Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 1110: Friday 11th October 2019

Entry 1110
Friday 11th October 2019

I'm a little bit drunk.

I still haven't spoken to Tinsley about getting a new job, and I still haven't had sex with Naomi. After what happened this evening and the awkward situation that I found myself in, I'm not sure if Naomi is actually going to ever want to have sex with me...

After Meeting with Sci-Fi Cyn and Mike in Sails Café and having a catch up over a cuppa, Naomi went home and I went to the Anchor Inn pub again and had a chat with Gary. I told Naomi I'd come round to see her later on and that I wouldn't be too long catching up with Gary.

In the pub Gary had his usual pint of beer whilst I had a single vodka and diet coke. "So..." I asked Gary, "Are your mates Steve and John coming?" "I don't know," he said, "They might be along later. If they do turn up don't mention Tinsley. They get on with him, and if you say anything bad about him it'll get back to him before you know it." "And I don't want that," I said, "I'm still building myself up to asking him if I can have a change of job. Anyway, I don't think Steve and John like me. They didn't seem very welcoming." "Ah, come on Chuckles," said Gary, "They don't mean any harm. They're men. They're soldiers. It's just banter." "You're a man and you're a soldier," I said, "But you aren't like that." "What can I say, Chuckles?" laughed Gary, "I'm one of kind. Look, if John and Steve get on your nerves, don't put up with their cr*p. Tell them to shut up. They'll appreciate it if you're straight with them."

Gary and I sat down in a booth and after talking for about an hour or so, Steve and John walked in. They'd just finished their shift and walked over to Gary and I making loud, loutish noises. "OI! OI!" John loudly said, "It's Gary and Elizabeth!" "It's Luke, actually," I bluntly said, rolling my eyes. "Not according your mate TJ," said Steve, "Or your Mum." "Yeah," giggled John, "Everyone knows your Mum." "We're going to get some shots," said Steve, "Do you two want some. Oh... Sorry Elizabeth... Are you on your period? Time of the month and all that?" Steve and John started laughing. "Actually," I angrily said, "I will have some shots. I'll have whatever you're having." "Ooooh, careful now, Elizabeth," giggled Steve, "You don't want to sh*t your knickers, do you?" "Are you going to get these shots or what?" I bluntly asked the two meat heads.

Less than an hour later I found myself sat in the booth with Gary, John and Steve downing in shots, telling jokes and engaging in lad-ish banter. I could feel myself getting rather merry. "Right then," said Gary, "I need to be getting off. Chuckles, I'll catch up with you again in a few days. John, Steve, I'll probably see you at The Hive tomorrow. Luke, are you coming?" "No," I said, as I slowly started to slur my words, "I'm going to stay and have more shots with Steve and Jonah." Steve and John both loudly cheered. Gary left and then John went to the bar and returned with more shots. I hate to admit it but John and Steve could clearly handle their booze a lot better than I could, but I didn't want them to know that I was struggling. I really wanted to think that I could keep up with them and match them shot for shot, but the sad truth is that I couldn't. "Right then, Lukey boy," said John as he downed another shot, "Tell us about this sexy little b*tch you've got on the go. Naomi isn't it?" "Yes, that's right," I said, as I downed another shot and swayed from side to side, "But she's not a b*tch, and I don't want you talking about her like that. I love her." John and Steve burst into laughter. "Ooooooh," giggled Steve, "You love her, do you? Do you kiss her? Do you cuddle her? Do you cry?" Steve and John once again burst into laughter. "I bet you haven't even shagged her yet," laughed John. "He probably doesn't know how," chuckled Steve. "Actually," I said, preparing to lie through my teeth, "I have shagged her. I've shagged her good and hard. Last night I f*cked her in the kitchen and made her moan like a b*tch, so there. Just goes to show how much you know." "Oh, yeah?" said Steve, "Give her a good seeing to, did you?" "Yeah," I said, downing another shot, "She couldn't get enough of me. She thought I was great!" "B*llocks," said John, "You're full of sh*t. I bet she hasn't even w*nked you off yet." At that cringe-worthy moment, Naomi walked into the pub. Talk about unfortunate timing. "Oh," she said walking over to me, "You're still here. I thought you were coming round to mine?" Naomi noticed the look of shock on my face at her arrival. "Well, there's no need to look like that," said Naomi, "I've not come to have a go at you. You look like you're enjoying yourself. Who are your friends?" "Ston and Jeeve," I incorrectly said, as I once again slurred my words, "No... Sorry... I mean Ston and Jeeve... Ston and Jeeve. F*ck why can't I speak?" "Are you p*ssed?" giggled Naomi, looking at the table and noticing the empty shot glasses, "Have you been having shots?" "This must be the delectable Naomi," said Steve. "Yeah, that's me," she said, shaking Steve's and John's hands. "I'm Steve, this is John," said Steve, "We're soldiers at GRID. Lukey boy here was just telling us what you two got up to in the kitchen last night." "Oh, yeah," said Naomi, taking a seat in the booth, "The kitchen's a right mess. I was exhausted after it was all over. Mind you, Luke's performance wasn't all that I'm afraid. He needs a bit more practice." John and Steve burst out into loud fits of laughter. "What's funny?" asked Naomi. "He was just telling us that you were really impressed with his performance," giggled Steve. "Well, he tried his best," said Naomi, "But you need to remember that he's not an expert. He's hardly ever done it compared to me." "Yeah, but you were happy enough what I did wasn't you?" I asked Naomi, hoping she would big up and give Steve and John the impression that I was some sort of sexual stud. "Yeah," said Naomi, rubbing my shoulder in a comforting way, "You did OK. I know you tried your best, but you just couldn't get it to rise could you." John and Steve once again burst into laughter and Naomi looked confused. Everything she was saying was making me look like some sort of inadequate man that couldn't perform sexually. "I mean when it went it, it didn't really look like it was ready," said Naomi. Again, John and Steve burst into laughter. "Sorry," said Naomi, "But why are you two finding this so funny?" "He said you thought he was great," giggled John. "Well, I wouldn't say great, exactly," said Naomi, "But he tried his best. I just think he struggled to get to grips with his equipment." John and Steve once again laughed. "Naomi, just tell them that you were happy with what I did," I said. "I've got a feeling that I'm missing something here," said Naomi, "Look, Luke did his best. He just struggled to follow the instructions." "INSTRUCTIONS!?" John loudly laughed, "You need instructions do you Luke?" "Some people do need instructions," said Naomi, "It doesn't come naturally to everyone you know? There were no pictures with the instructions so I think a lot pf people would struggle. Anyway, I could have done better too. I think I had a soggy bottom." Again, Steve and John burst into laughter. "Why is this SO funny to you?" asked Naomi sounding annoyed, "Luke doesn't need any more criticism you know? It's bad enough that my brother was there watching and criticising." "Oh God," I said, closing my eyes. "You what!?" Steve loudly exclaimed, "Your brother was there watching!?" "Yeah..." said Naomi, "What's wrong with that? He joined in every now and then. Tried to help Luke out." "That is F*cking weird!" John exclaimed. "How is it weird?" asked an annoyed Naomi, "My granddaughter was there too. She didn't join in because she's too young but she watched us and we explained to her what was going on. She'll be doing it herself in a few years' time. I suppose you think that's weird." "It's totally f*cking weird!" John loudly exclaimed. "Why is it weird?" asked Naomi, "Don't you have kids? Didn't you teach them how to bake when they were little?" "Baking?" said John, "What are you on about? We're not talking about baking." "Eh!?" said Naomi, "Well what are you talking about?" "We're talking about Lukey boy here giving you a good seeing to in the kitchen and you not being able to get enough of it," said Steve. Naomi turned and gave me firm and displeasing stare.

Cut to me and Naomi outside the pub, her storming off in a mood and me running after her in a drunk stupor. "Naomi, wait!" I loudly said, "It's an understanding missing... I mean, a misunderstanding. F*ck why can't I speak?" "You can't speak because you're p*ssed, and you can't think because you're thick!" Naomi snapped, "Why do you NEVER think before you open your mouth!" "Snog me," I said to Naomi as I lunged forward and tried to kiss her. "Oh, yes," Naomi sarcastically said, jumping back, "Because you're doing such a good job of turning me on and coming across as attractive right now aren't you? You stupid man. You told those two morons in there that you're some sort of stud and I'm just something to fit on the end of your d*ck." "Oh come on," I said, swaying from side to side, "Don't be like that!" "Don't be like that!?" Naomi loudly exclaimed, "Are you kidding!? I've just sat in there and made it sound like me and you were shagging in the kitchen in front of my granddaughter! I said we involved Ash – my brother! Christ! I said I had a soggy bottom!" "You said I needed to improve my performance too," I said. "Oh, that's right," said Naomi, "Poor old Luke. Make it all about you." "Can I have a hug?" I slurred. "No!" snaped Naomi, "You're lucky I haven't given you a slap. Just go home Luke, and I'll see you tomorrow when I expect to receive an apology for you behaving like a complete tw*t." Naomi then stormed off.

About half an hour later I arrived back home. Auntie Meryl was sat on the sofa completing a crossword puzzle book and Mum sat on the other sofa reading a book. "Oh, look!" I loudly said, as I fell into the living room in a drunken stupor, "It's the ugly f*cking sisters!" "You what!?" exclaimed Auntie Meryl. "Are you drunk?" gasped Mum. "No!" I sarcastically said, "I always fall into rooms like this. Silly cow! Course I'm drunk. Well... I'm a bit drunk!" "A bit drunk?" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "You're on the floor flat on your face. Saying you're a bit drunk is like saying The Titanic got a bit wet." "Come on," said Mum, picking me up off the floor, "Let's get you to bed." "Oh, here we go," I said, "The bike of Cowes is trying to get another bloke into bed, but I'm your son. So, bugger off." "You've got a son upstairs," said Auntie Meryl, "He's asleep, and if you keep making a noise, you'll wake him." "Do you know what I won't wake up?" I slurred, "Your f*cking senile old brain!" "I beg your pardon!?" exclaimed Auntie Meryl. "Ignore him, Meryl," said Mum, "He's p*ssed." "Oh, so you're both best friends, now are you?" I said, slurring my words, "You spend all your time calling her a wrinkly moaning old bat, and you spend all your time calling her cheap, dirty slag, well let me tell what I think... I think you should both just SHUT THE F*CK UP YOU PAIR OF WHINGING INSUFFERABLE BINTS!" Mum and Auntie Meryl both looked at me in outrage. "I ought to put you across my knee," said Auntie Meryl. "And I ought to put you in a home for the demented," I said. "Luke, go to bed," said Mum, "You'll regret this in the morning. You'll have a bad hang over and end up catching the flu." "And what was the last thing you caught Mother dear?" I slurred, "Chlamydia!?" I then waddled across the living room and in my drunken stupor slowly made my way upstairs.

Bed now. I'm going to feel rough in the morning.