Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 997: Thursday 20th June 2019

Entry 997
Thursday 20th June 2019

I met up with Mike and Sci-Fi Cyn at Sails Café in Cowes today. It was nice to catch up with them, but Trudy heard us talking about the housewarming party, and then when TJ appeared, he thought he could come, and the whole conversation got hard to manage. Then when I got home there was a little surprise waiting for me.

"So, how's the job going?" Sci-Fi Cyn asked. "Sh*t," I bluntly said, "All I do is clean the place and do all these cr*ppy jobs. The other day I moved some lockers from one side of this building to the other, just so Natasha could tell me to move them back, because she thought they looked better in their original position." "She's weird is that Natasha," said Mike, "It must be awful having her live next door to you." "It's not great," I said, "I just try and stay out of her way." "You should wait for her back to be turned and then kill all the infected that are there," said Mike, "That's what I'd do." "I'm tempted," I said, "But I think that might p*ss her off even more." "Dusting and cleaning all to make a place nice for the infected to stay in," said Mike, rolling his eyes, "It's mental. They shouldn't even be alive." "The proposals were voted in," said Sci-Fi Cyn. "The proposals, shouldn't have even been on the table in the first place," I snapped, "Blade should have told Natasha to p*ss off." "Blade is trying to make this island a democracy," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "Not a dictatorship. When civilisation is built back to what it was, do you want a ruler who tells you what to do, or a ruler who ask you what you want?" "There is SO much wrong with what you just said," I said, "Do you really think that we're going to get back to the world we once knew?" "Well, maybe not exactly," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "But I think we're making progress." "I don't think we are," I said, "We have farms that breed and slaughter cows and pigs for meat, and we have large vegetable gardens for food and all that, but that won't last." "It might," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "Luke, why do you have to be so negative." "It's a bit hard not to be when Blade's allowed Natasha to run a facility where the infected are looked after. Yeah, I'm all for a democracy, but having a decent democracy means having people who have got reasonable intelligence, and the people on this island are thick as sh*t. Most of them have never had to fight off an infected, so giving them the power to make a decision about whether we kill them or care for them is madness. You talk about progress and civilisation. Any progress towards a decent civilisation is threatened by The Hive." "There are security measures in place to ensure safety," said Sci-Fi Cyn. "The only measure that will ensure safety," I said, "Is killing the infected. Cyn, you talk as if Blade is perfect." "No, I don't," snapped Sci-Fi Cyn, "I just get fed up of you having a go at him when he has a hard job. He's trying to get the walls finished." "Come on guys, don't fall out," said Mike, "Babes, tell us more about your nice new house. Can I come round and see it?" "You can actually," I said, "Me and Nikki are having a housewarming this Saturday." "Oh, that sounds great," said Mike, getting excited and clapping his hands. "A housewarming?" said Trudy, as she approached the table next to us and picked up some empty mugs, "You having a housewarming. What time? I'll get Meryl to look after Primark? I suppose you're still not talking to her?" "Well... Sorry," I said, "But you're not invited." "You f*cking what?" snapped Trudy. "Trudy, come on," I said, "Let's be honest. After that dinner at Richard and Madeline's, you and Nikki don't get on." "So, don't invite her," snapped Trudy. "It's mine and her housewarming," I exclaimed. "Are you serious?" snapped Trudy, "Am I really not invited?" "Yeah... Sorry," I said. "You're not f*cking sorry," snapped Trudy, "God. After all that sh*t we went through in Egypt, and I don't get an invite to your housewarming. If it wasn't for my special superhuman power at making infected head's blow up, you and Richard would be dead. I suppose him and his yanky doodle dandy of a wife is invited?" "Yeah," I said. "Oh!!!" exclaimed Trudy, "Nice. So, you've invited Vicar Meldrew and Ruby Wax, but I can go and f*ck myself, is that it?" "I just think it's for the best," I said.

At that point TJ walked in. "Alright Elizabeth," he said with a big smug grin on his face, as he gave me a hard pat on the back, "How's it going living with Fatal Attraction? She boiled a bunny and cut up your clothes yet?" "F*ck off TJ," I bluntly said. "Smell that," said TJ, quickly shoving his index and middle finger of his right hand under my nose." "Ugh!" I loudly snapped, as I quickly moved my head, "What are you doing? What's that?" "Your Mum," giggled TJ, as he started laughing, "Stinks doesn't it? It's like I've dipped my fingers in a load of brine." "F*ck.... Off," I firmly said. "He's having a housewarming and I'm not invited," snapped Trudy. "And you're not invited either," I snapped at TJ. "F*ck off," said TJ, "You don't live in Fort Knox. If I want to come, then I'll come...All over your Mum's face." "You're not invited!" I loudly snapped. "To jizz on your Mum's face?" asked TJ, "Oh that's an open invite. Trust me." "I'm on about mine and Nikki's housewarming," I snapped, "You and Trudy aren't invited." "Don't be a nob, Elizabeth," said TJ, "A party sounds like a right laugh." "Yeah," I said, "And we'll have more of a laugh without you and Trudy there." "F*cking charming," said Trudy, "I can see why that d*ckhead isn't allowed, but what have I done? It was your girlfriend that called me a chav." "Be fair, Trudy," I said, "You said some stuff too. Look, it's nothing personal, but I just think it's best you don't come." "It is f*cking personal," said Trudy. "Yeah," said TJ, "And if I want to go then I'll just turn up." "If either of you turn up, you won't be allowed in," I said, "I mean it. I'm inviting a mate from work and he's bult like a brick sh*t house. He'll just chuck you out." "Ah, b*llocks to you," said TJ, "Who wants to come to some cr*ppy housewarming on the other side of the island, just to see you get p*ssy whipped by that mad b*tch." "Are you going to put food on?" asked Mike. "I suppose we will," I said. "Sainsbury's have started doing these little fish nibbles," said Mike, "I could get you some." "Nikki won't really eat fish," I said, "I mean she'll have it every now and then but she isn't a big fan. Can you think of a substitute?" "Yeah," said Trudy, "Get a f*cking cat. They love fish." "I mean a substitute for the fish not for Nikki," I bluntly said. Trudy wasn't happy that she wasn't invited, and even though TJ was acting like he wasn't bothered, he obviously was. Franky, it's tough. I've told them they're not coming and that's that.

When I got back home, I walked into the living room and was surprised what was waiting for me. A cat. A medium sized, tortoiseshell cat. It was just sat in the middle of the living room looking at me like I was public enemy number one. The cat and I just stared at each other for a while. I didn't know what to do or say. At first, I thought it might have wondered in from the street, but then Nikki came dashing into the living room from the kitchen with a big smile on her face. "Look!" she said excitedly with a smile on her face, "I've got us a cat. Isn't she gorgeous?" Nikki picked up the cat and gave it a big cuddle. "A cat?" I said, "What made you get a cat?" "Oh, come on Luke," said Nikki, "Every house has to have a cat. Especially one as gorgeous as this." "I'm not really a cat person," I said. "So?" said Nikki, "You will be." I noticed the cat purring and enjoying being petted and cuddled by Nikki. "Come on, Luke," said Nikki, "Give her a cuddle." I frowned with confusion and took a step closer to Nikki and the cat, and extended my arm to stroke the feline He gave a weird growl so I cautiously took a step back. "OK," I said, "That doesn't sound good." "Oh, don't be a wimp," said Nikki, "Come on. Give her a stroke." I tentatively took a step forward and slowly extended my hand to stroke the cat and she once again growled, but this time it was followed with a vicious hiss. "OK," I assertively said, quickly taking a step back, "This cat does not like me." "Oh, shut up," said Nikki, "She's playing with you. Come on. Jesus, just give her a stroke." Throwing caution to the wind, I took a deep breath, quickly extended my arm and went to stroke the top of the cat's head, it responded by making an angry growl and quickly swiping it's claw viciously against the top of my right hand. "Ouch!" I exclaimed, jumping back and looking at the top of my hand which was now bleeding, "Jesus! It's drawn blood." "Oh, stop exaggerating," said Nikki, "It was a little nip. What do you expect the poor thing to do when you throw yourself at it like that? You've got to be gentle." "Where did you get it from?" I asked. "SHE, not IT," said Nikki, "She just wandered in and hasn't left, so I've adopted her. She loves it here. Leo loves her. We need to think of a name for her." "How about Vicious McBitesAlot?" I bluntly said. "Oh, don't be silly," giggled Nikki, "We need to think of a cute name. She's a cute cat, so she needs a cute name." I took a step back and looked at the cat. It looked at me like it despised me and wanted me dead. "Nikki, that cat doesn't like me," I said. "Oh, you just need to get used to each other," said Nikki, "Cat's don't hate people." "It's so weird," I said, "Trudy said something about a cat earlier on today." "Trudy?" said Nikki, "She's not coming to the housewarming, is she?" "Well, she overheard me talking to Cyn and Mike," I said. "Oh, God, Luke," snapped Nikki, angrily throwing her hands in the air, "You and your big mouth. Can't you think before you f*ckng open it?" "Calm down," I said, "I told her AND TJ that they weren't invited." "TJ!?" Nikki loudly snapped, "You told him about the housewarming. I thought you went to Cowes to see Cyn and Mike, not to tell Trudy and TJ about our housewarming." "Trudy overheard me talking to Mike and Cyn, and then TJ appeared, and Trudy told him about the housewarming," I said. "You idiot," snapped Nikki, "Why didn't you go to a different café? One that Trudy doesn't work in... Or if you have to go where Trudy works you could a least keep your voice down." "It's fine," I said, "Neither of them is coming. I told them straight." "Good," said Nikki, "I won't be happy if they turn up."

Nikki left and went into Sandown to get some bits and bobs for the housewarming, leaving me with Leo and the cat. The evil looking feline just stayed at the opposite end of the living room to me and maintained a still position as it eyeballed, giving me a hateful look. I took another deep breath and approached the cat. "Come on cat," I said, "Let's get to know each other." The cat hissed at me as I approached it, arching it's back and showing me it's teeth. I backed off. I didn't want another nasty scratch. "Oh f*ck off then you nasty little b*stard," I snapped.

Me and this cat are not going to get on, but Nikki loves her. I need to see if I can get her to give her away, but for now I'm more bothered about sorting this housewarming out and making sure Trudy and TJ don't turn up.