Right Kind Of Wrong

you will not control me

I'm standing in the shower my mind is racing !! What am I gonna do . I know I love Jay and a very big part of me wants to stop all the fucking shananigand !!!! But there is still that part of me that says I have to be me and I have to make my own mistakes . He has to let me make my own choices . And let me learn my way .. he can't save me !! Or STOP ME . I feel that he loves me but he will not control me .. never . When I step out the shower he is standing at the door I didn't even bother closing the door I knew he would open it .. he says I'm not telling you what u can and can not do .. I knew we had a ruff night and u needed to sleep. I wasn't gonna wake u when she text 10 times . I just told her u were having mom issues today. . I look up at him and say . Jay that's not ur decision to make . I decide when I need to sleep ,eat, go and stay .. I say this very calmly . It's gonna be a day of me not screaming ! I ask him to move so I can walk past . He reaches up and runs his hand down my wet hair ... he's holding the back of my head .he says ur so beautiful. I wish you'd stop fighting me . I love you so much I just want what's best for u .. I look him straight in the eye and say no u wanted me home today u just made dam sure u got what u wanted . And you win . U have me stuck here till midnight . I push him out my way and head to my room . He walks with me ..he says baby that's not true I just wanted u to sleep . Why do u always think the worst of me .. he sits down on the bed I'm drying off . He says we have had the best time for the last few mons .. why can't it stay that way .. I say because you want me all to ur self and I have friends and family . And my own life . I'm putting on my panties when he reaches for me I side step his hand and continue. He says I'm not at all mad that u have those things . It's just you get so caught up trying to be every body to every body .. and some how I get forgotten about . Why am I last on ur list .. omg !!! Cry me a fucking river, I'll build u a bridge to get over it !!!! This was the thought in my head .. I didn't say a word . I just got dressed .feeling so much better that I finally have clothes on.. I walk over to my vanity and sit .. I wanna punch him so bad .. I just keep thinking punch him. And run .. I feel like a dam prisoner in my own house .. I know he will not let me leave .. hed fuck up any friend I could call to come get me .. well guy friend .. because I've never in my life wanted to go see Sam as bad as I do right now . I feel I need him . I'm brushing my hair .and still wondering what did he do with my phone .. but will never ever give him the satisfaction of me having to ask for it again . I start to blow dry my hair he walks out the bedroom . I feel myself start to relax a little . This is so intense .. I hate it . And it's making me question my love for him. Let's recap ..he's done drugs he's push me into a wall ,and now he wants to control me .. can I really love him ? I can I be in this relationship? I'm gonna graduate this yr. I'm gonna go to culinary school, I'm gonna make good money, I'm gonna make my own decisions, I'm gonna leave this prison, I'm gonna be free !!!!!! That's the plan. , and mr. Sex god ,gorgeous, smells so good all the dam time , has my heart , and loves me is not gonna change any of that !!!! I decide I need to do my make up . I have on a really cute outfit some black shorts that are cuffed around the thigh part and they look silk almost very nice classy looking shorts . The cuff is a Lil tight at the thigh . They are sorta short .not long at all.. I have on a white silk spaghetti strap top. It's sexy . I love this look . I have some black slip on sandles.. just add my makeup and I'll be set ... I think about what Jay said about me , that my looks have become so important to me .. yes they have . But what's so wrong with it . I'm still me ....