Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 1129: Wednesday 30th October 2019

Entry 1129
Wednesday 30th October 2019

MY... GOD...

I have just got back home after enduring one the most awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassing evening EVER!

After having a bog-standard day, early evening approached and me and Mum started getting ready to go to this fancy dress party. I was sat in the living room with Leo and Auntie Meryl when Mum appeared in the living room with a big smile on her face dressed as Wonder Woman. It actually looked like quite an impression costume. "Ta da!" Mum said, "How do I look." "Like a whore," said Auntie Meryl. "Auntie Meryl," I said, "Don't say that. She looks OK." "OK!?" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "She looks like a slutty version of the United States if America flag." "Come on then Sausage," Mum said, "I have laid your costume out on your bed. Try it on because if it doesn't fit properly, we've got a bit of time before we need to leave, so I can make some alterations."

I went upstairs, walked into my bedroom, and saw the costume laid out on my bed. I immediately felt annoyed. I couldn't believe what I was looking at. I knew I would look ridiculous in the costume, but I also knew that going downstairs and telling my Mum that I'd look ridiculous in the costume would just make her tell me to stop moaning and try it on. I took my clothes off, squeezed into the costume, caught sight of how ridiculous I looked in the mirror and then stormed back downstairs in a huff.

I re-entered the living room and stood in the doorway wearing my costume and staring at Mum with a blunt expression. I was wearing a bright yellow hat, and a checked shirt with the sleeves cut off which was wedged underneath bright yellow, tight-fitting lederhosen. "Oh my God," said an excited Mum, "You look amazing!" Auntie Meryl seemed less excited as she appeared to adopt an expression of horror and confusion. "Amazing?" I said, "Are you taking the p*ss? I look like a right tw*t. Who am I supposed to be?" "Bruno!" said Mum. "Bruno!" I loudly exclaimed in anger and shock. "No," said Auntie Meryl, "Frank Bruno's a black man." "His first name's Bruno," I said to Auntie Meryl. "No, his first name's Frank," said Auntie Meryl. "No," I said, "Bruno's first name is Bruno." "Bruno who?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Sacha Baron Cohen," I said. "Who's that?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Bruno!" I loudly snapped. "Eh!?" said Auntie Meryl. "God," I said. Quickly getting annoyed, "Sacha Baron Cohen played Bruno." "Frank Bruno?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No!" I loudly snapped, "He played a character called Bruno." "Frank Bruno played a character called Bruno?" said Auntie Meryl, "I thought he was a boxer, not an actor." "Noooooo!!! I loudly said, "Frank Bruno is a boxer. Sacha Baron Cohen is an actor, and Sacha Baron Cohen played a character called Bruno." "Oh?" said Auntie Meryl, "So who played Frank Bruno?" "What the Hell are you talking about Frank f*cking Bruno!?" I loudly snapped. "Don't swear at me you cheeky little sod," snapped Auntie Meryl, "You're the one who started talking about Frank Bruno. I don't know who you think you're dressed up as, but that's not Frank Bruno. You look like a bl**dy rent boy. Didn't Frank Bruno have a fight with that bloke. What was his name? Something beginning with M." "Jesus," I said. "No, that doesn't begin with M," said Auntie Meryl. "Right," I snapped, giving Mum a firm stare, "I'm not going out dressed like this." "Why not?" asked Mum, "You look lovely." "Lovely?!" I exclaimed, "Are you mad? Half my arse is hanging out of this?" I turned round to reveal that the lower half of my bum cheeks were poking out of my shorts. "Well, that's the Bruno look," said Mum, "Stop being so moany. You look lovely. It's only a bit of fun. You need to stop being so serious and start enjoying yourself more." I was about to say something, but Mum interrupted me. "No, Sausage," she said, "Don't say anything. Just shut up, stop moaning and get ready to leave." "Oh yeah," complained Auntie Meryl, "That's right. Leave me here holding the baby whilst you two go out looking like a pair of Paddington prostitutes."

I reluctantly kept my Bruno costume on and with a feeling of frustration I left the house with Mum, and we made our way to The Anchor Pub in Cowes. On route to the pub several GRID soldiers who were scattered around the area patrolling the streets pointed and laughed and some even wolf whistled. "God, you've really stitched me up, haven't you?" I snapped at Mum. "Oh, stop your moaning," said Mum, "You should be grateful I made you a nice costume." "You could have made ANY costume," I snapped, "But you chose this." "Sausage, chill out," said Mum, "It's a fancy-dress party. Everyone will be dressed up. No one is going to have a problem with what you're wearing. Look around. People in the street think its eye catching." "Of course, they do," I snapped, "They're probably thinking, what's that Dutch rent boy doing here?" "Sausage, the soldiers have just whistled at you," said Mum. "Mum, that's not a good thing!" I exclaimed.