Right Kind Of Wrong

17yrs.old

That night when Jay and I get into bed he's still needing his time .. I can tell . And I'm certain of what I have to do .. it's fair and it will prove to him that he's the ONLY one for me . We have had the talk and he definitely knows that I'm not the one to ever do this and I wouldn't do it if I wasn't 100% sure that I truly wanted to be with him forever! So when I stop the journey down his belly kissing softly , he stops me. I look up at him knowing it's pitch black in this room and he can't see me. He says wait a minute baby ... he pulls me up face to face with him and ok I feel like a fucking idiot! He's speaking to me like dam wounded animals. .. he says baby u don't have to do that . I know how u feel about that and I don't want you to do it till your absolutely certain .. I love you baby but don't think u have to. You don't . I mean it .. I pause for a few seconds ... let me wrap my brain around this .. ur a 18yr old guy about to get the ultimate! ! And ur saying I don't have to I know I don't have to . Jay I want to ... I whisper .hoping with all my might I don't sound like a whore..... he says why ? You know why.. I say . He kisses me hard .. and says I love you so much baby .. then he says ur never ever gonna look in my eyes again ... nope I reply as I start my journey again .. I couldn't feel less like an immature Moran right now I have NO idea as to what I'm pose to do ... but I do it anyway . He's not moved for a minute then he squeeze my shoulder and then he moved me completely off him ... I think I did something seriously wrong because he's now holding it ... I move out of his way he's leaving the bed .. I lay back thinking well I fucked that up .. I put my arm over my face and feel like I'm just stupid .. when he comes back to the bed he lays on top of me and tries to kiss me. I just put my head in his chest , he says I love you but he's using the I'm spent voice .. which is confusing as hell and well chubby is hiding now .. he prolly hiding scared. .. Jay says what's wrong baby ? I'm DYING!!! I keep thinking. . He says talk to me please .. I say what did I do wrong ?? He says nothing ! I say don't lie .. he says I'm not baby , what do u think u did wrong ? He ask .. I don't know that's why I'm asking I say .. he says Melanie im.lost I don't know what you mean please explain .. I can't I say in my I'm dying here voice .. he rolls to the side of me props up on his arm and is looking down at me .. he says you didn't do anything wrong ,it was good . I'm DYING .. I coil up and cringe .. sure don't wanna be good at THAT !!!! He says answer me baby what? I say I don't know u jumped up so quick ... u push me away ... he laughs a lil and says I didn't want. To. Do that in ur mouth ...... it took me a few seconds to actually comprehend what he was trying really hard not to have to say to me ... he stutters when he's lost for words it's the cutest thing in the world . But at this very moment . I can not believe IM having this conversation! !!! Jay says we aren't there yet .. and pulls me to him .. I say YET??? He laughs ... I say I thought I hurt you ..he says no u didn't hurt me .. he's holding on to me tight . He whispers you can do that ANY time you want to ... I die !! He says I want you to please ... I can't I just hide in his side . He's laughing .. I roll over and try so hard to sleep .. I think I woke every hour . I'm not right with my soul these days .. he has me doing things I never ever even thought I'd be able to do with my husband one day ... I'm feeling like such a whore.... and I can't sleep because of it ... I need advice .. now. At 8 am I walk to the kitchen with my phone and call Andrea she's not answering .. I call zare . She says we will have lunch get ready. ... I walk back in the room and tell Jay who is looking like he just fell out of play girl magazine into my bed like a dam dream ... I'm going to lunch with zare. . I'll be back soon .. he looks at me brow dipped like what's wrong baby , and I'm thinking .. no sir !!! I can't not let mr. Sexiest eyes on this planet and sexspert mess up my plan to research this ODD life I'm leading now .. I need answers and HELP IM finding myself addicted to his ways an unable to say no .. to things I've always thought of as SO WRONG !!!!!
I tell Jay I'm fine .. he knows better . But he's says ok .. after I've showered and gotten dressed I'm doing my make up and hair at my vanity while Jay watches me .. he says baby are u mad at me I giggle ..no Jay I'm not mad I just realized I can't go with zare Thursday Cuz I'm babysitting after school that day. I lie ! I've been lying so dam much lately! ! And quick without even having to think them out ..that's don't sit well with me either .who have I become ? Wow I'm not even me anymore. What's happen to the real me ???