in the bed. He's at my side . He slides his hand over my belly and starts doing circles around my belly button slow rhythmic circles the kind that keep Ur attention. We start kissing but these kisses say something different. . Not like any other kiss he's given me .. this kiss is scared .. or is it me that's scared. I'm not scared I'm nervous a Lil .