Right Kind Of Wrong

Done

I step back just because when he was holding me against the wall acting like a crazy loon it scared me I haven't seen him like that ,he's never grab me before ..he's literally being held by his father from getting to me ,Rick says Jason stop.. Jay moved again. .Rick says boy don't .. Jay stops immediately. But looks up at me with the saddest eyes ever .. he just dropped his head back down.. Rick says she will come to u when she wants to talk .. I walk back in the house and sit down on the couch I need a cig. Tammie brings my cigs to me and a bottle of water. . I take a few mins to settle down and I think wow that got bad quick ,can I really trust him not to hurt me ,as I rub my elbow that is turning blue and swelling . Two things I'll never ever deal with in a man hitting and drugs !! This boy has become some one I could never be with ,yet I can't see me without him. The right kinda wrong ... Jay walks in and sits down across from me and is looking at me with the most angry face .. I just look away ,Rick says Melanie he's not gonna do anything I can promise u that. But when u wanna talk u let him know ... I shake my head at Rick in the yes way ... Jay hasn't took his eyes off me he looks like he really wants to beat the shit outta me right now. .. all of our friends have left ,Rick told them to go .. Tammie is still right by my side.. I stand and I think Jay went to stand but changed his mind real quick when daddy walked to the door frame .. I look at Jay and tell him , I'm so sry things had to get this far gone. . I'm sry Jay. he's looking up at me .. those mean sexy eyes the ones that say I'm so over ur shit.. I walk away because I'm crying again and I just can't deal with knowing he turned out to be my nightmare. .. I lay on my bed and sob, thinking why did he have to turn out to be the one ..and the one I can't ... I'm hurting .. about an hour later I walk in the living room Jay is still in the same spot .. he looks up immediately. . Jay we need to talk now .. I put out my hand for him to take and stand up .. he does . We go to the bedroom, I shut the door . And sit down on the bed beside him .. he's looking at the floor . I start by saying Jay I've been so sad all my life ,i never had the life I wanted , I've been stuck in this house with a mom who hates me for being born, they all choose drugs over me . I've gotten high , Jay looks up at me as tho this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever said ... I have Jay .I say to him. And I've gotten drunk .but I'm not that person. I don't want or need an alternate world .. it's just not who I am.. yes I like to have a fruity drink or wine sometimes .. not gonna keep me from a good job ,or from being a great mom some day .. I'm the girl who would rather buy shoes then weed. He looks at me again .. I'm not sure how we got here or what your going threw , all I know is I love you with all my heart . And I'd do anything for you. I'll be here if u need me .. when u need me .. but if u have to continue with the drugs I have to stop being ur girlfriend . I will always be here for you .Jay .the tears are pouring down my face .... he looks at me out the corner of his eyes ..yeah that look that makes my belly tight .. Jay are u gonna stop doing drugs so we can be together .... I ask .. he sits there for what seem like eternity. . I stand up kinda mad ,but mostly so sad that I just can't sit still. ARE YOU ? I yell.. he stands and says no... he walks over picks up his bags I packed earlier and takes them out the door with him ... I'm in shock .. I can't move . The room looks like slow motion. .. I fall on to my bed and sob.. full on heaving sobs the pain from that one word feels like my heart was removed with a gensue knife !! Later Tammie comes into the room and lays down beside me .. mel? I slowly raise my head and say ... he choose drugs over me too... in the saddest voice u could ever imagine. . I'm inconsolable. .. I've never felt pain like I did when I'd had to actually say those words out loud .. it hurt so bad I couldn't even take a deep breath ..