Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 1081: Thursday 12th September 2019

Entry 1081
Thursday 12th September 2019

I am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with Nikki and her increasingly annoying behaviour.

I woke up this morning, walked into the bathroom and when I opened the bathroom cabinet, I discovered that all of the toiletries had been used. The toothpaste tube was empty, the deodorant had been used and the shower gel had been squeezed dry. Feeling angry I gave a tiresome sigh, grabbed hold of the empty tube of toothpaste and stormed downstairs and marched into the kitchen where Nikki was eating breakfast. "Morning," she said with an annoyingly smug smile on her face. "What the f*ck is this?" I snapped, waving the empty tube of toothpaste in front of her. "Well, it looks like a tube of toothpaste to me," said Nikki. "Correction," I snaped, "An empty tube of toothpaste. What are you playing at?" "Luke, I'm just sat here eating my breakfast," said Nikki, with a big smug grin on her face. "F*ck off," I snapped, "First you stop me from using all the stuff in the kitchen and now you've used up all the toiletries." "Luke," said Nikki, in a patronising tone, "Please don't swear at me. I'm not swearing at you, so I don't appreciate you swearing at me. You're starting to sound paranoid." "Paranoid!?" I exclaimed, "I can't have a shower or brush my teeth. I know what you're doing; you're just playing mind games to try and control me, but do you know what, you're being pretty thick, because whilst you're wasting all the toiletries, spraying out all of the deodorant and squeezing out all of the toothpaste, it means I have to use my credits to buy more which means I am not saving up any credits so we can look after our baby, so you're not hurting me, Nikki, you're hurting our baby... Or don't you care about that you stupid thick b*tch." Nikki frowned, picked up her bowl of cornflakes and aggressively hurled it at me. I ducked out of the way and the bowl went flying across my shoulder and smashing into the kitchen wall. I looked at the smashed crockery that was on the kitchen floor, and just as I was about to turn and have a go at Nikki, I stopped myself and adopted a different approach. "How predictable," I said, in a patronising tone, "What are you going to do now? Grab a knife and try stabbing me again? Nikki, you need to remember that you only get basic credits. I get more because I have a job, but if you carry on with this sh*t I'll just keep all my food and toiletries in my own room and you'll have to buy your own. I'll turn my room into a little bedsit and then I never have to see you. Now I'm going to Cowes to see something you haven't got, friends...Oh, and if you ever throw anything at me like that again, I'll tell that psycho ex of yours what a nutter you and I'll stand there with a big smile on my face as he locks you up, and then when you give birth in prison, I'll raise the baby and you'll be left doing porridge, so think on!" Feeling like I'd taken control of the situation I walked out of the house feeling confident and proud of myself. I would never say this to Nikki but I don't think I ever would say anything that would get her locked up. She's a total b*tch and it's probably what she deserves but I can't bear the thought of my child being born in prison.

I met up with Mike and Sci-Fi Cyn at Sails Café, and after we had a chat over a cuppa, which mainly included me moaning about Nikki, TJ appeared. "Alright Elizabeth!" he loudly said as he gave me a hard pat on the back, "How it's going over in looney land with the Mad Tw*tter?" "She nearly set fire to the house and she threw a bowl at him this morning," said Mike. "F*ck me," said TJ, "I bet you're regretting chucking your load up her, aren't you? If that kids anything like her, it's going to come out with three sixes on its head. Mind you pregnant women can get all funny. I used to shag Posh Spice when she was pregnant with her first kid, and she used to punch me in the face every time she was close to having an orgasm. She liked it rough. You know why she called her kid Brooklyn don't you?" "It's where he was conceived," I bluntly said. "No," said TJ, "Not exactly anyway. You see that kid could be mine, and old Golden Balls thought Posh Spice was playing away so I told HER to tell HIM that the baby was definitely his, and what better way was there for her to convince him that the bay WAS his and that she WASN'T playing away, than to tell him she wanted to name the sprog after the place where she last let Beckham shoot one up her. If that kid really was mine and she'd have named him after where he was conceived, he'd have probably been called 'Disabled Toilets at Wembley Arena'." "Oh, TJ, do shut up," said Sci-Fi Cyn. "She was filthy that Posh Spice, you know?" said TJ, "She used to give the best blowjobs. I used to call her Nosh Spice."  "God, you're so full of sh*t," I said. "Oh, am I?" exclaimed TJ, "I suppose you think I'm full of sh*t when I tell you I'm shagging a right horny b*tch at the minute." "Yes," I said, "That's exactly what I'd say, and to be honest your sex life is no concern to me." "At least I have a sex life," said TJ, "Your miniscule c*ck is probably going to pack up its b*llocks and leave through lack of use. I'm having some proper great sex at the minute." "TJ," I bluntly said, "If it's with my Mum, I do NOT want to know." "Well, you're not going to get to know anything, Elizabeth," said TJ, "A gentleman never tells." "You're not a gentleman," I said, "And you usually broadcast your sexual exploits to the world." "Well, I haven't got time to stand here chatting to you sexless saps. My c*ck is white hot and it's ready to go, so I'm off to see my little horn bucket right now."  TJ collected a hot cinnamon drink from the person behind the counter, flashed me a cheeky smile, winked and then left. "He's so full of sh*t," I said.

After catching up Mike and Cyn, and enduring some of TJ's usual b*llcoks, I went round to Mum's to see her, Leo, and Auntie Meryl who'd just gotten out of hospital. "Oh, here he is," said Auntie Meryl, as I collected Leo from her and gave him a cuddle, "And where the frigging Hell have you been? No time to come and see your poor old Auntie who's just got out of hospital... And what do I come home to? A house that stinks like a cat litter tray? Hasn't that mother of yours heard of Shake n Vac?" Mum walked into the living room with cups of tea for us all. "Meryl," Mum firmly said, "Don't start. You've got out of hospital but you can walk, so you can push the vac around." "Oh, that's right," complained Auntie Meryl, "I undergo brain surgery and then I end up being told by an ageing old trollop with the morals of an alley cat to do my own housework. I need to convolute." "Convalesce," I bluntly said. "You what?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Oh, it doesn't matter," I said, "It's just good to see you out of that hospital. Anyway, we said we'd sort you out a welcome home party." "Well get on with it then," said Auntie Meryl. "OK," I said, "How about Tuesday night? I'm not working on Wednesday so I can have a few drinks. We need to remember Tinsley's curfew." "Who's what?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Commander Tinsley," I said, "He took over from Blade." "Blade?" said Auntie Meryl, "That's a film isn't it?" "Oh, for God's sake," I said, rolling my eyes. "See!" said Mum, "This is what I've got to put up with. I'm a bl**dy home help you know." "Well, not with an attitude like that you're not," said Auntie Meryl. "Look," I said, "We can have a little party on Tuesday. Tell everyone to be here at 6pm, and I'll get here from about 5pm and put up some balloons and all that." "Balloons?" said Auntie Meryl, "Are you trying to put me back in hospital. Those thins go bang and my teeth will fall out and I'll wet my knickers." "You just tell Roz, Trudy and the others to get here for 6pm, and I'll tell Ash and Naomi. I'm off to go see them later on." "I don't want that nasty trollop at my party," said Auntie Meryl. "Naomi?" I said. "Yes," said Auntie Meryl, "No. Hang on. I'm on about that one who killed the cat. Was it Naomi? No. It was Natasha." "No," I said, "She runs The Hive." "The what?" asked Auntie Meryl. "The Hive," I said. "Is she a beekeeper?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No," I said, rolling my eyes, "It's not that sort of hive. "Well what other sort of hives are there?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Do wasps live in hives?" "Natasha runs The Hive where the infected are," I said. "Infected what?" asked Auntie Meryl. "People!" I loudly exclaimed. "Well, shouldn't they be in hospital rather than some sort of bee hive?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Look," I said, "You're thinking about Nikki," I said. "Does she work at this Hive?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No," I said, "She doesn't have a job. Natasha works at The Hive." "So, who killed the cat?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Nikki!" I loudly said, "Jesus Christ, woman!" "Oi, don't speak to me like that," snapped Auntie Meryl, "It's not my fault you know all these people whose names start with N. Anyway it' that cat killer. Her that you're shacked up with now. I don't want that slapper at my party." "She won't he coming," I said.  "Anyway," said Auntie Meryl, "When are you moving back in here?" "Auntie Meryl," I said, "I'm not moving back in here. You know this." "You're not leaving me here with that screaming child and Miss Mutton-Dressed-As-Lamb 1999." "It's 2019," I said. "What is?" asked Auntie Meryl. "The year!" I exclaimed. I do love Auntie Meryl, and I'm glad she's out of hospital but she does get on my nerves. Mind you, I'd rather her be in Cowes getting on my nerves than in hospital close to death.

I went round to Naomi and Ash's. Naomi wasn't there but Ash was in and he was looking after Sophie. I told him that he could come round to mine and that we could have a lad's night in, have a few drinks, and that he could stay over. He had reservations about being around Nikki, but I told him that I've laid down the law to her and made it clear that I will be inviting friends' round. Ash is going to come round on Saturday night. I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to spend time with another guy who doesn't annoy me.

Having a night in with Ash is going to give me some much-needed respite from Nikki's mental behaviour whilst giving the mad b*tch a loud and clear message that I'm not going to put up with her mad antics, or be bullied or intimidated in my home. I need to get some booze in.