Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 967: Tuesday 21st May 2019

Entry 967
Tuesday 21st May 2019

I stayed over at Nikki's last night and we had sex! Actual, proper sex.

The whole evening was great. The sex was great. The cuddling was great. The talking was great – it was all great. I can't believe I've got an actual proper girlfriend. I'm so happy. Nikki's a bit strict though sometimes, and she's really obsessive when it comes to being clean, and all of the stuff in her house being clean too, but hey! No one's perfect and it's a small cross to bear. I'm just really happy at the moment.

I've just got back home from Richard and Madeline's where Nikki and I sampled her pumpkin pie and endured a sh*t load of boring 'down-on-the-farm' stories and oblivious inuendoes about Madeline's fanny. However, I was surprised when I arrived. I thought it was just going to be me, Nikki, Richard and Madeline but Madeline had invited the whole gang! TH, Mike, Trudy, Sci-Fi Cyn, Naomi and Roz. They were there sat around the dining table. Mum wasn't there and neither was Ash. He was looking after Sophie and he told Naomi that he thought it would be best if he wasn't at the meal, as I was going to be there. Mum was at home with Auntie Meryl looking after Leo (and probably getting into some petty squabble about something). I didn't really mind that everyone was there but Nikki wasn't happy. "Oh, great," she whispered to me, "Now I have to endure an evening of cr*p food and less than average intelligent conversation from your so-called friends." "Oh, it'll be OK," I whispered. "Luke, don't invalidate me please," aid Nikki, "I've told you how I feel, so that's how I feel." "Well, if we're not enjoying ourselves, we can make our excuses and leave," I quietly said, "But you never know. We might end up having a good time." "Oh, shut up Luke, you idiot," Nikki, quietly said, "TJ's here. Of course, we're not going to have a good time."

With a fake smile, Nikki walked into the dining room and said hello to everyone. I followed. "Oi, oi, oi," TJ, loudly said, "Look who it is. Loser Luke and his girlfriend Picky Nikki. Or should I say Nutty Nikki?" Nikki frowned at TJ and she and I took a seat at the dining table. "Girlfriend?" said Naomi. "Oh yeah," said TJ, "Haven't you heard She-Ra? Elizabeth's going out with Nightmare Nikki here, "Mind you, it won't last. He's a f*cking nightmare with women and she's a f*cking psycho." "TJ, that's really rude," said Roz, "Nikki, I'm sorry." "I bet he hasn't even f*cked her up the wrong 'un," said TJ, "I bet he hasn't even done her up the front." "I have actually!" I snapped, "I shagged her last night!" Nikki turned and gave me a furious stare. "Sorry," I said, suddenly realising what I'd said and how inappropriate it sounded, "I mean... Our sex life is none of your business." "That's just something losers say who haven't had sex or are cr*p at sex," said TJ, "I could give you some pointers Nanna. I've shagged all the Spice Girls. That's how they got their nick names." "What sh*t are you spouting?" said Trudy. "I shagged Victoria in the toilets in Harvey Nicholls," said TJ, "That's why she called herself Posh Spice. I shagged Geri up the arse whilst she was noshing off some red head, so that's why she got called Ginger Spice. I shagged Mel C in the changing rooms in JD Sports, so that's why she went with Sporty Spice. I shagged Mel B in the changing rooms in fancy dress shop when we were both trying on Halloween costumes. That's why she's Scary Spice, and as for Emma. Well I got her pregnant when I shot my load up her so that's why she went with Baby Spice." "So, Emma Bunton gave birth to you child?" I bluntly said. "No," said TJ, "She wanted a termination. She had a serious meth problem and couldn't bring up a kid, so she got rid. Mind you, I've probably got lots of little TJ's scattered about out there somewhere." "And you think that's something to be proud of?" said a firm Nikki. "Look at this," said TJ, pointing at me and Nikki, "Do you see the evils she's throwing Luke. God, she's got him under the thumb already." "I beg your pardon?" snapped Nikki. "TJ, f*ck off," I snapped. "Yeah, TJ, stop being a knob," said Roz. "I might have known you'd have said 'knob'," said TJ, "You wouldn't want to stop me being a p*ssy, or a v*dge, or a f*nny would you?" "Well I'll certainly he glad to get my f*nny down on something soft after the hectic day I've had," said Madeline as she walked back into the kitchen. "HA!" giggled TJ, "I love it when she says fanny. It's like she's talking about her m*nge." "So, you two are a couple?" Mike asked, pointing at me and Nikki and sounding slightly worried. "Don't worry, Mike," I said, with a smile on my face, "I haven't forgotten about you." "So, you ARE a couple?" asked Naomi. "Yes, we are" said Nikki, grabbing hold of my hand on the table. I introduced Nikki to the people sat around the table who she hadn't met, and then we continued talking. "So," said Naomi, "Luke's got a girlfriend. I have to say I'm a bit surprised." "Why?" snapped Nikki, "What's wrong with him?" "Oh, nothing," said Naomi, "Nothing at all. It's just..." "It's just that she thought Luke was going to end up with a boyfriend cos he's a big bender," said TJ. "I can assure you," said Nikki, "That after last night, I know that Luke is anything but gay." I gave TJ a big smug grin and took my two fingers up at him. "Don't do that," said Nikki, lowering my two fingers, "Not at the table." "You see," said TJ, pointing at me and Nikki, "She's got him under the thumb. Talk about being p*ssy whipped." "TJ, stop sh*t stirring," snapped Roz, "You know sometimes it would be best if you kept your mouth shut." "I had a dream about you last night Roz," said TJ, "You, Naomi and Trudy were all lezzing off in front of each other and asking me to join in. The three of you are here now so if I tell you what the three of you were doing to each other, we could do some sort of re-enactment." "TJ, just zip it," said Roz. "In my dream last night, you were asking me to un-zip it," giggled TJ, "Shall I tell you what else you were doing?" "TJ, I am not interested in giving your lesbian love triangle any attention," said Roz. "I wouldn't mind seeing your lesbian love triangle," said TJ. "Oh God," said Roz, rolling her eyes. "You're a feminist so I bet you have a right f*cking afro growing down, there don't you?" said TJ. "Yes," said Roz, rolling her eyes, "My pubic area is like a big afro. Is that what you want to hear?" "I can't believe you let him speak to you like that?" snapped Nikki. "He's an idiot," said Roz, "He wants attention. I just have to try not to give it to him." "That... and she gets all horny and wet when we have banter," said TJ. "Anyway," said Nikki, diverting attention away from TJ's nonsense, "Luke was telling me about everything you've been through on the mainland, "You've all certainly been through a lot." "I wrestled a shark," said TJ. "Of course, you did," said Nikki, rolling her eyes. "He did actually," I said, "That's the one thing that's come out of his mouth that's actually got some meat on it." "You know what came out of your Mum's mouth with some meat on it?" said TJ, "My f*cking c*ck!" "TJ, will you just shut up!?" Naomi, loudly snapped. "Alright, clam down She-Ra," said TJ. "No, I won't calm down," said an angry Naomi, "You're ruining the evening. If you haven't got anything civil to say, just get lost." "I second that," said Roz. "Actually," I said to TJ, "You didn't wrestle the shark; you stabbed it." "Stabbed it, wrestled it, whatever," said TJ, "I'm a f*cking mighty warrior." "So, Naomi," said Nikki, "Luke told me about you being shot. Must have been tough." "I'm just glad it wasn't fatal," said Naomi, "I go back to the hospital tomorrow to get the cast taken off. Lucky we've got a hospital on here that works." "Yeah, well it's better than the last hospital we were in," said Trudy. "Last hospital?" Nikki asked. "The sexual health clinic," said Trudy, "That's how most of us met." Nikki turned and gave me a confused look. "You met everyone in a sexual health clinic?" said Nikki. "Yeah," I said, "That's where most of us were at the height of the outbreak." "I wasn't there," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "I don't really have sex. I met everyone when they based themselves in a supermarket opposite my lair." "And I met Luke when he was out on his own, and then we became best friends forever," said Mike. "Why were you out on your own?" Nikki asked me. "He lost the plot and killed two innocent people," said TJ, "Shot 'em both in the head." Nikki looked horrified. "It's not as simple as he's making it sound," I said. "No, it's not," said Trudy, "I mean, he did shoot them in the head, but we'd just gone through all that sh*t on the roof with Eve and little Robbie." "Look, we've all been through a lot," said Roz, "Me and Richard met Luke and the others when they came to the zoo where we were holed up. I think what we need to do is focus on now and plan for the future." "Well, I can't believe Luke's got a girlfriend, nearly as much as I can't believe how long we've been waiting for this b*stard pumpkin pie," said Trudy. "Why is it so hard to believe?" Nikki asked Trudy. "Because it shouldn't take this long to cook a f*cking pumpkin," said Trudy, "I'll turn into a f*cking pumpkin at this rate." "I mean, why is it so hard to believe that Luke could get a girlfriend?" asked Nikki. "Look at him," said Trudy, "Podgy belly, saggy skin, receding hairline, droopy man boobs and a fat arse. No offence Luke." "Well, I have to say I think that's really rude," said Nikki. "So?" said Trudy, shrugging her shoulder, "No skin off my m*nge. Each to their own." "Indeed," said Nikki, rolling her eyes and sounding patronising. "What the F*ck does that mean?" snapped Trudy, leaning forward. "It means that like attracts like. I – an intelligent, assertive woman is attracted to Luke – an attractive – ish, reasonably intelligent man. You – a foul mouthed chav in leggings is attracted to TJ – a foul mothed fool acting younger than he really is." "Did you just call me a chav!?" Trudy loudly snapped, punching the table, "I'll knock your f*cking teeth out. "Trudy, calm down," said Sci-Fi Cyn. "No, I won't f*cking clam down," snapped Trudy, "This stuck up tw*t just called me a chav." "You are a chav," said TJ. "Do you want a slap an' all do you?" Trudy snapped at TJ. "Let's all just calm down," I said. "Then sort your b*tch out Nanna, or I will," snapped Trudy, "Stupid b*tch. I'm not attracted to that." Trudy pointed to TJ and frowned with disgust." "You had sex with him," said Nikki. "SO!?" Trudy loudly said, throwing her hands up in the air, "You don't have to fancy someone to shag 'em." "Yes, I'm sure that's what you believe," said a patronising Nikki, "In fact I'm sure that's how you've lived most of your life." "Are you calling me a slag or something!?" snapped Trudy. "OK, let's just all stop and clam down," said Roz. "Yes, Roz is right," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "Let's stop making personal remarks and look forward to Madeline's pumpkin pie." A tense silence followed. "Is this going to be over soon?" asked Richard, "I feel really uncomfortable." "Oh, you can shut up, you great big misery guts," said Trudy, "Why don't you try talking? Saying something positive?" Richard raised his eyes and started searching his brain for something positive to say. Another silence lingered. "I trapped my little finger in one of the kitchen drawers today," Richard glumly said. "How the b*starding b*llocks is that positive you thick pr*ck?" snapped Trudy. "I trapped my hand in the drawer yesterday," said Richard. "That's not really positive," I said, "It's just less depressing than most of the wrist-slitting sh*t you say." "Anyway," said Sci-Fi Cyn, returning her attention to Nikki and I, "I wish you two all the happiness in the world," "Thanks Cyn," I said with a smile. "Maybe now Naomi will get some peace and quiet," said TJ. "What do you mean?" asked Nikki. "Nanna's had a thing for Naomi ever since he clapped eyes on her in the clap clinic," said TJ. I noticed Nikki's face turn to thunder. "TJ, shut up," I firmly said. "Yeah, TJ, give it a rest," said Roz. "Is that true?" Nikki asked as she turned and gave me a tense stare. "Course it's true," said TJ, "He's had a right stork on for her. Mind you, he's with you now. I tell you what Elizabeth, I thought you'd have spent the rest of your sad saggy life lusting after Naomi, but it's good to see that you've finally given it up. As if Naomi would be interested in a loser like you." "Well, I'm certainly not interested in a loser like you," Naomi snapped at TJ. "Look," I said to Nikki, trying to reassure her, "Me and Naomi are just mates. Nothing has ever happened between us." "Yeah, but you f*cking wanted it to, though didn't you?" said TJ, "You've been sniffing around She-ra like a dog with two d*cks for years." "Will you f*cking shut up!?" I loudly snapped at TJ as I tried to kick him hard under the table. "Hang on," said Trudy, "Didn't you snog each other just before you all got cryogenically frozen?" The angry look on Nikki's face intensified as did the panic on my face. "Maybe we shouldn't be talking about this right now," said Roz. "Yeah," said TJ, "They did. They got off with each other. Mind you, then superman Seth showed up and She-Ra dropped Elizabeth like a f*cking hot brick." I put my hand on Nikki's arm and tried to reassure her. "Look," I said, "Apart from that kiss, nothing else has ever happened between us." "So, you did kiss each other?" asked Nikki. "Well, yes," I said, "But we were just about to be frozen, the bunker we were in was going to get blown up, the world going to be nuked, I had no idea if my son was alive. It was a tense situation. Naomi's a mate. Nothing's ever going to happen between us. She's a mate. Naomi tell her. We're just mates aren't we." "Yeah," said Naomi, sounding slightly sad, "Luke's right. We're just mates." "See," I said, turning to Nikki, desperately hoping she'd been reassured, "Just mates. Nothing to worry about. You do believe me, don't you?" Nikki held her stern expression for a moment. It was probably only for about three or four seconds, but it felt like a lifetime and I could see the anger on her face. She turned and looked at Naomi and then turned and looked back at me. "Yeah," said Nikki, smiling and adopted a casual tone and a more relaxed expression, "Of course you're just mates. I know that. You've been through a lot together. Don't worry about it." Nikki gave me a kiss on the cheek and whilst I felt at ease, an awkward silence lingered for a while. "This is why I don't really like people," said Richard.