Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 1016: Tuesday 9th July 2019

Entry 1016
Tuesday 9th July 2019

Mum went to see Nikki today. It didn't go well.

I was at Trudy, Mike and TJ's looking after Primark whilst the three of them were out. Trudy said as I am "unemployed dole scum" (I think that's from The League of Gentlemen) I needed to earn my keep. I was looking after Primark when Mum turned up. She'd been to Sandown to see Nikki and Leo, and she did not look happy. From the look on her face, it looked like she'd had a stressful and frustrating exchange with Nikki. "How did it go?" I asked. "Not good," said Mum in a blunt tone, "I knew it was a mistake going around there." "What happened?" I asked. "Well, I knocked on the door and she did NOT look happy to see me," said Mum, "If looks could kill I'd be six feet under." "What happened?" I asked with emphasis in my voice. "She tried to slam the door in my face," snapped Mum, "The uppity little madam. I asked if I could come in and have a chat, and with a face like a slapped arse she said she had nothing to say to me and that I needed to leave. Cheeky cow. She tried to chuck me out. Well... I put my foot in the door and INSISTED that she hear me out." "What happened? What did she say?" I asked. "Well, I barged into the house and walked into the living room," said Mum, "I don't know what she was cooking but the whole house stank like a frigging abattoir." "Did you see Leo?" I asked. "Yes," said Mum, "He's fine. Nothing to worry about. Anyway, you'll never guess what the mouthy little madam said to me." "No," I snapped, "But I wish you'd bl**dy tell me." "She said I looked like a seventy-year-old slapper," snapped Mum, "Can you believe that!?" "Yes," I bluntly said, "Of course I can. Auntie Meryl used to call you a slapper about ten times a day." "I'm not bothered about the slapper bit," said an outraged Mum, "It's the seventy-year-old bit that I'm p*ssed off at. I'm not seventy! Cheeky cow! I don't even look fifty. Someone said I looked young enough to be your daughter not your mother!" "Yeah, that someone was YOU," I said to Mum," Will you just get to the point?"

As Mum continued talking, TJ and Trudy arrived back. "Alright Lynn," said TJ, "Been to Sandown to see Alex Forrest, have you?" "Sausage, I told her that you wanted to talk to her to sort things out," said Mum, "And I said that you were prepared to say sorry if she was. That's when she told me to f*ck off!" "What?" I exclaimed, "Why did you say that? I didn't tell you to say that!" "Well, you more or less did," said Mum. "No, I f*cking didn't!" I loudly snapped, "Jesus Christ! Thanks Mum, you've made things worse." "Well, it doesn't stop there," said Mum, "When she told me to f*ck off, I told her exactly what I thought of her." "What did you say?" I asked. "I said she was a bossy little cow, an entitled narcissist, and a violent bully," said Mum, "I told her that we were no longer friends and that if I ever hear of her beating up my beautiful little innocent boy again, I would kick her arse into the middle of next week." "Good for you Lynn," said Trudy. "Good for you!?" I exclaimed, "Mum, you've just made things ten times worse!" "I'm sorry sausage," said Mum, "I just couldn't keep my tongue still." "That came in handy during our last little session when I had my c*ck in your mouth," said TJ with a seedy smirk. "Look," said Trudy, "Do you want me to go around and see her? I mean I have to say Luke, I think you're mad if you want to get back together with that mad b*tch, but if that's what you want then I'll have a word." "No!" I loudly snapped, "I want you all to mind your own f*cking business and not get involved. God! Why did I think it was a good idea sending you around?" "It's not all bad," said Mum, "She knows you want to speak to her and sort things out." "And thanks to you and your big mouth she's probably even angrier with me than she was before," I said, "She knows I want to speak to her, but she's probably even more adamant that she doesn't want to speak to me. God! She'll think I've sent you round there to have a go at her." "Well, you did, didn't you?" said Mum. "No!!!" I loudly said, "My God, what on Earth was I thinking sending you around there? I must be brain damaged." "Being whacked with a plate will do that," said TJ. "And why the Hell did you tell her I was your beautiful, little innocent boy?" I exclaimed, "You've made me sound like a pathetic little child."

God knows what I'm going to do now. I think the only thing I can do is bite the bullet, go back to Sandown, see Nikki and have it out. The problem is that now, thanks to Mum, Nikki will be even angrier than she was when she chucked me out! F*cking wonderful. I need to give her a day or so to calm down now. What was I thinking of asking Mum to go round!? Space is what Nikki needs, not a load of angry people turning up to have a go at her. I'm going to give Nikki some space, then go round and talk to her and try to sort everything out. I'm wondering if I should take someone round with me... Just in case....

So, it looks like I'm going to be having another night or so away from my son and girlfriend, sleeping in a bed with Mike and his portable knob... Great!