Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 1084: Sunday 15th September 2019

Entry 1084
Sunday 15th September 2019

I am SOOOO hung over, and whilst I'm trying to deal with my AWFUL headache and aching body, I am in absolute shock about what Ash told me yesterday. Once my hangover has gone, I'm going to have to have a chat with him.

I might be suffering right now but Ash and I had a great night. We laughed, we joked, we had a good chat. It was great. We both got drunk very quickly. After taking the mick out of each other and talking about all the recent goings on I turned to Ash and gave him a soppy smile. "I'm glad we're friends again," I said, in my drunken stupor. "Me too, mate," said Ash, as he patted me on the back. "You wanna talk about what happened?" I asked. "Nah," said Ash, "Let's just forget about it. Bridge under the water... Eh? What... I mean water under the bridge. I just said bridge under the water." Ash I burst out into laughter. "I think I'm drunk," chuckled Ash. "I think you're drunk too," I giggled, "I think I'm drunk too!" "I think you're drunk too!" laughed Ash. "Why were you crying the other day when I saw you?" I asked Ash. "Now, let's not get all serious," said Ash, "This is mean to be a lads night in. No serious soppy stuff." "I just want you to be alright," I said. "Don't worry about me," said Ash, "I'll be alright." Ash then burst into song and started singing 'It's Alright' – 1992, East 17. I joined in with Ash and we both belted out the 90's tune.

A few seconds later Nikki came stomping downstairs in her dressing gown with a furious look on her face. She stormed into the living where Ash and I were sat in the floor, singing loudly and swigging back vodka. "Oh, look who it f*cking is," I slurred, "The monster from the black lagoon." "Do you know what time it is?" snapped Nikki. "Why?" asked Ash, "Have you lost your watch?" Ash I burst into laughter. "It's three in the morning!" snapped Nikki. "Why ask, if you know the answer?" slurred Ash. "It's time for you both to shut up and go to sleep," snapped Nikki. "Do you know what I think," I said, slurring my words, "I think it's time for you to f*ck off!" Ash giggled as I stuck two fingers up at Nikki. "Oh, you really are pathetic," said Nikki, "Look at you both. You're supposed to be men. You look like two teenage boys who have stolen some booze from the local off-license." "And you look like an uptight b*tch who's got a stick stuck up her arse," I snapped. "I feel sorry for the stick," giggled Ash. "You are making too much noise," snapped Nikki, "You're being really selfish." "Go and boil your head," I snapped. "I want you to be quiet," said a firm Nikki. "And I want a ten-inch c*ck and a ex-girlfriend who's not a f*cking bunny boiler, so I guess we're both sh*t out of luck," I said. "Luke, I need some sleep," said Nikki. "Why?" I said, slurring my words, "Got work in the morning, have you? Oh no. Sorry. I'm the one who goes to work and earns the credits for that sprog in your womb, and what do I get for it? A dead f*cking cat in my bed. God, you really are an awful person." "I'm not the one being selfish," snapped Nikki. "All you ever do is be selfish," said Ash. "Ash, this is between me and Luke," said Nikki, "Keep out of it." "Oi," I snapped, pointing my finger at Nikki and wobbling about, "Don't talk to my mate like that you bossy b*tch." Do you really both have to get THIS drunk?" snapped Nikki. "Yes!" I loudly said, "I need to get p*ssed to be able to look at you without having this overwhelming urge to boot you in the f*cking face." "Well, that's a lovely way to talk to the mother of your child isn't it?" said Nikki. I responded by taking he mick out of Nikki and being sarcastic. "Oh, I'm a victim, I'm a victim, I'm a victim," I sarcastically said, "The world is against me. Everyone hates me. Feel sorry for me. Blah. Blah. Blah. Just f*ck off." "Luke, you can only push me so far," said Nikki. "I'll push you off a cliff if you don't shut up," I said, "I'd kick you in the f*nny but I'm afraid I'd lose my shoe." Ash burst into laughter. "Luke, do you think this is the sort of behaviour an expectant father should be displaying?" "Well, I'll tell you the sort of behaviour an expectant mother shouldn't be displaying," I slurred, "And that's chucking plates and sh*t at the father of her child's head, and putting a dead cat in his bed, and that's before we get on to all the other lies you've told." Ash stood up and stumbled over to Nikki. "Nikki," he said, slurring his words and struggling to stand as he looked a frustrated Nikki in the eye, "This is the thing right... I mean... I know what the problem is... Yeah? The problem... Well.... You know... The problem is that... you're just a bad person." I burst into laughter. "That's it," said Ash, "You're a bad person, and no one likes you." Ash fell to the floor and joined me in fits of laughter. " Just keep the f*cking noise down," snapped an angry Nikki She then turned around and stormed back upstairs in huff.  "God, she's awful person," said Ash, "I don't know why you put up with her." "She's having my kid," I said. "God, you've had some sh*t to put up with, haven't you?" said Ash. "Suppose," I said, as I poured some vodka in a glass. "You know I'm really sorry, Luke," said Ash. "You what?" I asked. "I'm just really sorry for what I've done," said Ash. He looked like he was about to cry. "Hey, come on," I said, putting my hand reassuringly on Ash's shoulder, "I thought we weren't doing all that soppy stuff. Water under the bridge and all that." "I know," said Ash, "But I..." "But nothing," I said, interrupting Ash, "We're mates again and that's all that matters. Now, come on. Talk about something else. Something less serious. Tell me what a tw*t you think Nikki is." "Well, she is a tw*t," said Ash, as he staretd to pour more vodka into a glass, "I know she's having your kid, but that doesn't mean you have to live here with her. You've got other options. Our Naomi's in love with you, isn't she?" The look on Ash's face suddenly changed. He looked really serious – as if he's caught himself saying something he shouldn't. "What are you on about?" I asked. "Err... Nothing," said Ash, grabbing hold of the vodka, "Ignore me. I'm p*ssed. Come on. We were going to do shots." "No, hang on," I said to Ash, "What do you mean? Naomi's in love with me? Why would you say that?" "Luke," said Ash, "I'm drunk. I don't know what I'm on about. I mean she loves you. I love you. We all love you. Don't go getting all serious." "Has she said something to you?" I asked. "Noooo!" said Ash, "Come on. Forget it. Stop being all serious. Let's do shots. Let's talking, more drinking."

Ash and I didn't get to sleep until around 5am. We drank so much vodka! I woke up on the sofa just before 9am when I heard Nikki stomping around in the kitchen loudly slamming drawers and shutting cupboard doors. She was clearly in a mood with me. Ash rubbed his eyes, looked at his watch and said he wanted to go home and retreat to his bed with some headache pills. "Hang on," I said, "Don't we need to talk? You said something last night, and I can't stop thinking about it." "Luke," said Ash, "I probably said a lot of sh*t last night. Just ignore me." "Yeah, but Ash," I said, "I..." "Luke, I just want to go home and get into my bed and sleep this hangover off," said Ash, "If you want to talk, I'll see you tomorrow. Right now, I just need to deal with this God-awful hangover." "OK..." I said. "Thanks for a good night," said Ash, "The bits I can remember anyway." Ash then left and I was left thinking about what he said about Naomi. I definitely want to talk to him about this. Nikki then appeared in front of me with a face like a slapped arse. "And what have you got to say for yourself," she firmly asked with a stern facial expression and arms folded tightly. "Nothing," I said, feeling achy and suffering with a bad headache, as I turned and slowly started to walk up the stairs. "That's right!" Nikki loudly said, yelling after me as I made my way up the stairs, "Walk away! Don't apologise! Don't take any responsibility! Talk to the mother of your childlike sh*t and then just look the other way!" Nikki carried on shouting, but I ignored her. I went into my bedroom, locked the door and climbed into bed.

So, today I've just stayed in bed, not moving and drinking water. I feel so rough. Nikki has been hoovering outside my bedroom door and banging the vac loudly against my door. She's been playing music Loudly too. All of this is an obvious attempt at revenge after what I said to her last night. Maybe I should apologise? I don't know. Right now, I just need to rest. I've got work tomorrow. I hope my hangover has gone by then. I'm not as young as I used to be. I clearly can't handle my booze like I could in the olden days.

It's Auntie Meryl's welcome home party tomorrow. I need to get better for that. I need to speak to Ash as well. Why the Hell would he tell me that Naomi has feelings for me. She obviously doesn't! I need to get to the bottom of that...