Right Kind Of Wrong

I feel horrible again

I wake up the next morning it's Saturday and I've gotta have the first meeting for the talent show .. the ones I'm doing the show with , which is 3 other girls. We are dancing .. I'm not sure I Wana sing this year. I really liked the dance I did last yr.. but I still have three slots to fill. So I can't be for sure if I'll have to sing .. while I'm thinking of all that . I'm staring at Jay .. he's sleeping but not deep sleeping I know when he's really in a deep sleep . He's been moving all night not slept good at all. Neither did I. . He has been rubbing me all night and kissing my head and my back. And holding me tight. Like I'm gonna disappear. . I know I have made him feel insecure I feel horrible .. why did I even touch him. I mean I didn't do anything I didn't lie really. . I mean I didn't immediately turn him away .but nothing happen .. why do I feel so dam guilty. Because of the feeling I got when he touched me? Because I didn't say no . It took me way too long to see I had to stop it .. Jay opens his eyes and say hey . I say hey .. he rubs my back . I feel so weak around him . He has this serious effect on me .. it's so weird. I'm panting before he even touches me .. I tell him I have to get up I have people coming over in about three hours and I need to eat and get ready .. he says ok and he gets up .. it seems strange that he's not all over me .. but it's OK he has been all night .. I go to the kitchen and make coffee ,and breakfast sandwiches . Jay sits at the table and we eat .. Jay hasn't touched me or Said anything . I touch his thigh and say I love u .. he looks up and says I love you too. But not in the loving way he does in bed .. what's wrong with him .. .. I'm sure last night has taken its tole on him. It has me. And I still don't know what he did to get Shana to confess.. he looks at me again and says what? I say nothing .. he says Melanie u have ur question face on .. I tell him u shouldn't know the many faces of fucked up me .. he says I do .. what is it ? Baby. I tell him u haven't told me what u did to get the bitch troll to confess .. he Said I scared her . He walks away. WAIT WHAT? I walk in to our room and say please explain. He says Melanie I use to have this horrible temper and she knows that part of me .. she knows what I'm capable of. So I walked in to her house and grab her up off her feet held her on the wall by her throat and told her to tell me what she had done . After she was a few shades blue I released her and she was crying so hard I held her face with my whole hand while I whispered in her ear that we could be in her bed in a few minutes if she would just tell me what iwanted to know .. she said you had it coming ..but wouldn't say anything else so I drug her to her bedroom and told her I wanted her I rubbed up her side and got real close to her ear and said tell me .. she did..and I told her to never ever contact me again and if she ever fucked with u again I would break her face .. and I left . I guess I'm looking like I just saw aliens !! Because he say Melanie I'm not a bad guy now. I've changed . You'll never see me be that man .but she has see it so I had to act like I still had that .. I had to know . He says and shrugs.. I'm in SHOCK. I remember zare telling me he had a temper after his mom passed .and got in some trouble .. but I just got an image of Jay doing this to that girl.. I almost felt sry for her ..no no. I do feel bad .. and at this moment I'm scared of Jay . I've never been scared of him . But now I am. I've Seen my sisters get there ass beat . I will never. I go to walk out the room I need sine air . He grabs me hard .. I tense up and freak. Jay has his hands around my arm. He says Melanie I'm not that guy please believe me. We been together over a year now . And I've never put my hands on u .. have i? He ask. I shake my head no .. baby I was just trying to scare her so she would tell me . I wasn't gonna hurt her . I wasn't .. he's shaking his head no .. I just really needed to know if u planned to go there to see him or if u had no idea that he was gonna be there .. I look at Jay , u think I would make plans to go spend time with him behind ur back ? I ask in a very hushed menace voice .. he says idk.. it all seem so strange cuz. U haven't ever went to stay with a friend. . I say wow Jay . Talk about trust .. he looks wounded like I just punched him in the face ..