Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 998: Friday 21st June 2019

Entry 998
Friday 21st June 2019

I hate this f*cking cat, and right now I hate Nikki!

I woke up this morning and the f*cking thing was sat on my bedside drawers just staring at me like it wanted to kill me. As soon as I opened my eyes and saw the tortoise coloured terror looking at me, I gasped, made a loud yell and jumped back, bumping into Nikki who was just waking up. "AAAGH!!" I shouted. "God, Luke, you've just jabbed into my ribs, what are you doing?" snapped Nikki. "Your bl**dy cat scared the sh*t out of me!" I exclaimed. Nikki looked over to my bedside drawers. "What are you talking about?" said Nikki, "She's just sitting there." "Yeah," I said, "Sitting there, looking at me, plotting my death." "Oh, Luke, don't be silly," said Nikki, "A cat can't think about plotting someone's death. Anyway, she's OUR cat, not my cat. Come on. Let's get Leo up and get breakfast on the go before you have to get to work."

Once I'd gotten up, had a shower and sorted Leo out, I walked into the kitchen and saw that three bowls were placed on the counter; one with my breakfast in, one with Nikki's breakfast in and one with Leo's breakfast in. The cat was sat in the counter right next to the three bowls. The vicious moggy and I exchanged evil looks. Nikki was at the sink, washing up. "Which bowl is mine?" I asked. "The third one on the end," said Nikki. "OK," I said. I turned round to get a spoon from the drawer and as I did, I heard a scrape and a smash. I quickly turned round and saw that the third bowl – my bowl, was smashed on the kitchen floor. I looked at the cat who was sat on the counter next to the two-remaining bowls. She was sat in the exact same position, not moving with what, to me, looked like a smug grin on her face. "Oh, Luke, for God's sake!" exclaimed Nikki, "Can't you be more careful!?" "Me!?" I exclaimed, "It was your f*cking cat! She heard you say that my bowl was at the end and then knocked it on the floor to p*ss me off." "Luke," said Nikki, as she started to clean up the mess, "She's a cat. Don't be silly. Just say sorry and help me clean up." "It wasn't me!" I loudly snapped, "It was your b*stard cat!" "Luke, she's our cat," Nikki said, "Stop making a fuss, she probably knocked it over by accident because she was closest to that one." "No," I said, "She heard you say that bowl was mine and decided to knock it over." I picked up a tea towel and quickly waved it towards the cat who gave a loud, nasty meow, jumped off the counter and ran into the living room. "F*cking cat," I snapped. "Luke, don't do that," snapped Nikki, "Don't hurt her." "Me hurt her!?" I exclaimed, "I'm the one that's lost blood because of the little f*cker. She shouldn't even be on the kitchen worktops. It's unhygienic." "That's ridiculous," said Nikki, "She's a very clean cat. You just need to give her time to settle in. You wafting tea towels at her won't help. It might help if we give her a name. "How about a name that rhymes with cat?" "Prat?" I said, "Tw*t?" "Don't be silly," said Nikki, "Cupid. That's a nice name." "Hmm," I bluntly said, "How about Cupid Stunt? That's a good name for it." "Luke, she's a girl cat, stop calling her an it. Mittens is a nice name. Or how about Cat McCatFace?" "That's a stupid name," I said. "Well, you come up with a name," said Nikki. "I don't want to give it a name," I said, "To be honest, I don't even want the cat." "Oh, don't be silly," said Nikki, "How about McWhiskers?" "Call the cat what you want," I said, "I'm not bothered." "Luke," snapped an angry Nikki, "Can you please show an interest and make some sort of an effort. Leo loves that cat you know, and she's our pet now. I'll be at home today looking after your son and getting ready for this housewarming tomorrow, so the least you can do is show some interest." "Yeah," I snapped, "And I'm going to work earing credits so you, me and Leo can live here and pay for things. It's not just you that's doing the work!" Nikki's eyes widened and that look of fury appeared on her face that suggested an argument was coming. "Look," I said, "I don't want to fight. I just..." "Get out," snapped Nikki. "Nikki," I said, "I..." "No!" she loudly snapped, "Go on. Get out. Gary will be waiting for you!" With a depressed sigh I left the house, walked down the road, and saw Gary waiting for me in his car. I got inside and we drove to The Hive.