Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 957 - 1157

Entry 1017: Wednesday 10th July 2019

Entry 1017
Wednesday 10th July 2019

Bit of a quiet morning but there were two memorable events that occurred in the afternoon; one involving Blade and one involving Mike.

Me and Mike met Sci-Fi Cyn in Sails Café. We had a chat about my situation with Nikki, Mum making things worse, and me deciding to give Nikki some time to cool down. Once we'd had a chat and a cuppa, the three of us left Sails Café and bought a few bits and bobs from Sainsbury's round the corner.

Once we'd finished in Sainsbury's, we left the store and just as Mike and I were about to say our goodbyes to Cyn, I heard a bit of a commotion going on a few metres ahead. I looked up and saw Auntie Meryl. She was stood outside one of the boarded-up charity shops with her handbag over her shoulder and her shopping trolley in front of her. You know – the sort of shopping trolley old people wheel around with them like a suitcase. It was weird seeing Auntie Meryl after all this time. What was even more weird was seeing how Blade was stood in front of her, seemingly arguing with her and looking like he was trying to snatch her handbag off her. "What the Hell's going on over there?" I said. "It looks like Blade's trying to mug Meryl," gasped Mike, as he ran over to the scene. "Mike, calm down," said Sci-Fi Cyn as she called after him, "I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation."

Cyn and I quickly followed Mike, who heroically stepped in between Blade and Auntie Meryl and started acting like some sort of human shield. "What you playing at?" Mike snape at Blade, "You can't go around snatching bags off old ladies." "Oi, you lanky gobsh*te," Auntie Meryl snapped at Mike, "I'm not old. I'm in my prime. I'll put you across my knee and slap your arse til it's red raw if you call me old again." "Mike, get out of the way," Blade said, "This has nothing to do with you." "Well maybe it's got something to do with me," I firmly said, as I arrived on the scene with Sci-Fi Cyn, "She's my Auntie. What do you think you're doing?" "It's not what it looks like," said Blade. "Well, it looks like you're bullying an old... I mean, a vulnerable pensioner and trying to steal her bag," I said. "Let's just calm down," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "I'm sure Jon can explain what's going on." "I think you'll find that I don't have to explain myself to anyone – ANYONE! I'm head of safety and security. I'm in charge around here. I don't have to answer to you. I don't have to answer to any of you." "Just tell us what you're doing," I snapped. A stressed looking Blade looked at me, Mike and Sci-Fi Cyn as we stood there looking angry and confused. He then looked over our shoulders and noticed a small number of passers-by including a couple of GRID soldiers, all of whom had stopped to stare at the developing scene. "WHAT YOU ALL LOOKING AT!?" he angrily yelled. "Jon, just calm down," said Sci-Fi Cyn. "You sound like you've lost the plot," said Mike. "Just tell us what's going on here," I said. Blade again looked me, Mike, Cyn and the concerned looking on passers-by. "Forget it," he angrily snapped before storming off down the High Street. "What the Hell was that?" I said. "Well," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "He's..." "Cyn," I bluntly said, interrupting her, "I swear to God if you tell me he's got a lot on his plate I'm going to throw myself into the sea. Stop making excuses for him. He just tried to bully a pensioner and grab her bag, and instead of explaining himself he kicked off and had a go at everyone." "I'll have a chat with him," said Cyn. "Are you OK Meryl?" Mike asked my Auntie. "I'm fine," said Auntie Meryl. "It takes more than that big meat head to put the willies up me. I was just about to whack him over the head with my handbag and I'm telling you, one clean wallop and he'd have hit the floor like a sack of sh*t. Don't worry about me. It takes a lot more than someone like that big gorilla to see me off." Auntie Meryl and I exchanged awkward looks. It was like we wanted to speak to each other, but we were both still too angry and feeling too stubborn. "You OK?" I reluctantly asked. "Alright!?" Auntie Meryl exclaimed, "I'm walking down the street to buy some mince and onions, and to see what special offers they've got on, and I get grabbed by this big brute who's practically a wrestler, who more or less tries to rape me then murder me, and you ask me if I'm alright!?" "No one was trying to rape you," I bluntly said. "Oh!" exclaimed Auntie Meryl, "I'm too ugly to be raped. Is that what you're saying. I'll have you know my friend Betty Crack was raped by the man who used to stamp our ticket stubs when went to the Sunday matinee, and she had a face like a let down tyre. Honestly – I'm just walking down the street, minding my own business and before I've had a chance to pull up my pop socks, some unknown maniac tries to have his way with me and kill me before my own nephew tells me I'm too ugly to be raped." "That's not what happened," I bluntly said. "I mean who was that man?" said Auntie Meryl, "You don't expect to get molested and attacked by a total stranger." "Blade," I said. "Yes, he probably did have a blade on him," said Auntie Meryl, "I'm surprised he didn't cut me open and harvest my organs or sell them on the interweb." "Internet," I said. "That too," said Auntie Meryl, "It's a good job you came along Mike. If you hadn't been here, he'd have cut me open and my liver would have been on The EBay, and my kidneys would have been on The Amazon before anyone would have a chance to stitch me back up. Not that I expect much help from my nephew these days. He's too busy shacked up with some trollop near the seaside." "I'm not arguing with you Auntie Meryl," I firmly said, "Nikki is my girlfriend whether you like it or not." "I thought her name was Barry," said Auntie Meryl. "Her name's Nikki," I snapped. "I don't give a frig what she's called," said a firm Auntie Meryl, "And you're a mug for putting up with her; specially after what I've heard." "It's none of your business," I angrily snapped, "Just keep your nose out and mind your own business!" I stormed off, leaving Mike and Cyn with Auntie Meryl. I felt so angry. There was a moment where I questioned if I actually was a mug, but I managed to snap myself out of that way of thinking. Being a mug has nothing to do with it. It's just the ups and downs of being in a relationship. I shouldn't let stupid Auntie Meryl get to me!

Later on, I was sat at Mike, Trudy and TJ's when the four of us were playing snakes and ladders to pass the time. Mike said we were running out of milk and that he was going to go to Sainsbury's to get some. "Does anyone want anything from Sainsbury's?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know," I said, sounding depressed and still feeling fed up from my confrontation with Auntie Meryl, "Surprise me." "OK," said Mike. He then left and TJ, Trudy and I continued playing snakes and ladders. "This game's sh*t," said Trudy, "Haven't we got anything else?" "We could play strip poker," said an excited TJ. "Oh, f*ck off TJ, no one wants to see you naked," I said. "Yeah whatever gay-boy," said TJ, "We all know you've been secretly nursing a semi at the thought of me flopping my meat out on the table." "We are NOT playing anything that involves taking clothes off," said Trudy. As we continued talking about what game we could play next, I went into the kitchen to fix myself a snack. Trudy went upstairs to the loo, and just as I was finishing preparing my bread, I heard Mike's voice calling me from the living room. "Babes!" he called, "I'm back, and I've got the surprise you asked for." "OK," I called back. With my sandwich in my hand, I exited the kitchen and walked into the living room, thinking that Mike had brought me back a chocolate bar or something, but I took a step back and froze to the spot as I gasped in shock at what I saw before me. Mike was stood in front of me with a cow. An actual massive black and white cow. It was just stood there in the living room with a rope around its neck that Mike (with a big happy smile on his face) was holding. TJ was sat on the sofa and looked confused. "Surprise!" said Mike with a big cheesy smile on his face. My eyes widened as an awkward silence followed. "What the Hell's this?" I bluntly asked. "Well, it's not a guinea pig is it?" said TJ. "It's a cow," said a cheery Mike. "Yeah, I can see it's a cow," I bluntly said, "What's it doing in here?" "Well, it looks like it's going to rain outside soon," said Mike. "No, I don't mean why is it inside and not outside," I snapped, "I mean why is it here? Why have you brought it here?" "You said, get me a surprise." "I meant a bit of chocolate or a slice of cake," I exclaimed, "Not a massive f*ck off farmyard cow." At that point Trudy entered the living room. "AAAAGH!" she yelled, "What the f*ck is that!?" "It's a cow," said Mike. "I can see it's a cow, d*ckhead," she snapped, "What's it doing in my living room?" "Luke said he wanted a surprise," said Mike. "I didn't say I wanted massive cow!" I exclaimed. "Ha," giggled TJ, pointing at Trudy, "Two massive cows with saggy udders in the same room." "F*ck off," Trudy snapped, "Mike, you can't keep that cow here. It needs to be on grass or something, not a carpeted living room." "We can keep her in the back yard," said Mike. "Mike, there's a child in this house," said Trudy, "YOUR nephew." "Who goes to the shop for milk and comes back with a cow!?" I exclaimed. "Well, why get milk when you can go straight to the source?" sad TJ. "How did this all come about?" I asked. "Well, there was this bloke outside the shop," said Mike, "He asked me if I wanted to buy a cow, and I remembered you wanted a surprise, so I said OK." "So, you said OK!?" I exclaimed. "You said you wanted a surprise," said Mike, looking at me like he couldn't understand what I thought the problem was." "Not this!" I exclaimed. "I've called her Maureen," said Mike, "I think it suits her." "Mike, we can't have a cow in the house," I said, "God, I had all this when I lived with Richard. He started bringing random farmyard animals home, I don't need it from you." "Just get that bl**dy cow out of this house," snapped Trudy, "I don't expect to come downstairs from wiping my arse to have to put up with the smell coming from that cow's arse. Get it outside, Mike." Maureen the cow is now stood in the back yard. God knows what Mike was thinking bringing a cow back here. Mind you, I stopped trying to figure out what Mike's thought process is a long time ago.

I never did get to the bottom of why Blade was bothering Auntie Meryl. Maybe Sci-Fi Cyn will find out. One thing is for sure; Blade is seriously losing the plot and his behaviour is starting to get really tense. I would say that I think he's struggling to cope, but I think that's an understatement. Whilst I'm curious to know why he was bothering Auntie Meryl, I also need to a) think about going to Sandown to sort things out with Nikki, and b) try and get a good night's sleep in the hope that Mike's knob doesn't poke me in the back and that Maureen the cow doesn't keep me awake with her mooing from the back yard!