Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 1117: Friday 18th October 2019

Entry 1117
Friday 18th October 2019

I love my Auntie Meryl, and I'm so glad she didn't die in hospital after her accident, but my God, she can irritate the Hell out of me.

I'd had a lovely morning, walking on the beach with Naomi and the kids, and picking up a few bits and bobs from Sainsbury's, and after that Naomi and I went round to mine and spent the afternoon with Auntie Meryl. Mum was out, so we gave the kids something to play with and had a chat with Auntie Meryl. She was sat on the sofa faffing about with her iPad. Remembering what happened last time she played around with an iPad, I couldn't help but feel a bit nervous. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Playing with my eye Patch," said Auntie Meryl. "Pad," I said. Auntie Meryl picked up a small note pad and passed it to me. "What's that?" I asked. "A pad," said Auntie Meryl. "I can see it's a pad," I said. "Well, what are you asking me for then?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Why are you giving it to me?" I asked. "You wanted a pad," said Auntie Meryl. "iPad," I said. "You pad what?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No," I said, "Not I pad... iPad." "I don't know what you're on about," said Auntie Meryl.  "It's an iPad, not an eye patch," I firmly said. "No, it's a pad," said Auntie Meryl, looking at the note pad she'd just handed me. "Not this!" I snapped, looking at the note pad and then pointing to the iPad, "That!" "This?" said Auntie Meryl, "What about it?" "It's an eye patch, not an iPad," I said. "That's what I said," said Auntie Meryl. "God, no!" I snapped, rolling my eyes, and realising I'd made a mistake, "I mean iPad, not eye patch. Jesus." "Is an iPhone like an eye patch?" asked Auntie Meryl. "PAD!" I loudly said. "You've got one there in your hands!" Auntie Meryl exclaimed. "No!" I loudly exclaimed, quickly losing the will to live, "That in your hands is an iPad. It's called an iPad. Thankfully it's not the same as the one you were using last time." "What do you mean?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Oh, it doesn't matter," I said. I thought it was best not to tell Auntie Meryl that due to her faffing about with her old iPad, the whole of Ryde blew up. "I just can't figure out how to get this thing to work," said Auntie Meryl. I looked at the screen on Auntie Meryl's iPad. She was on the home screen. "Right," I said, "That's your home screen." "A what?" asked Auntie Meryl. "It's like a desktop," I said. "Those things they have in offices?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Let's not complicate things," I said, "What are you trying to do?" "I'm trying to figure out how to type a letter," said Auntie Meryl, "But there's just all these little squares." "Apps," I said. "What?" asked Auntie Meryl. "They're called apps," I said, "Short for applications." "Oh, has someone put their job application forms on here?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No," I said, "Not those sorts of applications. Do you have windows?" "Yes," said Auntie Meryl. "Are you sure?" I asked. "Course I'm bl**dy sure," snapped Auntie Meryl, pointing at the ACTUAL windows in the living room, "How do you think I know what the weather's going to be like." "Not those windows," I exclaimed, "Microsoft windows!" "What's that?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Some sort of fancy double glazing?" "Jesus," I said. "What's the windows got to do with the eye patch?" asked Auntie Meryl. "PAD!" I angrily snapped. "OK, don't shout," said Auntie Meryl, "I don't know what you're bl**dy going on about. All I want to do is figure out how to type a letter." "Well, you need Office," I said. "Bl**dy Hell," said Auntie Meryl, "What do I need to rent an office for? Can't I just type a letter sitting here on the sofa." I could see Naomi laughing under her breath as I sat next to Auntie Meryl desperately biting my tongue and resisting the urge to shout out in despair. "No," I said, gritting my teeth, "Office is the name of the package." "What package?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Does the postman have to deliver something." "Oh, for crying out loud," I said, signing in anguish, "Auntie Meryl, to type a letter, you need Word." "I need more than one word," said Auntie Meryl, "I need wordS... WORDS... It's not going to be much of a letter with one word, is it?" "No," I said, "I mean...Oh God... Look... Who do you want to write a letter to anyway? More or less, everyone you know lives two streets away." "I want to write a letter," said Auntie Meryl. "Then use the pad to write a letter," I said. "That's what I'm trying to do," said Auntie Meryl, waving the iPad about. "No," I snapped, "Not that pad. THIS pad." I picked up the note pad and waved it around. "That's an iPad, this is a note pad," I snapped, "Just get a pen and write the old-fashioned way." "You know," said Auntie Meryl, "I used to have a boyfriend called Albert Pen, and I once asked him if he wanted me to buy him a posh fountain pen for his 21st birthday, and he said, 'nothing would please me more'. So, I got him what he wanted." "I bet he was really happy when he saw you'd bought him a fancy one," said Naomi. "No," said Auntie Meryl, "I didn't get him a pen. He said nothing would please him more, so I got him nothing. He wasn't very happy, but I don't know why because that's what he said he wanted."

I couldn't listen to any more of Auntie Meryl's drivel any longer. I made an excuse and me and Naomi took the kids to the park. I do love my Auntie Meryl, but the old bat just seems to have this knack of saying stupid things that irritates the sh*t out of me! Silly old bat. I wouldn't be without her though.