Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 966: Monday 20th May 2019

Entry 966
Monday 20th May 2019

Well apart from having to play referee between Mum and Auntie Meryl (again!) it's been a rather nice day.

I got up in the morning, fed Leo and sat with him on the sofa for a bit before going to work. After a while Mum walked in with thunder on her face. "Will you speak to that twisted Aunt of yours," said Mum, "She still hasn't given me my knickers back." "Maybe you've misplaced them," I said. "Fifteen pairs of knickers!?" Mum exclaimed. "Well you do get about a bit," I said, "Each pair of knickers could be hanging off a different bloke's headboard." "You cheeky sod," said Mum, "That wicked old witch up there has done something with them." "Well, you shouldn't have put her teeth in the microwave," I said. "One pair of teeth doesn't equate to fifteen pairs of knickers," she snapped, "Seriously Luke, I can feel the wind beneath my wings here if you know what I mean?" "Well, don't wear a skirt then!" I exclaimed. "I'm not letting these legs go to waste in a pair of trousers," said Mum, "Anyway, the last thing you want when you're not wearing knickers, is your growler rubbing against a tight pair of jeans." "Oh my God!" I loudly exclaimed, "That's disgusting." "Well wearing a skirt is better than wearing jeans when you don't have any knickers on," said Mum, "Mind you, it does feel like there's an electric fan blowing fresh air up my f*nny." "Oh my God, will you just shut up!?" I loudly said. "I've got a date with a bloke tonight," said Mum, "I need a pair of knickers. I want the thin stingy G-string with the little love hearts hanging off them, but God knows what that senile old bag has done with them." At that moment Auntie Meryl walked into the living room wearing her dressing gown and pulling something back and forth between her teeth. "This dental floss is weird," said Auntie Meryl, "Are these love heart things what you're supposed to grip hold of so you can pull the floss bit back and forth." There was a short pause as Mum and I stared in shock at Auntie Meryl, realising what she was doing. "THEY'RE MY KNICKERS!" Mum yelled. Mum went to grab her knickers from Auntie Meryl, but she quickly took a step back. "Oi, keep your distance, you old scrubber," said Auntie Meryl, "I don't want you touching me. I don't know what you've got." "You're flossing your teeth with my knickers!" Mum yelled, "Your FALSE teeth with my CLASSY knickers." "Classy!?" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "If this small piece of string is supposed to be a pair of knickers then there's nothing classy about it." "Get my knickers out of your teeth right now," snapped Mum, "I mean, what sort of demented old bint flosses a pair of FALSE teeth with someone's knickers?" "How can you call these things knickers?" said Auntie Meryl, waving Mum's underwear around, "I've seen more material being worn by a nudist." "It's a G-string," snapped Mum, snatching her knickers off Auntie Meryl, "Oh my God, they've got icky teeth juice all over them." "G-String?" said Auntie Meryl, "Isn't that some sort of musical note?" "These are going to need putting on a boil wash now," said Mum. "I wouldn't put that thing on a boil wash," said Auntie Meryl, "There's nothing to it. It'll disintegrate." "Listen old woman," said Mum, "You give me back my knickers or it won't just be your false teeth that end up in the microwave; it'll be your head." Mum stormed off, and I went to work. Their bickering is getting really annoying.

I've just got back from Nikki's. It was nice. She cooked a meal and did some fancy stuff with a chicken breast and some veg. We both went to Sainsbury's together to buy the food, and whilst Nikki was paying for the shopping I waited outside and bumped into Roz. I asked her how she was getting on in her new flat, and she said she was enjoying her own company and the peace and quiet. I told Roz about Blade threatening to have me shot. "Oh, he was probably winding you up," said Roz. "No," I said, "He was deadly serious. Helene Harvey was there. She was just as shocked as I was and after what Sci-Fi Cyn said to me the other day, I think Blade is seriously starting to lose the plot." "Well, I don't think these walls are a good idea," said Roz, "Trapping us in a walled environment with limited entry points. That's going to help if we all need to run for our lives." "Thank you!" I loudly said, "Someone else who has some common sense." "Yeah, well I'm just glad you survived all that drama in the old quarantined area of Newport." "Yeah, well the bad side to all that is that Auntie Meryl has moved in with me and Mum, and their constant arguments are getting on my nerves. I sometimes wish Blade would shoot me and put me out of my misery." "Why did he threaten to have you shot then?" asked Roz. "Well, I got a bit lippy and told him that now Kyle wasn't around there was no reason for me and you to stay quiet about knowing how it was Tara that stopped the world from being nuked; not GRID." "Oh, well done you idiot," snapped Roz, "Why did you say that?" "He was getting on my nerves," I said, "He needed taking down a peg or two." "And then he threatened to have you shot," said Roz, "God, Luke I wish you learnt to think before you opened your mouth." "Yeah, well don't worry," I said, "I won't be saying about what REALLY happened with the nukes, although I am tempted." "Well, I won't be saying anything either," said Roz, "After all the drama that's been going on, I just want a quiet life. Telling everyone what really happened isn't going to help anyone now. Anyway, what makes you think anyone would believe you. You haven't exactly got a great reputation on this island, have you? I heard someone call you 'the f*ck up from the freezer with the psycho son', the other day." "Charming," I said. "All I'm saying is that you should try and stay out of trouble and make the most of what you've got," said Roz. Nikki appeared with the shopping from Sainsbury's. She gave me an expectant look suggesting I should introduce her to Roz. "Oh, Roz," I said, "This is Nikki. My girlfriend." Roz and Nikki shook hands. "Girlfriend, is it?" said Roz, with a smile on her face, "Well, it's about time you got together with someone." "So, how do you two know each other?" asked Nikki. "Well, it's complicated," I said, "Roz used to be in a relationship with my ex-wife." "You used to be married?" said a shocked Nikki. "Yeah..." I said, "I told you, didn't I?" "No, you didn't," snapped an unhappy Nikki. "Oh, sorry," I said, "I thought I had." "Luke's son lived with me and Caroline for a while," said Roz." "Leo lived with you?" Nikki asked Roz. "No, I'm talking about Kyle," said Roz. "Kyle?" said Nikki, "Who's Kyle?" Roz looked a bit uncomfortable. Sensing things had turned a bit awkward, she made her excuses and left. Nikki looked at me, raised her eyebrows and folded her arms as she adopted a stern expression. "Who's Kyle?" she sternly asked. "He's my son," I said, "My oldest son." "So, you've got two sons?" said Nikki. "Yeah," I said. "And you've been married before?" said Nikki. "Yeah," I said. Nikki raised her head, looked up and adopted an angry expression. "I don't believe this?" She snapped, "You've been lying to me all this time." "No," I said, "I haven't been lying. I just didn't tell you the truth." "Oh, shut up, you idiot, it's the same thing," snapped Nikki. "No, it's not," I said. "Are you calling me a liar?" snapped Nikki. "No!" I loudly, "It's just not as simple as that. It's not that long ago I found about Kyle." "Oh, and was it not that long ago you found out you were married." "Look" I said, putting my hands reassuringly on Nikki's shoulders, "Let's go to yours, cook some food, have a chat and I'll tell you everything."

Nikki didn't look happy. On the way to Nikki's we bumped into Richard and Madeline. I introduced them to Nikki and told them she was my girlfriend. "Oh, how lovely Elizabeth," said Madeline, "I know people like you struggle to get girlfriends, but I will give extra thanks when I say my prayers tonight and thank the Lord above for sending you a girlfriend, and rather attractive young woman if I may say so." "Are you American?" Nikki asked. "I sure am y'all," said Madeline, "I'm Mrs Madeline Melanie Mary-Anne Margarete Monica Christmasday Brown from Sanderson, Big Bend Country, Texas. Charmed to meet you. Has Luke told you that he's sampled my pumpkin pie?" Nikki raised her eyebrows. "So, that's something else you didn't tell me?" Nikki snapped. "She means her actual pumpkin pie," I said. "You must both come round," said Madeline, "How about tomorrow night. Dicky and I are always looking for another couple to go on a double date with." "I prefer it when it's just me and you," Richard glumly said. "Oh, listen to him," giggled Madeline, "I'm sure he was a comedian in a previous life. What do you say? 6pm tomorrow night?" "That sounds lovely," I said. "Oh?" said Nikki, sounding angry, "Speaking for me, now are you? I'd appreciate it if you consulted with me before making a decision for the both of us." "I just said it sounded nice," I said. "Madeline," said Nikki, "We'll have a think about your invitation and Luke will radio you later on." "Okey-dokey," said Madeline, "Well, I look forward to hearing from you over the walkie talkie. Dicky loves that walkie-talkie, don't you?" "It hurts my ear when I hold it too close," said Richard. "Oh, listen to him," giggled Madeline, "Doesn't he say the funniest things? Anyway, we'd best get back home. My fanny needs something nice and soft to rub against. I look forward to hearing from you." Madeline and Richard walked off and I explained that when Madeline said 'fanny' she actually meant her bum. "Yes, Luke," said a blunt Nikki, "I'm not stupid."

When we arrived at Nikki's I was presented with a house that was the same layout as mine, Mum's and Auntie Meryl's but it was A LOT cleaner. Everything was lined up neatly, the surfaces were shining and there wasn't a speck of dust in sight. "Wow, this is nice," I said. "Yes, it is," said a firm Nikki, "Take your shoes off and leave them on the mat. Wash your hands before you touch anything, and please don't put your feet on the furniture." "It's like Hyacinth in Keeping Up Appearances," I giggled. "Are you taking the p*ss?" snapped Nikki. "No," I said, desperately trying to reassure Nikki, "I'm just making a joke." "Well, I don't find your sense of humour very funny," said Nikki.

Nikki and I sat at the table in her pristine dining room and we had a chat. She mellowed very quickly when I told her all about Kyle and Caroline. I ended up opening up to her and telling her more than I thought I would. After a while Nikki said she'd tell me about all of her ex's if I told her about all of mine. I wasn't really bothered but I went along with it. I told her all about Pauline, Caroline, Eve, Esther and Catherine. She told me about all of her previous relationships, and how her ex's used to emotionally abuse her, gaslight her and coercively control her. Her ex's sound like vicious psycho's. "Well, I'm not going to treat you like that," I said, "That behaviour is awful." Nikki, smiled, held my hand and then gave me a kiss. What followed was a lovely evening. Nikki had a bit of a go at me when I did things that she thought was me disrespecting her boundaries around germs and hygiene, but apart from that we had a lovely evening. Nikki cooked some nice food; we had a bit of kissing on the sofa and Nikki agreed that going to Richard and Madeline's tomorrow night was a good idea so we radioed through to them and told them we'd be there in the evening.

Nikki's said I can stay over if I want. I'm still thinking about it. Part of me wants to but another part of me thinks we should wait. Is it too much of a big step too soon? The night is young yet. Let's what happens...