Right Kind Of Wrong

why can't I say no

After the boys had a snack we took them to go play in the movie room . They have everything a kid could want in here and a huge TV mounted on the wall and huge bean bags two of them 4 adults can lay on one of these things .they are awesome .. plus the stadium seating for movie watching. It's nice .. the boys have a huge area with an air hockey table and bowling toy set .. big rug that looks like the city with streets so they can drive there cars ... the boys go right to playing . I lay down on said bean bag that is close by .. I ask Jay to come sit next to me. This conversation isn't over .. he does . He's super close and smells like I wanna be naked right here on the this bean bag. Minus the kids .. lol ..... he says this would be fun.. and pats the bean bag. I laugh .. I turn to him and say Jay about ur question.. I wanna say yes . I wanna believe one day u and I could make it all work out .. I'm too scared not to give us another chance , but I'm just as terrified that you will walk away or get on that mess again. Those are things I can't deal with... I'm scared of you Jay .. he looks at me as if that is painful to hear .. he says scared of me? Yes. U got so mad that night and my elbow was bruised for weeks .. I say. He leans up quick .. what happen to ur elbow did I do something? He ask .. yes when u push me into the wall... I tell him .. oh baby I did not mean to do that .. I didn't even know I did .. he's so scared right now .. Jay it's OK .. it happen we both went to far with that fight .. I say .. Melanie u know I would never ever hit u .. I was just trying to get u to stop .. u wouldn't listen. ..I'm so sry baby . Please look at me I'm sry.. I look at him as he says these things .it's so hard not to just hold him. I wanna hold him .. he takes my hand .. I'm scared. . He says maybe I should go .. why? I ask .. because u seem scared . And I don't ever wanna be the cause of ur fear .. all I ever wanted was for u to trust me ..and u did . And now u don't .. that's killng me . He puts his head down on the bean bag and looks so depressed. . Jay it will take time .that's all.. he looks up and says you still love me ..? Yesssss. He pulled me over to him and hug me so tight. And kiss my face twice .. can't lie I wanted him it was the best feeling having him in my arms again. Him to be holding me . I wanted to stay like that all night.. we did stay like that for a while.. he didn't seem to wanna let go .. I dam sure didn't .. he kept saying in my ear I miss you , I love you so much ... my phone buzzed in my pocket three times while we were on that bean bag but I didn't even look at it .. I couldn't I knew it was more then likely Matt . The boys said I hungry . So we had to get up ..I took the boys to the kitchen and gave them coloring books while I cooked dinner . I looked at my phone while Jay was holding mason and sure enough it was Matt. I told him I wasnt feeling so good .and that I was going to bed with the boys soon .. he said OK ... after dinner Jay took the boys over to the corner play area and sat down with them hold mason in his lap and playing blocks .. I watched Jay being normal Jay. He loves kids .. and plays with sissy all the time.. after bath time it was bed time .. when I came out of the room I was hoping Jay hadn't left .. he was sitting on the couch . I walked over to him .. Jay is there anything else we need to say .. I ask him .. he looks at me and says have u slept with that guy ..... no ! I haven't .. I say ... has anything happen ? .. he ask ... have you had sex with anyone ? I ask .. no baby I haven't. . He says .. answer me Melanie ... he says as he turns me to him .. we kissed ..that's all Jay .. he looks down as tho his dinner might come up .. you ? He says I kissed Shana .. but nothing else happen I promise. ... I feel like my dinner may come up ... we sit for a while just looking in to each others eyes .. he says why are u with him.. I say I'm not with him .. he says so yall are not dating .. no . I say .. a Lil while later he says I should go baby. And I pull him to me .. he wraps his arms around me and I think imma burst into tears any sec. . I wanna say please don't leave. . But I just hold him for dear life. . He whispers in my ear I love you baby I always will and I am working on getting better. And one day we can try to do this right .. he let's go and stands up .. I feel the tears .. he walks to the door . I follow him. He turns around and I grab him .. I couldn't  stop my self .. I whisper in his ear  my tears held back voice , don't go ... he held me for a while just standing there . He said baby ur trust means everything to me. I'll stay when we have that. .. I promise